I’ve been quiet for a while, haven’t I? Did y’all think I turned back to dark side? 🙂 Were you picturing me huddled in a dark corner of my closet with a box of Little Debbies and a bottle of milk? 🙂 Well, you can relax…I’m still standing! (And no, I didn’t eat any Little Debbies!)
The last two months have been rough. The plateau. Lots of stress at work with a bankruptcy and reorganization. I didn’t realize how much the latter was affecting me until recently when I began pulling clumps of hair out in the shower and getting random eye twitch attacks. I was more worried about someone thinking I was gett’in sassy with the winking when I should have been at least a little concerned about where all this was coming from. I usually only get a migraine a month (centered around the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse), but I had 4 in June…and I’ve had 4 already this month. Sometimes I can be thick headed when it comes to my own well being.
I thought the work stress would be alleviated when I recently learned that I was not going to be laid off, however there’s another detail that is threatening to suck my will to live while I’m at work. I’m trying to focus on being grateful. 🙂
The problem is that I’m too awesome for my own good. LOL. Okay, actually, it’s just that I’m not eating my way through this stressful time. In fact, I never thought to come up with an alternative for stress eating…so my body decided to have more migraines, lose some hair, and not sleep even when drugged up with Ambien. Great!
I ended up going to the doctor on Friday. After he stopped doing the happy dance over the fact that I’ve lost 45 pounds in 6 months, he gave me a complete physical…and all is well. He confirmed that this is, in fact, just stress…and suggested…wait for it….wait for it….that I exercise in order to help alleviate it.
Yeah, well, I’m not exactly motivated to do that right now…but I’m going to give it another try. 90% because I need to…and 10% because I want to. That’s not a good combination, but it’s what’s in my heart…and I’ve lost my way a million times before because I’ve failed to be honest. So that’s me being honest.
I’ve asked my new boss if I can change to later work hours and she’s agreed (she’s a sweetie, from what I can tell…I like her a lot). I’ll start that in a week, though, because the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse are rolling into town around Wednesday and I’m not going to feel like doing much of anything. I plan to use these next 7 days to mentally pump myself up about the benefits of exercise. In fact, I might try to make it a little interesting…more on that later.
The fact is, I know exercise is good for me. I know it’s what I should be doing. At 336 pounds, though, it’s not fun and it doesn’t make me feel good. In fact, it usually ends up making me feel worse about myself than I already do. I’ve done some soul searching about this over the past few months and I believe these are the core issues.
I didn’t have to make myself give up sugar last December…it’s what I wanted to do. That last butter toffee binge really threw me over the edge and I was ready to give it all up and eat grilled chicken for a while. I believe, no…I know this is why I’ve been successful. I didn’t force myself to do anything I wasn’t ready to do. I was ready for change and I changed. The only thing that’s different now is that when the going gets tough, I remember that giving up leads to failure…and I refuse to give up. That’s the only thing that’s different from all my other attempts to eat healthy.
I don’t feel ready to exercise. I’ve tried to get on the bandwagon before and I have not been able to stick with it, so I’ve backtracked…because I’m afraid of forcing myself to do too much too soon and then falling flat on my ass and failing at everything. I’m extremely protective of the success I’ve had thus far…and I don’t want to do anything to screw that up.
So I’ll start my new work hours, which will allow me to get up, have breakfast, and workout before work. Instead of stomping on the treadmill half asleep and hating myself, I’ll have time to really enjoy it. I do enjoy walking on the treadmill when I choose to get on it and don’t force myself to.
Is anyone rolling their eyes and screaming “Stop whining!” yet? 🙂 Sorry…this is my process and this is who I am. I’m on a mission to make sure I am finally successful at losing a shit ton of weight…and living a healthy life. I have to be honest about how I feel at every turn in the road or I’ll just repeat the same damn mistakes over and over and over again.
Those of you who were reading my blog back when I started may remember that I baby-stepped my way through some significant changes: first I gave up sugar, next I gave up diet soda. I created a daily menu for myself and ate only that menu every single day, not wanting to screw myself up with too many choices. It worked.
