A month ago, four of my most loyal, bat shit crazy girlfriends and I drove the DFW Penis. I’ve tried to come up with a funny, witty post that would pay homage to the hilarity that ensued on that day but I need to remember the simple fact that sometimes it’s not necessary to add to something. Sometimes all I need to do is set the scene and let you watch it with your own eyes. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Before we get started, let me just remind you that this mission is called the 2013 DFW Penis Expedition for a reason. Therefore, it’s safe to say that it’s not suitable for viewing at work or in front of children. There are quite a few videos linked in this blog post, so be sure to have your speakers or headphones hooked up – and you should know that when you click on the video links a new browser window will open for you…so be sure to find your way back here when you’re done.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me set the scene for you…
My friends, Brenda, Lauren, and future blogger Jackie arrived at my house at 9 am sharp. I introduced them all to our mascot, whom you’ll meet in a minute: Gregory Pecker. He’s a dick. I handed out gift bags for the girls and then we did a “gear check” on the hood of my car to make sure we had all the shit we’d need for an epic trip. Since we planned to get out of the car at the head of the penis (pretty close to the pee hole) we knew hard hats and protective eye wear was important.
Then it was time to shoot the intro video for our Expedition – so Lauren grabbed the camera and Jacky and Brenda came with me. Click here to see the YouTube introduction to the DFW Penis that we recorded just for you.
After that, it was time for us to put Gregory Pecker in the car and hit the
You probably already know this, but we’ll share a road trip tip with you anyway: when taking a road trip it’s good to have some tunes to jam with in the car. It helps pass the time. We recommend Jungle Love. Click here for the video.
First stop on the 2013 DFW Penis Expedition: the Texas shaped thing of I-20 and Mountain Creek Parkway. I don’t know what the hell this thing is made of but it’s big and shaped like Texas…and people are always pulling off the road to take their picture in front of it. I first shared this place with you in my blog post called “Hello, Arlington!” about interesting places in my town. This is the first time I’ve actually pulled off the road and walked out to it.
Oh, what a sight I’m sure we were as we walked back to Brenda’s car with a giant inflatable penis. Click here to check it out.
Next, it was back on the
road penis…as we urged Brenda, our driver, to hydrate. You know the old saying…there’s no better way to hydrate than to drink Starbucks through a penis straw. Click here to view the unexpected side effects.
Before too long, we were all the way down the base of the shaft and the highway was curving into the balls. Woohoo!
Now…let’s talk about tailgaters for a minute. Not the fun, happy BBQ’ing in the parking lot before a sporting event kind of tailgaters…no. I’m talking about the kind of complete asshat who gets behind the wheel of a car and decides that he’s going to ride your ass until you change lanes in shame because you’re just not as awesome as he is. If you’re like me, you either ignore them or pull over and let them whiz by…but not today, my friends. Not today.
When we didn’t cower to his interstate bullying, he got the surprise of his life. As he cut over and zoomed past us, Jackie waved Gregory Pecker out the window at him and he couldn’t get away fast enough. He pulled in front of us briefly, but I imagine the sight of us in the rear view mirror was a little more than he bargained for. Pee first…and then click here to see why.
We were officially deep in the balls of the DFW Penis, otherwise known as Mesquite. It was getting pretty bushy…
This seems like a good place to get off the penis…
We took the Gross Road exit in Mesquite to do a little investigating. When it comes to lady gardening, we’re all pretty fastidious, yes? So why was all this bush around the balls of the DFW Penis? We had to check it out for ourselves. Click here to see the video of our investigation.
We found our way back to the highway and were soon traveling north up the shaft and then…shit. This happened.
Now, I would love to continue and tell you more about the 2013 DFW Penis Expedition…but I can’t. Why? Because my phone died and Jackie documented the other half of the trip. DOH! Rest easy, though…Jackie is about to go public with her own blog and she’s promised to post about the DFW Penis Expedition very soon.
UPDATE: Jackie met a guy and became a huge turd and flaked on the whole blog thing. Okay, sure, he turned out to be Mr. Right…and he’s pretty awesome and everything…but we never got the footage of the second half of the DFW Penis Expedition. I think we need a re-do.
In other news, I lost 113 pounds and 8 sizes in clothes…and I no longer look like the jolly penis princess in these videos. And Jackie is about to marry her Mr. Right. And now Brenda’s engaged. Holy shit…yeah, we definitely need to ride the penis. One. Last. Time.