Category Archives: Get Real!

The Nicest Things I’ve Never Worn…

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My usual flurry of weekend activity has been intensified by my determination to keep the “Plateau Blues” out of my head.  I busied myself with a myriad of tasks this weekend from my regular housecleaning to lunch with a girlfriend…and even cleaning my make-up brushes.  Yeah…I’m look’in for shit to do.  🙂  I’m focusing on the positive and doing things that make my life easier.  This also included straightening the closet.  That is, until my eyes fell upon a pretty storage box in the corner of the top shelf…and I stopped for a minute to look in it.

T-shirts.  Bunches of t-shirts that I’ve never worn.  Why?  Because there was a time in my life when I thought it would be motivating to buy clothes in a smaller size and hang them over the treadmill.  Turns out I was wrong.  It just made me feel bad.  It was like failure hanging over my head.  So I boxed them up and put them in the closet.

First, my apologies to all blondes. 🙂  I mean no disrespect…that shirt just made me laugh!  Second, I’m not sure I can pull off the “brown eyes hypnotize” shirt at my age…or the pink blinged out Super Girl shirt.  These two shirts feel like missed opportunities to me.  The OMFG STFU shirt is so small I’m not sure I’ll ever fit in it – as is the “Screw You We’re From Texas” shirt (great song!).

All of them are cute and I can understand why I bought them, but the problem with these shirts is that I was a giant fat girl when I bought them and I had no idea what size I would end up fitting in.  I bought mediums.  They all look unbelievably tiny to me when I hold them up now.   They almost look like little girl clothes to me.  I’m looking at the world through fat colored glasses, I guess.

I suppose if they don’t fit me when I hit my goal weight, I’ll have another raffle and send them off to all of you who are good enough to read this blog.  🙂  It seems like such a silly thing to have done, but I really wanted the shirts at the time and knew they wouldn’t still be for sale when I hit my goal weight.  I’m sure I thought it would happen sooner than this.

It could be that I’m so used to wearing giant Jabba the Hut pants that these normal sizes look tiny to me…so I’m hanging on to them for now.  In fact, as I write this, they’re already stowed in that pretty flower covered box and shoved to the back of the closet shelf again…waiting for goal weight day.

There are other pretty things that are waiting to be worn as well, including a bracelet my husband bought me right after we were married.  My wrist was/is too fat to wear it.  He felt terrible when he tried to put it on me and it wouldn’t fasten, even though nothing about it was his fault.  I own that, not him.  We’ll celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year and he’s never seen me weigh less than 265 pounds.

That shit’s gonna change!

Many of my readers have asked me lately “What’s keeping you motivated???”  I understand why those questions are being asked.  We’ve all been down this road a million times, haven’t we?  We’re doing well for a while and then BOOM…plateau.  Frustration gets us.  We want to lose weight, we don’t understand why we’re not, and we feel like…what’s the use?  Twinkie City, here we come.

I feel that way too sometimes, but the idea of doing this again seems absolutely insane to me.  Why would I put myself through all this again?  Granted, I have about 177 pounds to go and that’s overwhelming if you think about it (which I don’t)…but when I started this, I had 219 pounds to lose.  Why on Earth would I ever want to slam this car into reverse and go back to that?

I can’t help but see my bathroom scale when I walk through the master bedroom.  Many times lately, I see it and think to myself “It’s probably not going to move tomorrow either, damn it…”  I feel frustration.  I feel a little anger, even.  Sometimes I’m tempted to “just take a break…”  I know that leads to trouble.  You probably do too.

Then I think about that bracelet in my drawer that’s never fit me and I realize…simple science will win this battle for me.  Now is not the time to give up.  Less calories in, more calories out, water in, water out, cardio done, weights lifted.  No plateau in the world can stand up to the simple science of weight loss.  Why, oh why, would I reach for Twinkies or call for pizza?  If I do that, I’m guaranteeing that the bracelet will stay in its little velvet box a whole lot longer.

No plateau’s going to stop me from wearing it for my 10th anniversary.