I have to do that with exercise as well or I will bargain my way out of it every single time. I have to dumb it down so that I don’t have to think about it. So my goal is to start with 15 minutes a day, Monday – Friday. I’ll take Saturday and Sunday off. Then I’ll move up to 20 minutes…then 30…then I’ll see how I feel. This feels like the best way to make it a habit, as it’ll be routine for me to get up for work…have breakfast…workout…and go to work. If I take a break in the middle of the week for a rest day, it screws up the rhythm that I need in a situation like this. Rhythm is good. Momentum is good.
So that’s my plan. I’ve been through lots of change lately…I’m ready for some of it to be good! I’m going to have to remind myself of my promise to never quit…a lot. Let’s see if I can make this change stick.
Gosh, you are such an inspiration! I,too, am afraid to start an exercise plan and have been trying to work up to it. So, I figure I’ll start when you do. We can be two big girls walking the treadmill road to nowhere together and when we get where we’re going we’ll be a few pounds lighter.
Thanks so much Violet!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts – ALL of them that you’ve shared. Big thought or after thought, profound or a side note, it’s SO inspirational. Sorry to use a word that everyone uses (inspirational), but it’s true! And not just in the diet/exercise/lifestyle changes area of our lives, but in all areas. I am getting used to being single after 26 years, and your “baby steps” idea struck a note with me in that area of my life. Thank you. You are a very special person. Now get on that treadmill and kick some butt! ((hugs))
Thanks very much!
I just recently found your website & blog, so don’t know
your whole story. I spend way too much time reading things on the
computer when I should be moving around doing something…anything else.
But I just had to comment tonight after reading your latest post. When I
got to the line “Is anyone rolling their eyes and screaming “Stop
whining!” yet? 🙂 Sorry…this is my process and this is who I
am”, I was yelling back, “No, I’m not screaming…that’s exactly who
I am, too!” In fact, I just emailed similar sentiments to my sisters
a few days ago, after realizing that I had been doing a lot of complaining
about my new “diet”. I told them that they shouldn’t feel like
they need to do something when I’m complaining…just let me complain.
Told them it makes me feel better and that I feel stifled if I can’t
complain. I don’t really think they understand though because their
personalities are not like that.
Anyway, although I’m not officially committing to start exercising yet, I can
say that reading your stuff really does motivate me. I suppose that is
because I know you dislike it just as much as I do. I am SO not inspired
by motivational comments like “you can do it”. The more my
husband keeps dropping his not-so-subtle lines in an attempt to find out when
I’m going to start exercising, the more I dig my heels in and come up with more
excuses about why it’s not a good time yet.
Keep on writing and letting us know what’s going on in your life. The
feeling of being connected to others who “get it” is really
important, I think. I hope, together with your new hours, your new boss,
and now knowing that you’re not going to be laid off, your migraines subside! I
know what they’re like, as I have had them since I was 20-21 and am now 58
years old. I will tell you that after the “7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual
Apocalypse” have left for good, your migraines may be limited to only 3 or
4 a year, or maybe none at all. So that’s something to look forward to.
Thanks for taking the time and energy to write these posts. You
always make me laugh! 🙂
I just recently found your website & blog, so don’t know
your whole story. I spend way too much time reading things on the
computer when I should be moving around doing something…anything else.
But I just had to comment tonight after reading your latest post. When I
got to the line “Is anyone rolling their eyes and screaming “Stop
whining!” yet? 🙂 Sorry…this is my process and this is who I
am”, I was yelling back, “No, I’m not screaming…that’s exactly who
I am, too!” In fact, I just emailed similar sentiments to my sisters
a few days ago, after realizing that I had been doing a lot of complaining
about my new “diet”. I told them that they shouldn’t feel like
they need to do something when I’m complaining…just let me complain.
Told them it makes me feel better and that I feel stifled if I can’t
complain. I don’t really think they understand though because their
personalities are not like that.
Anyway, although I’m not officially committing to start exercising yet, I can
say that reading your stuff really does motivate me. I suppose that is
because I know you dislike it just as much as I do. I am SO not inspired
by motivational comments like “you can do it”. The more my
husband keeps dropping his not-so-subtle lines in an attempt to find out when
I’m going to start exercising, the more I dig my heels in and come up with more
excuses about why it’s not a good time yet.
