Totally Pumped About My Back Fat!!!

Remember the other day when I was on my soap box about how I have to do things my way and that I am most successful when I’m listening to my own gut instead of what someone else expects of me? Listening to my gut and really getting in touch with what motivates me and keeps me going is teaching me so much during this process. In fact, I’ve recently noticed so many more motivators (and de-motivators) that I just have to talk about it.

It wasn’t until last year that I realized that I hate gyms. The gym is a major de-motivator for me. There’s probably no better way to guarantee my own failure than if I were to join a gym. I hate having to drive somewhere in order to work out. Let’s face it: with over 200 pounds to lose, I think it’s obvious that I haven’t been very enthusiastic when it comes to getting off the couch. Now you want me to get off the couch, drive somewhere, and suffer in public? No, thank you. I hate every aspect of the gym from the waiting line at the elliptical at 6 pm to the “super slick protein max deluxe supreme fantastic” drink mixes & energy bars on display to the perky bitch behind the counter that I just want to slap the crap out of. I hate the entire experience.

I thought it ended there, though. I didn’t realize that my wrath for all things gym-like didn’t end at the gym. Until recently. Now I have realized that my wrath actually encompasses much, much more in the fitness world – and it all stems from something I call “Fit Speak”.

When a person is so absorbed in the fitness lifestyle that they start using words like “insanity” and “ripped” in order to describe their workout, I am overcome with the urge to slap them. I completely support a person’s right to live the lifestyle they want to live, don’t get me wrong, but I am not personally motivated by them in any way. I find attempts to motivate me with words like “shred” and “hard core” to be ridiculous.

I’m motivated by things that are important to me and by people I can relate to – and I can’t relate to someone who says “Dude, I totally shredded my core today doing Ab Ripper 2000XLT and followed it up with 190 minutes of Insanity Cardio. Tomorrow I’m doing Butt Cruncher before running 200 miles. I am so pumped for my new beach bod!”

What the hell? Who the (bleep) talks like that?

It’s worse on social media sites like Facebook where exclamation points are in ridiculous abundance. Okay, I may be the pot calling the kettle black in this case, but it still drives me nuts. NUTS, I tell you!!!!!!

I acknowledge that I have to move more if I want to lose weight, but these people suck my motivation dry faster than the calories from a brownie land on my ass. I can’t relate to them and they don’t inspire me to do anything except to not be like them. Ever. I’ve tried two personal trainers in my life and, while they were both very nice people, I hated their enthusiasm at making me suffer. I hired them because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I wanted to enjoy the experience, but I didn’t enjoy it at all because that’s just not how I’m wired. There’s nothing wrong with fitness junkies…more power to ‘em if that’s what makes them happy and keeps them motivated. But there’s nothing wrong with me either just because I don’t get “totally pumped” like they do. “Fit Speak” makes me cringe – and I’m often left wondering what it would have been like if I’d spoken this way before I started living healthy.

“Got up this morning and totally ripped through a box of Pop Tarts!”

No, that’s not right…

“Went to lunch today and shredded a bucket of chicken wings, HOLLA!!!”

Nope…that doesn’t work.

“Spent the day gett’in totally tanked in front of the Playstation, my thumbs are screaming! Extreme insanity – fell on the couch & cracked the frame!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oh dear. Let’s try one more…

“Went & got fitted for my bridesmaids dress today. I am so pumped about how my back fat looks in this pink chiffon halter dress. WIN!!!!!!!!”

I guess the super fit peeps are the only ones who can even attempt to pull this off. By the way, just to set the record straight, I have never eaten an entire bucket of wings – nor have I ever cracked the frame of a couch. I promise. I did almost have to wear a pink chiffon bridesmaids dress, but I had surgery the week all the girls went to pick out dresses…and everyone forgot I have 4 asses, so I couldn’t be a bridesmaid. They didn’t make the dress big enough for me.  Awkward!

There is one group of super fit peeps I can get behind, though. They get all my attention no matter where I see them: US Marines. Actually, any soldier in any branch gets my attention, God bless ‘em. But when it comes to boot camp and seriously working out, the Marines are what I think about. Maybe it’s because I married one, I don’t know. They are intense in their boot camp conditioning.

The Marines don’t use Fit Speak. Have you ever seen “Full Metal Jacket”? Do you remember the chant they had to yell during boot camp?

Here it is:

This is my rifle.
There are many like it, but this one is MINE.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My rifle without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless.
I must fire my rifle true.
I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me.
I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will…

Before God I swear this creed.
My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country.
We are the masters of our enemy.
We are the saviors of my life.
So be it, until there is no enemy, but PEACE

 

Well, I got to thinking…what if I changed that around a bit to fit my new fit lifestyle. Then I could sound all tough and pumped up, but REALLY tough like the Marines. Last year, I went out and got myself a special water bottle with the Marine Corp motto emblazoned across it: Pain is just weakness leaving the body. I love that water bottle. So if I just chanted….

