Hello again, peeps!
Yesterday, I posted some excerpts from an old 2005 food journal of mine. Reading back over the choices that Dianne of 2005 made has given me renewed appreciation for Dianne of 2012. :-) I promised to continue sharing today, so here we go:
May 6, 2005
Did well today. Lost 1.5 pounds. I feel good. Tomorrow, dinner is at Wings ‘n Things so I’m nervous about that. I plan to not get the fries I usually get. I also plan to get a little exercise in before dinner.
Lost 1.5 pounds, so I felt good. Sounds like I finally pooped out all that taco grease, eh?
Five days into my “healthy eating taco worshipping diet” and I’m ready to waltz into a buffalo wing joint. Wow.
Let me just put my Queen of Sarcasm crown on for this next part. If you have major food issues and you’re trying to make a major life change, this is exactly what you want to do: go to your favorite buffalo wings restaurant during week #1. Don’t you think that’s a GREAT idea? And I was a little nervous about it? Ya think?? I wish I’d had a fat fighting fairy godmother to hover over my shoulder and say “Giiiirrrrrl! You’re sett’in yourself up to fail. Walk away from those wings, you ain’t ready!”
Dianne from 2012 would never think about going out for buffalo wings during week 1 of a major life change. In fact, I was so protective of my new lifestyle that I committed not to go to any restaurants for the first month. I knew that I would cave as soon as I had the menu in my hands, so I took steps to ensure that I would not be tempted while starting my new habit.
I find it both tragic and humorous that I thought I was making the healthiest decision by giving up the french fries. Deep fried buffalo wings are okay…but ditch those fries, honey…that shit’ll kill ya!!! I still want to give Dianne from 2005 a big ol’ hug.
And, wouldn’t you know it, the journal skips ahead 5 days. What happened? Have I lost my focus? How can that be when I’m doing so well? In the first week of my new healthy eating lifestyle, I’ve eaten greasy tacos, I’ve run to the vending machine, and I’ve had buffalo wings…what could possibly have gone wrong?
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!!! We’re going down!!!!
May 11, 2005
Dinner at Wings ‘n Things last week. I gained another 1.5 pounds the next day. Had a weak moment on the 8th when I found some chips and ate them. Bought a package of Skinny Cows and ate those too. Gained another 2 pounds. I give myself an F for the week.
Uh oh. I gained 1.5 pounds because I ate buffalo wings? Sounds like I had fries after all. I’ll tell you what: the Hot Mess Hubby and I have gone out for buffalo wings a couple of times since I’ve been eating healthy…and I’ve never gained 1.5 pounds from doing it. I plan it, I compensate with a smaller breakfast, and I’m usually not hungry for the rest of the day. If I am, I have something light…and the scale doesn’t flinch a damn bit.
Chips. Again, not in touch with my real needs and definitely not in control. I found some chips?? Where? Were they walking along the sidewalk outside my house, lost and alone until I found them? This is complete bullshit. There are only two things in this world that are certain: if a politician’s mouth is moving, he’s lying…and potato chips will last less than 8 hours in my house. I found them? NOT! If I brought them in the house, they were gone the same day. The only place I “found” chips was in the partially hydrogenated section at my local grocery store. ”Found” my ass!
Skinny Cows. Delicious low cal ice cream sandwiches. They’re really a Godsend for many people who are watching their weight but want a little treat. For me, they’re instant defeat cleverly disguised in a yummy ice cream sammie. I eat one, then go on about my day. Five minutes later…I hear them.
“Dianne!!! Come back!!! We’re still here…and we’re delicious!!!!”
Yeah, can’t have ‘em in the house. They come six in a package. And I’ll eat them all, one after the other. In fact, when I was on Weight Watchers I actually spent my points on a whole package of Skinny Cows and tried to act like it was okay. Insta-failure! I’m pretty sure that’s not how Weight Watchers intends their members to eat…but I sure tried to make it legit.
No journal entries for over a month this time. At this point, impact is imminent. I should pull my head out of the potato chip bag and assume the crash position.
June 14, 2005
I have really dropped the ball. I got so sick (viral flu) that I completely lost track of myself. I’m sure I’ve gained back all the weight I lost, but I have to get right back on the horse. I’ve been forgetting to bring my lunch to work, too. I’ve blown it.
Work is horrible right now. My boss is a condescending jerk who picks on my employees if I’m not right there. I hate him. I’m trying to stay positive. Thinking of going back to therapy for a while. I can’t seem to get my head on straight.
I remember this time in my life. It was pretty stressful. Not the best time to attempt a major change, but since I was approaching the task with both eyes closed and trapped in my own web of bullshit…I was doomed.
Next journal entry is 5 weeks later…not even trying anymore.
July 20, 2005
Wow. Sidetracked again. After another fall off the wagon, I’m back for another try.
Kevin and I are on Atkins together. We started the 18th. This is my 3rd day of basically eating meat & cheese. Blech!
I weighed in at 351 pounds on the scale this morning. I’m not proud of that. I’m coming down off a couple weeks of ice cream and potato chip binges. Not pretty. So far I’m doing well, but I don’t like the lead ball I feel in my stomach most of the time. Meat and cheese and carb free peanut butter. I’ve had four migraines in two days, but this seems to be working. Glad I have therapy today, though.
This just made me sad for Dianne of 2005. My last healthy eating attempt, which had me eating greasy tacos, buffalo wings, and vending machine fare, has taken me to a new top weight: 351. I gained 4 pounds. This is how you go from 125 pounds to 381 pounds, folks. Set yourself up to fail, go on a diet, fail, give up, hate yourself for it, binge eat, gain a few pounds more than when you started. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Atkins. Four migraines in two days. I remember this week well. The very next day, I woke up with a migraine that was so bad my normal medication wouldn’t work. Hot Mess Hubby had to take me to the doctor’s office for a shot to knock me out. So much for Atkins.
That’s the last entry there was. Fizzled out in the first week, then struggled for a while to get back on track…finally giving up on myself yet again, then came back and tried to jump back on the wagon, only to land in a face plant on the side of the road. And this time, apparently, I landed back in therapy as well.
I remember that therapist, too. He wore very strange shoes and tried to sell me on getting a hair analysis done to determine why I was so addicted to food. Here’s the kicker: since I dyed my hair, he wanted me to give him a pubic hair. Yep.
“Just bring it to your next appointment in a sandwich bag,” he said very non-chalantly.
No, I’m not joking. And NO, I most certainly did not do it!
I can see it now: I’m at lunch with my friends and the waiter brings my check. I pull my wallet out of my purse and the pubic hair in the sandwich bag goes flying out and lands in the middle of the table. Classy.
How do you recover from something like that? Pretend like someone threw it just as I pulled my wallet out? Look at one of my friends with disgust and yell “Eeeew! Where did you get THAT?”
I would probably go for the more obvious exclamation of “Oh…yeah…like YOU’VE never carried a pubic hair in your purse before? Bitch, please!”
Actually no…I would just not entertain such a freaky deaky idea in the first place!! Which is what I did. I told my therapist thanks, but no thanks…I’ll keep my short & curlies to myself.
I will never see the 380′s, the 370′s, the 360′s, or the 350′s again. Soon I will say goodbye to the 340′s (at least once the water weight from the 7 Dwarfs last visit finally goes away…they’re such jerks). No more drama up and down the scale for me. This elevator goes one direction: back down to ground level…to the drama free land of sanity and cute pants…and handbags that match. :-)
Can’t wait to get there, but I’m grateful to be enjoying the journey.