Simple science + a little determination = success.  That’s how I’ve done it, that’s how I’m continuing to do it…and that’s how you can do it to.

The only way out is through.

Dianne from 2005…part two

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Hello again, peeps!

Yesterday, I posted some excerpts from an old 2005 food journal of mine.  Reading back over the choices that Dianne of 2005 made has given me renewed appreciation for Dianne of 2012.  🙂  I promised to continue sharing today, so here we go:

May 6, 2005

Did well today. Lost 1.5 pounds. I feel good. Tomorrow, dinner is at  Wings ‘n Things so I’m nervous about that. I plan to not get the fries I usually get. I also plan to get a little exercise in before dinner.

Lost 1.5 pounds, so I felt good.  Sounds like I finally pooped out all that taco grease, eh?

Five days into my “healthy eating taco worshipping diet” and I’m ready to waltz into a buffalo wing joint.  Wow.

Let me just put my Queen of Sarcasm crown on for this next part.  If you have major food issues and you’re trying to make a major life change, this is exactly what you want to do: go to your favorite buffalo wings restaurant during week #1.  Don’t you think that’s a GREAT idea?  And I was a little nervous about it?  Ya think??  I wish I’d had a fat fighting fairy godmother to hover over my shoulder and say “Giiiirrrrrl!  You’re sett’in yourself up to fail.  Walk away from those wings, you ain’t ready!”

Dianne from 2012 would never think about going out for buffalo wings during week 1 of a major life change.  In fact, I was so protective of my new lifestyle that I committed not to go to any restaurants for the first month.  I knew that I would cave as soon as I had the menu in my hands, so I took steps to ensure that I would not be tempted while starting my new habit.

I find it both tragic and humorous that I thought I was making the healthiest decision by giving up the french fries.  Deep fried buffalo wings are okay…but ditch those fries, honey…that shit’ll kill ya!!!  I still want to give Dianne from 2005 a big ol’ hug.

And, wouldn’t you know it, the journal skips ahead 5 days.  What happened?  Have I lost my focus?  How can that be when I’m doing so well?  In the first week of my new healthy eating lifestyle, I’ve eaten greasy tacos, I’ve run to the vending machine, and I’ve had buffalo wings…what could possibly have gone wrong?

MAYDAY!  MAYDAY!!!  We’re going down!!!!

May 11, 2005

Dinner at Wings ‘n Things last week. I gained another 1.5 pounds the next day. Had a weak moment on the 8th when I found some chips and ate them. Bought a package of Skinny Cows and ate those too. Gained another 2 pounds. I give myself an F for the week.

Uh oh.  I gained 1.5 pounds because I ate buffalo wings?  Sounds like I had fries after all.  I’ll tell you what:  the Hot Mess Hubby and I have gone out for buffalo wings a couple of times since I’ve been eating healthy…and I’ve never gained 1.5 pounds from doing it.  I plan it, I compensate with a smaller breakfast, and I’m usually not hungry for the rest of the day.  If I am, I have something light…and the scale doesn’t flinch a damn bit.

Chips.  Again, not in touch with my real needs and definitely not in control. I found some chips??  Where?  Were they walking along the sidewalk outside my house, lost and alone until I found them?  This is complete bullshit.  There are only two things in this world that are certain:  if a politician’s mouth is moving, he’s lying…and potato chips will last less than 8 hours in my house.  I found them?  NOT!  If I brought them in the house, they were gone the same day.  The only place I “found” chips was in the partially hydrogenated section at my local grocery store.  “Found” my ass!

Skinny Cows. Delicious low cal ice cream sandwiches. They’re really a Godsend for many people who are watching their weight but want a little treat. For me, they’re instant defeat cleverly disguised in a yummy ice cream sammie.  I eat one, then go on about my day. Five minutes later…I hear them.

Calling me.

“Dianne!!! Come back!!! We’re still here…and we’re delicious!!!!”

