If you follow my Facebook Fan Page, you know I had a big Pampered Chef party at my house on Saturday night. Traditionally, a selection of yummy, creative food is prepared and served at these parties and I had decided to serve a new Pampered Chef recipe: Chicago-Style Hot Dog Bites. This solved the nibble problem for me, since the recipe contains pickles. Nothing tickles my gag reflex faster than pickles (except maybe a Kardashian). The Chicago Style Hot Dog bites looked very pretty – thanks to pals Brenda & Lauren, who did the bulk of the work – but there was no way I was going to eat one! Pickles are the devil!!
To get ready for the big shindig, I schlepped my four butts to the grocery store Saturday morning for recipe supplies and general party hoo-hah. My plan was to get in and out as quickly as possible, so that I could get home and focus on the party prep stuff. In the produce section, there was a woman blocking the aisle with her cart. Do we all hate it when someone does this or is it just me? It always amazes me when someone is so unaware of themselves that they just stop their shit in the middle of an aisle, blocking anyone from passing in either direction. Highway rules should always apply when it comes to aisles, hallways, sidewalks, or escalators: pass on the left, slower traffic keep right, and pull over to the damn side if you’re going to stop…moron!
This particular idjit with bad shopping cart etiquette was wearing yoga pants, which she definitely had the body for, but I always think of that internet meme “My yoga pants have never been to yoga.”
Whether this is true for her or not, I’ll never know and I certainly wasn’t going to judge – however, she was perfectly coiffed and her make-up was spotless – so I doubt she was just stopping at the store after 30 minutes of “northbound facing rainbow stance”. (Sorry, I don’t know yoga-speak!) I didn’t really care what her deal was, I just needed her to move her yoga pants out of my way. She was so engrossed in her search for the perfect bulb of garlic that she was oblivious to the fact that anyone was close by, so I followed my own standard procedure that I use whenever I meet up with an aisle hog.
“Excuse me,” I said very sweetly, making sure I was smiling at the poor oblivious creature. “Can I just squeeze by you real quick?”
Most of the time the offending aisle hog moves over and mutters an apology of some sort, to which I reply “Oh, it’s no problem – have a great day!” (And no, I don’t really mean it’s no problem, but I can’t bring myself to say “Nice aisle manners! Do you stop your Escalade in the middle of the road to answer your cell phone, butt munch???”)
They probably do. Don’t get me started.
But Yoga Pants was different. Yoga Pants did not respond by moving over and muttering an apology. Noooo. Yoga Pants looked up and made no secret that she was 100% disgusted at the fat person who was…alarmingly close. She looked like she was afraid she would get the fat cooties if I came any closer. She was appalled. Silly me, here I was miffed that she was hogging up the aisle and apparently she was the one who should be pissed at the fatty trying to shop in her produce section. Or perhaps my obese-ness was so alarming that she thought I was there to eat her. She looked afraid. Perhaps I should have assured her that she looked far too crunchy for my taste. Her collar bone was way pointy.
As if the awkward, horrified reaction wasn’t enough, she did something I really hate: she looked me up and down as she moved her cart over. I hate the up and down look. It’s just effing rude. I could feel her watching me as I moved past her and grabbed some green onions, then moved on to the herbs. I could see her out of the corner of my eye – still watching me as I moved around the produce section. Was it that shocking to see a fat person shopping for produce? I probably really freaked her out. Perhaps she thought I was lost and needed directions to the snack cakes…and here I blew her mind by going right for the green veggies. Poor thing!
The problem with idjits in the grocery store, however, is that once you find them you have 15 more aisles in which to encounter them…because every time you turn the corner, there they are again. Yoga Pants was slinking up the chips aisle when I saw her next. I tossed two bags of tortilla chips in my cart and she looked almost relieved, as if she was thinking “Everything makes sense in the world again, the fatty went for the chips!”
We met up again on the coffee/breakfast aisle. As she passed, she looked into my cart to see what I had. As if in slow motion, I watched her eyes dart over the veggies, the non-fat milk, the tortilla chips, and the box of Special K Vanilla Almond cereal in my cart. Seriously, I was liking her less and less with every aisle that came along. Keep your eyeballs out of my cart, bitch.
I’ve lost count of the number of times some nosy-ass has sneaked a peek into my cart – or stolen a glance at my plate in a restaurant. It always infuriates me. If you think I’m kidding, then I encourage you to don a fat suit that packs an extra 200 pounds on your body and try to go about your normal day. You’d be surprised as hell at the gumption some people have just because you’re a fatty for a day. Something snapped…and as she rounded the corner and came up the canned goods aisle, I decided to stoop to her level.