 

This is my water bottle.
There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My water bottle is my best friend. It gives me life.
I must drink it as I must hydrate myself.
My water bottle without me is useless. Without my water bottle, I am SCREWED!
I must drink my water till I’m through.
I must drink my water & pee my brains out to avoid dehydration which is trying to kill me.
I must drink my water before each meal. I will.

With all my heart, I swear this creed.
My water bottle and myself are the defenders of my waistline.
We are the masters of the scale.
We are the saviors of bad skin.
So be it, until there are no extra asses, but goal weight!

 

Now that’s some shit I can get behind, yo.  No fake drama, no false excitement.  Just a good ol’ chant.

I will be removing some of the fit fanatics from my online life very soon.  They just suck the fun out of it for me.  I don’t enjoy being around people like that.  I need to be free to do my own thing, follow my own path, and listen to my own gut.

I want to move the way I want to move.  You should do the same for yourself.  I don’t need Jillian Michaels telling me that for $89.99 I can get her “one on one” attention by way of a set of DVD’s and super ripped cardio training.  I used to respect her way back in the beginning when she was yelling at everyone to “stop buying all that crap…you don’t need it….MOVE!!!”   Now she’s just telling us to buy HER crap.  No thanks!

Give me my treadmill and my hand weights and I’m just fine.  I don’t need to be ripped and I don’t need any part of my body to be screaming.  I don’t need to workout in a group, I want solitude.  I want the peace in walking or running on my own without anyone to look after or talk to.  My workouts are time for inner reflection…and I don’t want to hear some muscle head tell me he is “primed for XXX cardio war camp and hamstring pandemonium”.

That’s what works for me.  What works for you?  Tell me…

19 thoughts on “Totally Pumped About My Back Fat!!!

    1. Dorit, wouldn’t it be great if we could get all our money back that we’ve spent on this crap over the years?  It would probably be highly motivating just to have that money for a new wardrobe when we hit our goal weight without any turbo max insanity!  🙂

  1. You are definitely a writer! That was great reading! I feel the same way about the crazy fitness terms, about the only thing they do for me is bring on a panic attack. What works for me happens to be something a lot of people don’t like though. I’ve been lucky enough to find a gym close to me that I feel comfortable, relaxed and motivated in. It’s our local YMCA. I can walk into that place, scan my card, hop on a treadmill or elliptical if I really want to sweat, plug in the iPod and zone out for 30-45 mins. No judgement, no stares and especially no one screaming at me! Everyone is normal looking (shocking) theres no crazy meathead pumping 4000lbs of iron in the corner and grunting like a gorilla in heat, no perky counter broad trying to sell me the new MEGA!ULTRA!SUPERDUPER SLIM DOWN SHAKE for $99.99!!!!!, and no trainers trying to force me into a pretzel shape while I “feel the burn”.
    Nope, just regular old people trying to get and stay healthy. For this I feel grateful. Besides, we live in an upstairs apartment…can you imagine what my poor neighbors would have to go through if I decided to exercise?! Haha!

    1. Allison, that’s the key though isn’t it?  What works for YOU…and comfortable, relaxed, and motivated.  

      It’s the best feeling when you find what works for you and everything just clicks.  🙂  Good for you!

  2. You are definitely a writer! That was great reading! I feel the same way about the crazy fitness terms, about the only thing they do for me is bring on a panic attack. What works for me happens to be something a lot of people don’t like though. I’ve been lucky enough to find a gym close to me that I feel comfortable, relaxed and motivated in. It’s our local YMCA. I can walk into that place, scan my card, hop on a treadmill or elliptical if I really want to sweat, plug in the iPod and zone out for 30-45 mins. No judgement, no stares and especially no one screaming at me! Everyone is normal looking (shocking) theres no crazy meathead pumping 4000lbs of iron in the corner and grunting like a gorilla in heat, no perky counter broad trying to sell me the new MEGA!ULTRA!SUPERDUPER SLIM DOWN SHAKE for $99.99!!!!!, and no trainers trying to force me into a pretzel shape while I “feel the burn”.
    Nope, just regular old people trying to get and stay healthy. For this I feel grateful. Besides, we live in an upstairs apartment…can you imagine what my poor neighbors would have to go through if I decided to exercise?! Haha!