Yeah, can’t have ’em in the house.  They come six in a package.  And I’ll eat them all, one after the other.  In fact, when I was on Weight Watchers I actually spent my points on a whole package of Skinny Cows and tried to act like it was okay.  Insta-failure!  I’m pretty sure that’s not how Weight Watchers intends their members to eat…but I sure tried to make it legit.

No journal entries for over a month this time. At this point, impact is imminent. I should pull my head out of the potato chip bag and assume the crash position.

June 14, 2005

I have really dropped the ball. I got so sick (viral flu) that I completely lost track of myself. I’m sure I’ve gained back all the weight I lost, but I have to get right back on the horse. I’ve been forgetting to bring my lunch to work, too.  I’ve blown it.

Work is horrible right now.  My boss is a condescending jerk who picks on my employees if I’m not right there. I hate him.  I’m trying to stay positive.  Thinking of going back to therapy for a while.  I can’t seem to get my head on straight.

I remember this time in my life. It was pretty stressful.  Not the best time to attempt a major change, but since I was approaching the task with both eyes closed and trapped in my own web of bullshit…I was doomed.

Next journal entry is 5 weeks later…not even trying anymore.

July 20, 2005

Wow. Sidetracked again. After another fall off the wagon, I’m back for another try.

Kevin and I are on Atkins together. We started the 18th. This is my 3rd day of basically eating meat & cheese. Blech!

I weighed in at 351 pounds on the scale this morning.  I’m not proud of that.  I’m coming down off a couple weeks of ice cream and potato chip binges.  Not pretty.  So far I’m doing well, but I don’t like the lead ball I feel in my stomach most of the time.  Meat and cheese and carb free peanut butter.  I’ve had four migraines in two days, but this seems to be working.  Glad I have therapy today, though.

This just made me sad for Dianne of 2005.  My last healthy eating attempt, which had me eating greasy tacos, buffalo wings, and vending machine fare, has taken me to a new top weight:  351.  I gained 4 pounds. This is how you go from 125 pounds to 381 pounds, folks. Set yourself up to fail, go on a diet, fail, give up, hate yourself for it, binge eat, gain a few pounds more than when you started. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Atkins.  Four migraines in two days.  I remember this week well.  The very next day, I woke up with a migraine that was so bad my normal medication wouldn’t work.  Hot Mess Hubby had to take me to the doctor’s office for a shot to knock me out.  So much for Atkins.

That’s the last entry there was.  Fizzled out in the first week, then struggled for a while to get back on track…finally giving up on myself yet again, then came back and tried to jump back on the wagon, only to land in a face plant on the side of the road. And this time, apparently, I landed back in therapy as well.

I remember that therapist, too. He wore very strange shoes and tried to sell me on getting a hair analysis done to determine why I was so addicted to food.  Here’s the kicker:  since I dyed my hair, he wanted me to give him a pubic hair.  Yep. 

“Just bring it to your next appointment in a sandwich bag,” he said very non-chalantly.

No, I’m not joking.  And NO, I most certainly did not do it!

I can see it now:  I’m at lunch with my friends and the waiter brings my check.  I pull my wallet out of my purse and the pubic hair in the sandwich bag goes flying out and lands in the middle of the table.  Classy.

How do you recover from something like that?  Pretend like someone threw it just as I pulled my wallet out?  Look at one of my friends with disgust and yell “Eeeew! Where did you get THAT?”

I would probably go for the more obvious exclamation of “Oh…yeah…like YOU’VE never carried a pubic hair in your purse before?  Bitch, please!”

Actually no…I would just not entertain such a freaky deaky idea in the first place!! Which is what I did.  I told my therapist thanks, but no thanks…I’ll keep my short & curlies to myself.

I will never see the 380’s, the 370’s, the 360’s, or the 350’s again.  Soon I will say goodbye to the 340’s (at least once the water weight from the 7 Dwarfs last visit finally goes away…they’re such jerks).  No more drama up and down the scale for me.  This elevator goes one direction:  back down to ground level…to the drama free land of sanity and cute pants…and handbags that match.  🙂

Can’t wait to get there, but I’m grateful to be enjoying the journey.

Meet Dianne…from 2005

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Hello, peeps!