She approached me and I peeked when she peeked – and I’ll tell you what: it was an eye opener. The first thing I saw: Pop Tarts. Not just one little box…two huge value packs of Pop Tarts. And then there were the cheese poofies that she obviously picked up on the chips aisle while she was glaring at my tortilla chips.
I had to make a detour to the dairy case, lest my Chicago Style Hot Dog bites not be cheesy. Yoga Pants and I met up again as I started down the pasta aisle. She peeked at my sharp cheddar, so I peeked and discovered at least 15 boxes of crap-in-a-box (aka Hamburger Helper). Whaaaat?
Hey, Yoga Pants! You’re going to partially hydrogenate yourself to an early grave. But, by all means, please keep giving us fatties the stink eye when we invade the produce section. Kiss my rapidly reducing ass. 🙂
I have a real beef with folks who judge a book by its cover – and some of you may think I’m doing the same with Yoga Pants here, but I assure you…when you’ve spent 20+ years on the fat end of the scale you understand how the world works when it comes to pecking order. Many of you have encouraged me to write a book (which I’m doing) and perhaps the chapter on fatties versus fitties will convince you. Till then, you’ll just have to trust me – unless you live the same experience I do, and I know some of you do! I can tell the different between a fleeting glance and the nosy stare of some ass-hat who’s got nothing better to do than judge a hottie-in-training like me.
By the time we were steering towards the check-out lanes, I was as equally disgusted with her as she was with me & my four asses. Every kind of pre-packaged, processed food was in her cart – not to mention those heavenly Circus Animal cookies. Jesus, that was a bit hard to take. One look at that pink & purple packaging and I could feel the sugar rushing to my ovaries just like the good old days! Someone give me a turkey burger…STAT!
I shook off the experience and went on with the rest of my day, but I knew that when the Pampered Chef fun was over I was going to come back around and have to write about this. I actually intended to post this yesterday, but Hemi the cat needed something warm for her belly and decided that my laptop was the perfect resting place. In about 5 seconds, her belly deleted a day’s worth of work (sometimes my auto-save is a lying bitch). So here I am today… a little late, but still full of piss & vinegar when it comes to Yoga Pants and her Pop Tart guzzling brood. To make matters worse, I intended to post this hours ago…but I sliced through the tip of my thumb while making dinner (pics of the big bandage are on my Facebook Fan Page. LOL). Thank God for that tetanus shot I had in 2010 when I sliced another fingertip off while making chips in the microwave. Damn carbs!
In other news, Mr. Scale has not yet budged. I’m hoping to get him to move a little more before my uterus starts setting up for the 7 Dwarfs of the Apocalypse. Perhaps he needs another visit to the table saw. 🙂
The party is over, my mother-in-law has just gone home…and my newly bandaged thumb is throbbing less, so I’m on my way to bed. I am loving the comments, the Facebook messages, and the emails y’all are sending…you have no idea how much you keep me going. 🙂
23 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Grocery Carts”
This is my favorite post so far. I know how you feel and you are so much calmer than I ever EVER would have been! Yoga pants would’ve left the store in yoga shorts.
OMG, Allison, when I read your comment I actually laughed so hard I snorted. LOL Yoga shorts! Thanks for the giggle!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have had the same situation (over and over and over again!) – I get so tired of people judging me just because of the way I look! I love your blog!!!
Thanks, Denise!!! 🙂
Mu Mu girl here…uhm…Hubby and I love Hamburger Helper!….lol…I’m seeing a pattern!
loving the blog sister, laughed out load on several occasions with this one. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. I can soooo relate!
Hey, MuMu girl! 🙂 Lots of people love it – I just thought it was funny that someone so judgmentally appalled at a fat person was loading up on so much of the stuff…and the cheese poofs, etc. If you’re going to be THAT snooty about fat people, you should probably have some organic tofu and bean sprouts in your cart, no? LOL
Laughing out loud as I read this. You are gifted.
Oh wow. It isn’t just me! I hate the peekers, starers, and judgers. It is good to know I am not just being paranoid.
Give Yoga Pants a little credit, she did buy some garlic! I have a yoga pants, online friend that does exactly what this one did to you. She’s told me about looking at other peoples grocery cart and it really pisses me off that she’s so judgmental. Just ignore people like her because all they do is mess with our heads and we do enough of that ourselfs.
