Something’s happening soon and I’m not going to tell you what it is until it’s over. Frankly, I’ll be so busy zinging between feeling thrilled and feeling absolutely horrified that I just can’t handle anyone else watching me go through it until it’s done. And maybe not even then.
I’m going to be on tv.
Before you get all excited, it’s not for anything to do with my blog. That would rock, but I would still be just as freaked. Maybe someday I’ll be on tv because my awesome blog has inspired so many people across the land that the governor declares it National Hot Mess Princess Day…but that’s not what this is. This is because I’m an idiot fan of our local news show who posts too much on Facebook and got voted “Facebook Friend of the Week” – so they invited me down to the studio to meet the news anchors and get a tour.
That part’s cool, right? At least I think so. Many of you who have liked my Facebook fan page helped me win this invitation when I posted my frantic plea for people to vote for me. (Y’all totally blew my competition out of the water, too…you rock!) What I didn’t realize at the time, however, was that they don’t just invite you to the studio for a meet & greet. Nope. They also put you on the air.
As smooth, charming, and witty as I seem here in my little Hot Mess kingdom (chuckle) I’m really just a big twit. Especially when I’m feeling nervous. Or self-conscious. Seriously, when I’m nervous I could trip on a damn hair. I go from normal to blithering idiot in 2.2 seconds.
Don’t believe me? Let me take you back to 1984…when I was on tv the last time. Me and my BFF were camped out for “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” at the big swanky movie theater in our town. I’m a geek, ok? Shut up.
Every newspaper and local news station was coming out to report on us. It was very exciting. And then one reporter decided to interview us on camera. My BFF, a sun-shiny blonde with a big smile and nerves of steel did an awesome job being interviewed. Then it was my turn.
Reporter: “So do you think you’ll ever do this again?”
Me: (laughing nervously) “Oh, I don’t think I’ll be doing this again in the recent future!”
What. The. Hell???
…in the recent future.
Yes, I said that on tv. Yes, everyone I know was watching. Yes, it took a hundred thousand years for me to live that down. And I was cute back then! I had one ass, one chin, and no gray hair.
I am no longer that cute, oblivious young movie fan. I am a monstrously overweight chick who, in spite of her seemingly cool exterior, is really a nightmarish bundle of self-conscious bullshit balled up into a pair of plus sized pants. I do not want to be on camera.
I was on a work retreat in New York once and we did the NBC Studio Tour…and guess who was voted by her co-workers to be the weather girl on the NBC Nightly News set? Yours truly, of course. I got up on camera with that map of the U.S. behind me and the first thing out of my mouth was “Holy crap, my ass just eclipsed Texas!!!” (It’s true, it did…)
Yeah. And that was just in front of work people and not on the air. Imagine the damage I’ll do on live tv when I’m nervous. Holy shit biscuits.
Why can’t I just cancel? Well, I sort of had to cancel already because of a meeting at work on the day they originally invited me to the studio. I sent an email explaining my predicament and extended my heartfelt apologies…and they did the unthinkable: they sent a very gracious invitation to reschedule. So there’s that. Not to mention the fact that I beat out other viewers who would have had the opportunity to go. If I cancel again, I’m a Hot Mess Asshole. And why? Because I’m self-conscious? In the immortal scheme of things, who cares? No one knows who I am and no one cares. My last name isn’t Kardashian. (Thank God!!!)
I know in my head that none of this matters, but deep down in my heart lives that same 10 year old little girl who learned to get all her self-worth from her outer shell. That little girl will probably always be with me, but my 2013 goal of making exercise a consistent habit is going to do a lot to get her under control. Unfortunately we’re only 10 days into 2013 and I haven’t quite gotten around to shutting her up.
Here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to go…and I’m going to have a great time. I’m going to enjoy the tour and face my fears and muscle through it – because nothing good happens from hiding in a corner. And nobody puts Baby in a corner! Okay, seriously, I can’t be serious.
Hopefully when this is done, I’ll be able to smile and say I had a great time. I’ll realize how stupid I was to put so much importance on so small a thing. And, yes, I’ll be back to tell you how it went. And no, I’m not telling you when and what channel. I’m not that big of a badass yet.
But I will be.
I will be.
There’s no rest for a fat girl with a plan.