I was helping the Hot Mess Hubby set up a work space for his new side business the other day when I ran across an old journal of mine from 2005.  In it, I chronicled one of my many attempts at healthy eating…and as I read through it, I knew I had to share it with you.

I know I’m not alone when I say I’ve spent too many weekends giving one last hurrah to all my favorite foods, then dumping all the junk food on Sunday night and starting a strict diet Monday morning.  I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s ever saddled herself with ridiculously high expectations, or set herself up to fail by reaching too high and running too fast (figuratively speaking, of course…if I actually ran, I’d blacken both eyes and would most likely need breast re-attachment surgery).  Still, reading this old journal was an eye opener for me.

Without further adieu, we’ll start at the beginning of the journal…on a Monday, of course, because I never started eating healthy on any other day back then.  Here we go:

May 2, 2005

My goal for the day was to make healthy eating choices. Mission accomplished! It was harder than I expected. I felt like I was walking on eggshells…everything felt fragile. I didn’t give in. I was able to remember what my real goal is and I stood up for myself. I give myself an A today. I didn’t exercise, but I really made good food choices.

I guess this isn’t a bad start, although it feels a little negative to me.  It is really hard to start eating healthy when you have issues with food, so the walking on eggshells thing is dead on…but I know myself.  I know that I was already feeling guilty for not exercising – even though I said my goal was just to make healthy eating choices.  My heart wasn’t in it.  Looking back at this, I can see I was not looking out for myself.  I wasn’t trying to ensure my ultimate success…I was just making another attempt at the same plan I’d failed at a million times before.

May 3, 2005

I felt okay this morning. Didn’t sleep well last night, but had a lot on my mind. Last week, I hit 347 on the scale. That’s my top weight ever. I got on the scale this morning and I’ve lost 4.5 pounds. The whole rest of the day I was a happy girl.

Still didn’t exercise today. Did well with my food choices, but I had 3 pieces of string cheese for a snack today and I need to work on that. Not 100% happy with that choice. I give myself a B+ today.

347 was my top weight back then.  Wow.  I wish I could go back in time and tell myself I would be hitting 381 pounds in 5 years, although I doubt it would have made a difference.  I just wasn’t ready to change.

I was already having small bursts of uncontrolled eating.  Three pieces of string cheese might not seem like a big deal, but actually…I wasn’t planning my meals at all.  I was just grabbing.  I remember going back for more cheese…and more cheese – and it wasn’t because I was hungry.  This was a “I’m trying to eat healthy again…and I’m scared of failing…and I’ve almost gained 100 pounds since the wedding…which means I’m a horrible, weak person and the only thing I know how to do is medicate myself with food and oh, those little individually wrapped string cheeses are soooo cute.”

You can see I wasn’t ready to change when I say that I “did well with my food choices” and in the same sentence, I’m admitting that I ate 3 pieces of string cheese I didn’t plan on.  This is what happens when I don’t make slower, more deliberate decisions:  I’m unable to detect my own bullshit.  I’m already in trouble and I can’t see it.  Whether it’s chocolate or cheese or cabbage, overeating is still overeating…and I wasn’t being honest with myself.

May 4, 2005

Got on the scale this morning and have lost 6 pounds so far! My goal for today was making healthy food choices and 15 minutes on the treadmill. Got hungry before lunch and had to get some melba toast things from the vending machine. The rest of the day was okay.

I got home and made tacos, which I think was a mistake. I love my homemade tacos…I made 6 of them and ate them. I went to bed stuffed and never got on the treadmill. I’d give myself a grade of a D for the day. I know I’ll do better tomorrow.

Still not planning my meals, which is setting me up for failure. This really makes me mad at myself:  “Got hungry before lunch and had to get some melba toast things from the vending machine”.  Yes…I had to.  Otherwise, I certainly would have starved to death before lunch, right?  I have enough fat cells stored in my ass to survive winter on the Donner Pass, for crap’s sake…I didn’t have to do anything.  And if I had just planned my meals & snacks, running to the vending machine would not have been necessary.