Another great blog. You really are a gifted writer.
Moments like that make me wish I could channel Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) and give give them such a righteous tongue lashing as grocery cart peekers have never seen! UGH! The world can be so harsh towards people who are metabolically challenged. Doesn’t matter how nice you might be, or how talented; if you’re overweight you have leprosy. But if you’re beautiful and shapely (by Hollywood’s broomstick standards) it doesn’t matter how vapid or how big of a be-otch you are. Double UGH!
You keep me going, girl; just wanted you to know that. Some days it’s difficult to walk around the halls of the high school in my (shrinking) fat suit, but knowing that there are others with like-minded Bad-A** thoughts helps. Also – that pound in the wrong direction that I had to mentally move? It’s gone. Along with another! So I got to move a marble Sunday! 🙂
And on the book writing note: I can’t wait until you’re published and you start your book tour. Make sure Atlanta is one of your stops!!
Have a wonderful day!
Christy, you’re right: no one could kick verbal ass quite like Julia Sugarbaker! LOL Congratulations on the pounds! See? Just have faith…a little faith…and Mr Scale will budge and those marbles will MOVE!
Love the post!!! I’ve been in that situation more than once…..unfortunately if my husband is with me I usually make an extra loud comment to him about it as I pass the person.
Love your blogs, you always make me laugh!! Thank you!
Sorry to head about your thumb, hope it is feeling better!!
Thanks Susan! 🙂
Oh my goodness, thank you SO much for this post! I’m literally mopping the laugh-tears up as I type.
Being a vegetarian with lactose & gluten sensitivities and allergies to most things with artificial colors/preservatives, my shopping cart tends to look rather… organic. Not that I wouldn’t LOVE to indulge in the occasional brightly-colored pre-prepared munchie, but they never agree with my tummy.
I too see this ALL the time. Seriously, what is it with grocery carts being pushed by overweight people that just screams”COME, PEEK… JUDGE ME PLEASE!!!”
While I must admit to the tiniest bit of smug satisfaction from the sheer shock on peoples’ faces when they see the contents of my cart… it irks me no end that people seem to feel it’s their God-given right to peek-and-judge.
I’m so glad so many can relate to how I feel about this…we need to start up a Peeker Stalker Task Force or something! LOL
Thank you so much for this post. I know that feeling of judgment so very well from strangers whether at the grocery store or in a restaurant.
And don’t think it’s just restricted to the store! I’m a teenager and I like to think that what people think of me doesn’t matter, but when I eat my pretzels next to Miss I Only Eat Perfect-Organic-Nutritious-Whatever, I always feel so judged. It’s gotten so bad that I eat my lunch behind a giant sign in the hallway so I don’t feel so guilty for eating what I do (which is actually mostly healthy food, but of course it can’t compare with Miss Perfect’s lettuce and tomato on seven grain bread sandwich!)
Yes, Catalina, and it’s always right when you’re finally indulging in a RARE treat when someone sees you and gives you the stink eye – having no idea you’ve been killing yourself for weeks and are celebrating dropping a whole size by eating your first ice cream cone in a year. Ugh! We will prevail, girlie…oh yes we will!
It’s either yoga pants – or the ones with “Juicy” written across the ass. Having lived in So Cal right in the the neighborhood of the “Real Housewives of Orange County” (they shopped at my local grocery store) You can imagine the kind of judgmental bitches that wandered the aisles. Talk about guilt by association. The spice section is right there, next to the cake mixes…and just being in the area would get “the scan look” and peek in my cart. I always wanted to inform the bitch in the pink velor lounge pants that in order to be considered “Juicy” her ass needed a little more fat added.
I wish I could be considered innocent though…I have, myself, checked out what other people put on the conveyor belt at checkout and muttered to myself “no wonder…” in both positive and negative tones. I think it is human nature to be curious, but I think the difference is how we react to what we surmise. It drives me crazy when I am eating healthy and receive a shopping list from husband that reads “2 Cokes, Fresca, Marshmallows, Doritos and a chocolate bar”. I am the one who has to put it on the conveyor belt, and receive the judgement for the crappy food – and he gets the enjoyment of consuming it.
Jackie, I didn’t realize it was you at first and I thought OMG someone else from my hometown can feel my pain! LOL. This is one of the reasons I was so happy to leave California. Not my cup of tea!!!
Thanks you for making us all feel a little more human!
I hate Yoga Pants.
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