  3. You are definitely a writer! That was great reading! I feel the same way about the crazy fitness terms, about the only thing they do for me is bring on a panic attack. What works for me happens to be something a lot of people don’t like though. I’ve been lucky enough to find a gym close to me that I feel comfortable, relaxed and motivated in. It’s our local YMCA. I can walk into that place, scan my card, hop on a treadmill or elliptical if I really want to sweat, plug in the iPod and zone out for 30-45 mins. No judgement, no stares and especially no one screaming at me! Everyone is normal looking (shocking) theres no crazy meathead pumping 4000lbs of iron in the corner and grunting like a gorilla in heat, no perky counter broad trying to sell me the new MEGA!ULTRA!SUPERDUPER SLIM DOWN SHAKE for $99.99!!!!!, and no trainers trying to force me into a pretzel shape while I “feel the burn”.
    Nope, just regular old people trying to get and stay healthy. For this I feel grateful. Besides, we live in an upstairs apartment…can you imagine what my poor neighbors would have to go through if I decided to exercise?! Haha!

    1. When I hear that workout I can’t get by the P90 part… Yay for workouts named partially after a sub-machine gun. Maybe that’s it… my abs are so shredded it’s like i got shot with a P90!!! Oh well…either that or I’m playing too much Battlefield 3 lately lol.

    2. Karina, I haven’t seen those…but I’ve heard of P90X and I’m glad I’ve not been tortured by the commercials!  Sounds like super turbo insanity!!  🙂

  4. Oh my god that was the best diatribe I have ever read about “fit speak”. You nailed it, really.
     What works for me? I walk 5 miles a day, every day. Outdoors, in a large circle around the city park. I’m lucky that I live where this is possible most of the time. It’s important to do it outside because then you only have to be disciplined for the first 2.5 miles. Once you get that far you don’t have much choice than to finish, unless you want to sit down on the sidewalk, and that’s more spectacle than I personally would want to endure.I appreciated your post especially because I have been wanting to start running my 5 miles, and I really think I could do that, but am finding most information on the subject to be a total turnoff. WAY too much… attitude. Thanks for a refreshing perspective, I needed that today.

    1. Laurie!  You make me miss my time in the park.  🙂  I was unemployed and determined not to get sucked in by daytime tv while I looked for a job, so I got my 4 butts out of the house every morning and went to my local park.  Three times around was a 5K.  I was walking a 5K a day when I got the genius idea to “take a break”.  Not since Ross & Rachel took a break on Friends has there been such a horrible idea.  I lost my momentum.  DOOF ALERT!!

      You are doing an amazing job!  And you’re inspiring me…because I want so badly to be able to RUN and I’m not going to be able to do that for a while.  You’re showing me and everyone else here that it’s possible as long as you stick with it.  Go, girl!

  5. I am done laughing and now I can comment!!
    I joined so many gyms through out all these fat years that I decided 2 years ago to join the one for $10 a month. Why? Because it isn’t worth canceling that bill so I remain a member.
    I have been there 4 times.
    Less than a year ago, I could barely walk.
    Part of my exercise plan was to drink so much tea that I had to go pee every 20 minutes. It worked. Funny how so little exercise makes such a difference when you were really down to NONE! Imagine trying to walk into the gym in my 5x sweats and wheeze next to a size 3?!!
    I am down to size 20 jeggings now and I am enjoying reading your struggles to catch up! Go Girl!!
    Can I add my health blog to your readings? http://sugarcoatedlemons.blogspot.com/

    1. Debbie, thank you so much for your comments.  🙂  Isn’t it funny how a little exercise goes a long way towards a big change in our lives?

      I can relate to the wheezing next to the size 3, believe me.  In fact, you inspired me to resurrect an old, classic post I wrote about my experience next to a “fitness Barbie”…waaay back before I realized I hate the gym.  🙂

      Congratulations on your success – I’m so happy for you!  (and nice job on the blog!)

  6. My best friend wants me to start going to the gym with her, but I am not a gym person. It would in no way motivate me, so I politely said “Hell NO” LOL
    I do need to move more but I will find something I can do in the privacy of my own home.
    I drink 1 pop a day instead of all day every day, and it has started me losing weight, but I know I will have to add other things to my plan to lose more. But it’s a good start. Talk about empty calories!
    I am so glad I saw your motivation marbles on Pinterest, and it brought me to your blog!

  7. You are so right!! I am a personal trainer and I hate the gym atmosphere too.  That is why I went to privately training people on their own turf and when it works for them.  I go to them – wherever and whenever they want.  We do a lot of IM and email discussions about life, food, and fun. Life is about being happy – having to motivate yourself to drive someplace to sweat and get yelled at – does not work for most people.
    Personally I have to work out totally on my own – it is my time for reflection, too.

  8. I also have come to hate Jillian Michaels.  All the products she has on the shelf are crazy.  Clean eating is the best cleanse for your system.  I really worry about people who think they will get healthy with weight loss pills.  And don’t even get me started on the “exercise video” hype.  My daughter has lots of weight to lose and the dance games with Wii and Xbox have been the best thing for her.  My den is full of kids dancing sometimes for 4 or 5 hours.  They are working, sweating, and feeling good about themselves.

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