Also…y’all should have seen my face when I read “The rest of the day was okay” and then right after that I ate 6 tacos!  Obviously, the rest of the day was NOT okay…but I was already swimming so deep in my own bullshit, I couldn’t see it.

Tacos.  Do you know what my homemade tacos consisted of back then?  A LOT OF FAT AND GREASE!!!  My homemade tacos were home fried corn tortilla shells, which I would sprinkle with salt after I plucked them from the pan of oil…and a pound of ground beef.  And, no, there were never any leftovers.  Sweet jump’in Jesus on a pogo stick.

So…now that you know my hideous, heart-attack-on-a-plate recipe for tacos…isn’t it laughable that I actually said I THINK it was a mistake to make them?  Ya think, Dianne?

And I never got on the treadmill.  Day 4 and I’m eating greasy tacos and not working out.  Already in a downward spiral…crashing fast.

May 5, 2005

Well, I’ve gained a pound. Too many tacos. Have training at work today, which is going to be all day. Hell.

Gee, I just don’t seem as perky as I did on Day 1, do I?  This is only 4 days later.  Perhaps I’ve fried myself into a taco coma.  Poor Dianne from 2005…I just want to hug her.

I’ll continue the journal tomorrow.  There’s more to share – but I want to talk about honesty real quick.  Grab a cup o’ coffee and sit with me for a minute…

I get so many emails from readers asking me what I’m doing that helps me stick with it.  I always try to answer the best I can, but I don’t think there’s only one way to do this.  I do, however, think there’s one thing none of us can do without if we’re really going to kick our food demons in the ass:  honesty.  Unless we’re honest with ourselves, we’re not going anywhere.  It probably sounds very common sense to some of you, but for me it was a hard lesson to learn – and it wasn’t just about honesty, it was also about self-respect.

More than anything else, I hope that sharing my journal with you has shown how hard this is when your “bullshit meter” is broken…and how important it is to be 100% honest with yourself in your own process.

Finding this journal really helped me to appreciate how much I’ve changed.  I needed this right now…I’ve been a little frustrated because the 7 Dwarfs of the (menstrual) Apocalypse momentarily stalled my efforts to get to 339.  As I read through the journal, my reactions to the way I handled myself back then have shown me once again that the lost, befuddled Dianne from 2005…who sabotaged herself and believed her own bullshit…is gone.

It’s very exciting…and a little scary.  Part of me wants to jump up and down, dance the happy dance, and sing to the heavens “I finally get it!  I GET IT!!!”  Part of me knows what happens when I get too cocky and celebrate too quickly.  It’s “Oh my God, I’m riding a bike!!” and then…C R A S H!!!  And so, even though I know it’s different this time…that this place in my life feels true and real and just downright triumphant in many ways…I will keep it all close to my chest and hold on to my ever growing resolve with renewed appreciation.

I do get it.  I will celebrate.  But right now, I’d rather get to the next set of tens…which is only 2 pounds away.

I’ll see y’all tomorrow…I’ll finish sharing the journal then.  You won’t believe what i did just 2 days later.  Poor Dianne from 2005.

Eating Naughty

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When it comes to eating naughty, calorie-laden foods, I think it’s safe to say that I shed my amateur status years ago.  Most obese people have a love/hate relationship with food…and the only people I know who have ever successfully wrestled this tiger to the ground are the ones who made peace with their demons.  I think I’ve been successful for so long this time because I’m looking the demons right in their angry little green faces…and then clubbing the shit out of them with my weapon of choice:  common sense.

My first common sense victory happened when I decided to stop force feeding myself “diet” food and really spent some time & energy finding healthy food that I actually enjoyed.  I knew I wasn’t going to see any long term success if I stuffed my freezer with diet entrees and forced brown rice down my throat every night.  I really enjoy finding and testing recipes that are tasty and healthy – and I refuse to settle for anything less.

I love it when someone comes out with a lighter/leaner version of something and it’s absolutely delicious.  However, some of these lighter/leaner recipes make me wonder if the creator didn’t eat a big bowl ‘o stupid when they thought them up.

