I’ve been quiet for a while, haven’t I? Did y’all think I turned back to dark side? :-) Were you picturing me huddled in a dark corner of my closet with a box of Little Debbies and a bottle of milk? :-) Well, you can relax…I’m still standing! (And no, I didn’t eat any Little Debbies!)
The last two months have been rough. The plateau. Lots of stress at work with a bankruptcy and reorganization. I didn’t realize how much the latter was affecting me until recently when I began pulling clumps of hair out in the shower and getting random eye twitch attacks. I was more worried about someone thinking I was gett’in sassy with the winking when I should have been at least a little concerned about where all this was coming from. I usually only get a migraine a month (centered around the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse), but I had 4 in June…and I’ve had 4 already this month. Sometimes I can be thick headed when it comes to my own well being.
I thought the work stress would be alleviated when I recently learned that I was not going to be laid off, however there’s another detail that is threatening to suck my will to live while I’m at work. I’m trying to focus on being grateful. :-)
The problem is that I’m too awesome for my own good. LOL. Okay, actually, it’s just that I’m not eating my way through this stressful time. In fact, I never thought to come up with an alternative for stress eating…so my body decided to have more migraines, lose some hair, and not sleep even when drugged up with Ambien. Great!
I ended up going to the doctor on Friday. After he stopped doing the happy dance over the fact that I’ve lost 45 pounds in 6 months, he gave me a complete physical…and all is well. He confirmed that this is, in fact, just stress…and suggested…wait for it….wait for it….that I exercise in order to help alleviate it.
Yeah, well, I’m not exactly motivated to do that right now…but I’m going to give it another try. 90% because I need to…and 10% because I want to. That’s not a good combination, but it’s what’s in my heart…and I’ve lost my way a million times before because I’ve failed to be honest. So that’s me being honest.
I’ve asked my new boss if I can change to later work hours and she’s agreed (she’s a sweetie, from what I can tell…I like her a lot). I’ll start that in a week, though, because the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse are rolling into town around Wednesday and I’m not going to feel like doing much of anything. I plan to use these next 7 days to mentally pump myself up about the benefits of exercise. In fact, I might try to make it a little interesting…more on that later.
The fact is, I know exercise is good for me. I know it’s what I should be doing. At 336 pounds, though, it’s not fun and it doesn’t make me feel good. In fact, it usually ends up making me feel worse about myself than I already do. I’ve done some soul searching about this over the past few months and I believe these are the core issues.
I didn’t have to make myself give up sugar last December…it’s what I wanted to do. That last butter toffee binge really threw me over the edge and I was ready to give it all up and eat grilled chicken for a while. I believe, no…I know this is why I’ve been successful. I didn’t force myself to do anything I wasn’t ready to do. I was ready for change and I changed. The only thing that’s different now is that when the going gets tough, I remember that giving up leads to failure…and I refuse to give up. That’s the only thing that’s different from all my other attempts to eat healthy.
I don’t feel ready to exercise. I’ve tried to get on the bandwagon before and I have not been able to stick with it, so I’ve backtracked…because I’m afraid of forcing myself to do too much too soon and then falling flat on my ass and failing at everything. I’m extremely protective of the success I’ve had thus far…and I don’t want to do anything to screw that up.
So I’ll start my new work hours, which will allow me to get up, have breakfast, and workout before work. Instead of stomping on the treadmill half asleep and hating myself, I’ll have time to really enjoy it. I do enjoy walking on the treadmill when I choose to get on it and don’t force myself to.
Is anyone rolling their eyes and screaming “Stop whining!” yet? :-) Sorry…this is my process and this is who I am. I’m on a mission to make sure I am finally successful at losing a shit ton of weight…and living a healthy life. I have to be honest about how I feel at every turn in the road or I’ll just repeat the same damn mistakes over and over and over again.
Those of you who were reading my blog back when I started may remember that I baby-stepped my way through some significant changes: first I gave up sugar, next I gave up diet soda. I created a daily menu for myself and ate only that menu every single day, not wanting to screw myself up with too many choices. It worked.
I have to do that with exercise as well or I will bargain my way out of it every single time. I have to dumb it down so that I don’t have to think about it. So my goal is to start with 15 minutes a day, Monday – Friday. I’ll take Saturday and Sunday off. Then I’ll move up to 20 minutes…then 30…then I’ll see how I feel. This feels like the best way to make it a habit, as it’ll be routine for me to get up for work…have breakfast…workout…and go to work. If I take a break in the middle of the week for a rest day, it screws up the rhythm that I need in a situation like this. Rhythm is good. Momentum is good.
So that’s my plan. I’ve been through lots of change lately…I’m ready for some of it to be good! I’m going to have to remind myself of my promise to never quit…a lot. Let’s see if I can make this change stick.