Keep on writing and letting us know what’s going on in your life. The
feeling of being connected to others who “get it” is really
important, I think. I hope, together with your new hours, your new boss,
and now knowing that you’re not going to be laid off, your migraines subside! I
know what they’re like, as I have had them since I was 20-21 and am now 58
years old. I will tell you that after the “7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual
Apocalypse” have left for good, your migraines may be limited to only 3 or
4 a year, or maybe none at all. So that’s something to look forward to.
Thanks for taking the time and energy to write these posts. You
always make me laugh! 🙂
I just recently found your website & blog, so don’t know
your whole story. I spend way too much time reading things on the
computer when I should be moving around doing something…anything else.
But I just had to comment tonight after reading your latest post. When I
got to the line “Is anyone rolling their eyes and screaming “Stop
whining!” yet? 🙂 Sorry…this is my process and this is who I
am”, I was yelling back, “No, I’m not screaming…that’s exactly who
I am, too!” In fact, I just emailed similar sentiments to my sisters
a few days ago, after realizing that I had been doing a lot of complaining
about my new “diet”. I told them that they shouldn’t feel like
they need to do something when I’m complaining…just let me complain.
Told them it makes me feel better and that I feel stifled if I can’t
complain. I don’t really think they understand though because their
personalities are not like that. Anyway, although I’m not officially committing to start exercising yet, I can
say that reading your stuff really does motivate me. I suppose that is
because I know you dislike it just as much as I do. I am SO not inspired
by motivational comments like “you can do it”. The more my
husband keeps dropping his not-so-subtle lines in an attempt to find out when
I’m going to start exercising, the more I dig my heels in and come up with more
excuses about why it’s not a good time yet.Keep on writing and letting us know what’s going on in your life. The
feeling of being connected to others who “get it” is really
important, I think. I hope, together with your new hours, your new boss,
and now knowing that you’re not going to be laid off, your migraines subside! I
know what they’re like, as I have had them since I was 20-21 and am now 58
years old. I will tell you that after the “7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual
Apocalypse” have left for good, your migraines may be limited to only 3 or
4 a year, or maybe none at all. So that’s something to look forward to.Thanks for taking the time and energy to write these posts. Youalways make me laugh! 🙂
Thanks Jane! Glad you found me!!! 🙂
I needed this this morning. Been having health issues for a couple of weeks and I’ve derailed quite a bit. I’m in that state of mind where I’m focused on getting the answers to whats going on with me, and I just feel like I cant concentrate on my normal routine. Thanks for reminding me that things WILL happen and stress is sometimes inevitable…You continue to inspire!
Thanks Allison!
I’m right there with you on the exercise thing! I have been doing the treadmill, but I really was getting tired of it and I basically never “wanted” to get on it. I finally got the most wonderfully comfortable recumbent exercise bicycle and now I can go 30 minutes easy while I’m watching tv just after a few days of working my way up in minutes. I tried a regular exercise bike but it hurt my rear too much to do for more than 12-15 minutes. (And I have enough junk-in-the-trunk rear-padding for several gals for sure).
By the way, I am also going through bankruptcy and it is starting to feel like there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Just filing for it and hiring a lawyer to guide me through, felt like I lost physical weight. Now I just have to finish the payments to him to get really started. Like you, it is a LOT to go through at once, along with job issues and regular financial worries, and bundling weight loss goal with all that feels like I am doing some major life-changing things even if it feels like snail’s progress sometimes. I understand where you’re at quite a bit.
I’m only one post in, but I feel like you’re my sister from another mother and I’m linking my tonight’s post to here to let people who “meet” me, also find you. I think you are a real treasure to find. As I have time, I’ll be reading all your other posts. Just know that you are touching and helping many others who are on the same path. I love reading the comments too, and I don’t feel so alone today, thank you all.
hugs to you!
Thank ya!
Just to clarify, my employer is going through bankruptcy…not me. 🙂
I did try a recumbent bike for a while, but I don’t like the way the rest of me bounces around when I pedal. LOL!!
http://goo.gl/Q3vv4