For example, I once saw a lighter/leaner recipe for Starbucks cake pops.  A single Starbucks cake pop has 180 calories.  This website published their lighter recipe, which made 24 cake pops that were 118 calories each.  Are you kidding me?

First of all, that’s only 62 calories less for all the trouble you’re going through to make them.  Second, I’m an eater.  I need 24 cake pops in my house like the world needs another Snooki.  Those cake pops would be whispering to me from the kitchen until they were all gone…which would take about as much time as it does to watch the evening news and a couple episodes of “Friends”.  Trying to save those 62 ridiculous calories would have given me a 2,832 calorie binge and a hell of a guilt trip.  No, thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also found a lighter recipe for Jamba Juice’s “Orange Dream Machine”.  The lighter recipe was 164 calories (compared to Jamba’s 350 calories) and contained fat free powdered non-dairy creamer and a packet of no calorie sweetener.  Jamba Juice’s recipe contains fruit, soy milk, and all natural ingredients.

It’s a no brainer for me…in favor of the original, higher calorie recipe.  I don’t go to Jamba Juice very often – so if I go, I’m prepared to spend a little extra time on the treadmill.  And I really don’t want to eat chemicals, ok?  Seriously.  Fat free powdered non-dairy creamer and a packet o’ chemicals just so we can say we had half  the calories?  What about the value of those calories?

If I’m really that hung up about the 350 calories in the 16 oz Orange Dream Machine, I’ll drink half of it and save half of it for tomorrow.  There!  I just cut it in half AND got to enjoy the other half the next day…voila!  Common sense.

I also have an issue with some of the recipes that appear in magazines like Cooking Light and Clean Eating.  I love these magazines…but there comes a point when I just want to roll my eyes and smack the crap out of the people in their test kitchens.   Clean Eating magazine once featured a recipe for coconut cream pie on their cover and I was so excited I nearly peed my pants right there in Barnes & Noble…right in front of the bridal magazine section where all the skinny girls stand, too.  How embarrassing!

I feverishly flipped through the magazine to see what the calorie damage was on the coconut cream pie and found a list of ingredients I’d never heard of before – including “organic evaporated cane juice”.  Whaaaat?

Oh, organic evaporated cane juice?  Yes, of course I have some of that in my pantry…right next to the jar where I keep Batman’s left testicle.  They’re both equally difficult to get a hold of.  Where do these ingredients come from?

Maybe the summer issue of Better Homes and Gardens will feature a super low-cal star spangled blueberry pie with just a few simple ingredients:

blueberries
pie crust
evaporated non-dry, whole-grain unbleached bleached white flour
apple flavored single malt gelatin granules
36.2 packets of calorie-free, sugar-free sugar substitute with bacon extract
the bark from the north facing side of a willow tree
and 1/2 of a banana

Jesus!  Sometimes it’s easier (and healthier) to just eat the original recipe, calories and all…and work it off the old fashioned way.

I’ve lost 27 pounds in 3 months – and that includes a trip to my favorite Texas buffalo wing bar and 2 nights of “we have no clean dishes, let’s just order pizza”.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t all be trying to eat lighter as a whole, but sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Case in point:  buffalo wings.  I have never found a healthier, baked recipe that I enjoy.  EVER.  As far as I’m concerned, the extra calories are worth it.  However, I never need to buy a bag of oily chips again…because I enjoy my lighter, leaner potato chip recipe every bit as much as those oily chips.  More, actually.

Sometimes it’s okay to just eat naughty.  Get in touch with where you are emotionally.  Are you in a good place or a bad place?  Deep down, you know…and if you really don’t know, then don’t eat naughty until you do know.  Once you determine that you aren’t trying to medicate yourself with naughty food…go ahead and (gasp) eat it.  The trick is to actually take a little time and come up with a plan for yourself.  If you don’t have a plan, feel free to use mine…I can share.

Here are my 10 Common Sense Steps to Eating Naughty:

1. Figure out the caloric content & serving size you’re going to eat.  (Lying to yourself TRIPLES the calories…you’ve been warned.)

