I meant to write a blog post about my big anniversary this past week…one that was chock full of the wordly wisdom I’ve earned over the past year…but that just didn’t happen. Instead, I had to settle for proudly proclaiming the news on my Facebook fan page last Sunday: it’s been a year since I gave up sugar. Go, me!
When we had out of town visitors last week, I brought one of my all time weaknesses into the house: Blue Bell ice cream. It’s a southern thing, trust me. After the pecan pie was served and the goodbyes were said, there was still ice cream in my freezer. Talking to me. Whispering to me at night. I’ve been tempted a few times, but honestly I’ve really enjoyed seeing that container in my freezer every day…knowing that I haven’t indulged in it. Feeling stronger every day I resist it.
The Gods of Christmas Fudge and Holiday Treats are not amused with my resolve. Now I’m being tested. Or punked. I can’t decide which.
On any normal day, I can resist the occasional sugar temptation just fine – but the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse are on me. I’m crampy, I’m bloated, I’m bitchy…and I’m vulnerable. I know it’s hard to imagine that I don’t always have all my shit together (especially with a name like Hot Mess Princess), but I’m not perfect…and during the week when Mother Nature is dumping all her anger on me, anything can happen.
Today, my boss brought me a large box of chocolates as a
Christmas gift. Oh, wait…sorry. I work in a corporate office. It was a HOLIDAY gift. (insert eye roll here). Don’t get me started on the whole happy holidays thing. Except this: if you wish me a Happy Hanukkah, I will smile and say thank you. I’m not Jewish. I understand it for the sentiment that it is. I’m not offended because I don’t celebrate Hanukkah. So, by all means, feel free to wish me a Merry Christmas because that’s the shit I celebrate!!! And happy Festivus to you as well.
Anyway…the giant box o’ hell was meant as a thank you for all the work I’ve done during the hellish re-org my company has gone through and that’s exactly how I took it. I’m grateful for the gesture. This isn’t about complaining about someone giving me a gift. This is just me wondering aloud to the universe…WTF!
Seriously!! Men, you may want to close your eyes and scroll down a few lines. Fair warning. I’m a fat girl who’s given up sugar and is on her period…and someone walks up and hands me a half pound box of chocolate??? Hey, universe!!! Cut me some frigg’in slack!!!!
After my boss left I turned back to my computer and made a grumpy face for a few minutes. I felt tempted. I felt guilty. You know…because I’m not a tall, leggy super model who can eat pizza rolls all day and still lose weight. I carry a large burden on these pale freckled shoulders, my friends.
And then I felt it: a part of me that I love dearly…and I never say shit like that, but this is part of the new me that’s grown over the past year. It welled up inside me and flooded my head and my heart with 100% bad-ass determination. I looked at that box of chocolates…and I smiled. Kind of a cool, “bring it” Clint Eastwood smile. And I knew. I knew I wasn’t going to open that box for all the cramps in the universe. I knew it and I felt it. Up yours, box o’ chocolates! My inner badass was loose. I love her!
Then I got home and found this on the porch:
Swiss Fuck’in Colony.
My mother-in-law, bless her heart, sends us treats from Swiss Colony every year. Two years ago I had lost some weight and asked her not to send me anything and, to her credit, she didn’t. Of course, I gained it all back the following year and therefore didn’t give a shit when she went me a box of coconut petit fours and a huge tin of chocolate covered butter toffee last year. In fact, making myself sick on that butter toffee was what prompted me to walk away from sugar for good.
I sort of assumed she would know not to send me anything this year, given the fact that she’s seen all the positive change going on here at Casa de Hot Mess. It appears I was mistaken. Four boxes: two for hubby, two for me. After facing down a box of chocolates today, I decided that I had the balls to open my boxes and see exactly what I was dealing with. Coconut petit fours and coconut fudge. (Are you sensing a theme? Yeah…I love coconut.)
My first instinct was to open up both boxes and toss the goodies directly into the trash. Yes, I know it’s wasteful – but I would rather immediately remove all temptation than risk what I have painstakingly earned over the past year. Just the sight of those boxes sent me whirling into a flashback and I remembered vividly the absolute loss of control I had last year as I stood in my kitchen, eating chocolate covered butter toffee like potato chips. One…after another…after another…until I was sick. I never ever want to go back there.
And then I felt it again: my inner badass rising up. It swelled in my heart and filled me up…and suddenly those boxes were just boxes. Fuck yeah.
These boxes can’t hurt me because the girl who stood in my kitchen a year ago is no longer calling the shots. She’s been made weak and feeble by a year of healthy eating. In fact, she’s almost gone. I’d love to say she’s completely gone, but the little bitch still keeps me off the treadmill consistently. For now.
These sugary treats can’t hurt me. Only my behavior can hurt me. A year ago, I would have already been halfway through the petit fours. That’s no small thing.
I never say this, but I’m proud. I’m proud of myself and all that I’ve done this year. The results of all my hard work this year don’t show as much on the outside (or on the scale) as much as I would like, but I know that’s coming. Today I’ve really connected with the fact that I have plenty to be thankful for and proud of.
Tonight I’ll go to sleep with a big fat smile on my face and a heart full of pride. I have changed. I continue to change. I am a force to be reckoned with…and the growing pile of unopened temptation on my kitchen counter says so. I’m going to let it sit there for a while. My own tribute to my inner badass. Alive, well, and growing stronger every day.
Thank you all for your amazing support this year. I’m so glad you’re here.
Merry Christmas. 🙂