2. Figure out how much extra cardio you’re going to have to do to work it off.

3. Re-evaluate whether it’s really worth it to you to eat those calories.  Sometimes it is…and there’s nothing wrong with that.  If it’s worth it, commit to that extra cardio (and I mean set a time for it on the same day you’re eating naughty).

4. Make adjustments to your other meals for that day.  This is especially helpful if you’re eating something that’s very high in calories.  For example, if you’re eating something that’s 700 calories, then remove 350 calories from your other meals that day and burn 350 extra calories in cardio.  Do not skip meals!

5. If you’re cooking the naughty/unhealthy food and you know there will be leftovers, package it up IMMEDIATELY and send Johnny Jr. next door to give it to the neighbors…or the dog…I don’t care, just get it the hell out of your house.  You know you’ll go back for more if it’s still there before bed.

6. If you’re going out to a restaurant, are you eating the entire entree or will there be leftovers?  If there will be leftovers, ask the server to bring you a take-out container BEFORE your food.

7. Serve yourself the pre-determined serving amount.

8. Thoroughly enjoy it…guilt free.  If anyone makes any snarky comments, kick ’em in the Precious!

9. Get up off your ass and honor your cardio commitment before you talk yourself out of it.

10. Don’t visit Mr. Scale the next day…just in case he pisses you off or makes you feel guilty.

My best advice to you is this:  listen to yourself.  You know what’s really in your heart and your head.  If you can handle it and be honest with yourself, it doesn’t hurt to eat naughty once in a while.  If you’re not sure, either don’t do it…or start shopping for evaporated yak saliva and reconstituted cow hooves.  Yum!

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A Tale of Two Grocery Carts

Battle of the Butt, Get Real!, , , , , ,

If you follow my Facebook Fan Page, you know I had a big Pampered Chef party at my house on Saturday night.  Traditionally, a selection of yummy, creative food is prepared and served at these parties and I had decided to serve a new Pampered Chef recipe:  Chicago-Style Hot Dog Bites.  This solved the nibble problem for me, since the recipe contains pickles.  Nothing tickles my gag reflex faster than pickles (except maybe a Kardashian).  The Chicago Style Hot Dog bites looked very pretty – thanks to pals Brenda & Lauren, who did the bulk of the work – but there was no way I was going to eat one!  Pickles are the devil!!

To get ready for the big shindig, I schlepped my four butts to the grocery store Saturday morning for recipe supplies and general party hoo-hah.  My plan was to get in and out as quickly as possible, so that I could get home and focus on the party prep stuff.  In the produce section, there was a woman blocking the aisle with her cart.  Do we all hate it when someone does this or is it just me?  It always amazes me when someone is so unaware of themselves that they just stop their shit in the middle of an aisle, blocking anyone from passing in either direction.  Highway rules should always apply when it comes to aisles, hallways, sidewalks, or escalators:  pass on the left, slower traffic keep right, and pull over to the damn side if you’re going to stop…moron!

This particular idjit with bad shopping cart etiquette was wearing yoga pants, which she definitely had the body for, but I always think of that internet meme “My yoga pants have never been to yoga.”

Whether this is true for her or not, I’ll never know and I certainly wasn’t going to judge – however, she was perfectly coiffed and her make-up was spotless – so I doubt she was just stopping at the store after 30 minutes of “northbound facing rainbow stance”.  (Sorry, I don’t know yoga-speak!)  I didn’t really care what her deal was, I just needed her to move her yoga pants out of my way.  She was so engrossed in her search for the perfect bulb of garlic that she was oblivious to the fact that anyone was close by, so I followed my own standard procedure that I use whenever I meet up with an aisle hog.

“Excuse me,” I said very sweetly, making sure I was smiling at the poor oblivious creature.  “Can I just squeeze by you real quick?”

Most of the time the offending aisle hog moves over and mutters an apology of some sort, to which I reply “Oh, it’s no problem – have a great day!”  (And no, I don’t really mean it’s no problem, but I can’t bring myself to say “Nice aisle manners!  Do you stop your Escalade in the middle of the road to answer your cell phone, butt munch???”)

They probably do.  Don’t get me started.

But Yoga Pants was different.  Yoga Pants did not respond by moving over and muttering an apology.  Noooo.  Yoga Pants looked up and made no secret that she was 100% disgusted at the fat person who was…alarmingly close.  She looked like she was afraid she would get the fat cooties if I came any closer.  She was appalled.  Silly me, here I was miffed that she was hogging up the aisle and apparently she was the one who should be pissed at the fatty trying to shop in her produce section.  Or perhaps my obese-ness was so alarming that she thought I was there to eat her.  She looked afraid.  Perhaps I should have assured her that she looked far too crunchy for my taste.  Her collar bone was way pointy.

As if the awkward, horrified reaction wasn’t enough, she did something I really  hate:  she looked me up and down as she moved her cart over.  I hate the up and down look.  It’s just effing rude.  I could feel her watching me as I moved past her and grabbed some green onions, then moved on to the herbs.  I could see her out of the corner of my eye – still watching me as I moved around the produce section.  Was it that shocking to see a fat person shopping for produce?  I probably really freaked her out.  Perhaps she thought I was lost and needed directions to the snack cakes…and here I blew her mind by going right for the green veggies.  Poor thing!

The problem with idjits in the grocery store, however, is that once you find them you have 15 more aisles in which to encounter them…because every time you turn the corner, there they are again.  Yoga Pants was slinking up the chips aisle when I saw her next.  I tossed two bags of tortilla chips in my cart and she looked almost relieved, as if she was thinking “Everything makes sense in the world again, the fatty went for the chips!”

We met up again on the coffee/breakfast aisle.  As she passed, she looked into my cart to see what I had.  As if in slow motion, I watched her eyes dart over the veggies, the non-fat milk, the tortilla chips, and the box of Special K Vanilla Almond cereal in my cart.  Seriously, I was liking her less and less with every aisle that came along.  Keep your eyeballs out of my cart, bitch. 

I’ve lost count of the number of times some nosy-ass has sneaked a peek into my cart – or stolen a glance at my plate in a restaurant.  It always infuriates me.  If you think I’m kidding, then I encourage you to don a fat suit that packs an extra 200 pounds on your body and try to go about your normal day.  You’d be surprised as hell at the gumption some people have just because you’re a fatty for a day.  Something snapped…and as she rounded the corner and came up the canned goods aisle, I decided to stoop to her level.

She approached me and I peeked when she peeked – and I’ll tell you what:  it was an eye opener.  The first thing I saw:  Pop Tarts.  Not just one little box…two huge value packs of Pop Tarts.  And then there were the cheese poofies that she obviously picked up on the chips aisle while she was glaring at my tortilla chips.

I had to make a detour to the dairy case, lest my Chicago Style Hot Dog bites not be cheesy.  Yoga Pants and I met up again as I started down the pasta aisle.  She peeked at my sharp cheddar, so I peeked and discovered at least 15 boxes of crap-in-a-box (aka Hamburger Helper).  Whaaaat?

Hey, Yoga Pants!  You’re going to partially hydrogenate yourself to an early grave.  But, by all means, please keep giving us fatties the stink eye when we invade the produce section.  Kiss my rapidly reducing ass.  🙂

I have a real beef with folks who judge a book by its cover – and some of you may think I’m doing the same with Yoga Pants here, but I assure you…when you’ve spent 20+ years on the fat end of the scale you understand how the world works when it comes to pecking order.  Many of you have encouraged me to write a book (which I’m doing) and perhaps the chapter on fatties versus fitties will convince you.  Till then, you’ll just have to trust me – unless you live the same experience I do, and I know some of you do!  I can tell the different between a fleeting glance and the nosy stare of some ass-hat who’s got nothing better to do than judge a hottie-in-training like me.

By the time we were steering towards the check-out lanes, I was as equally disgusted with her as she was with me & my four asses.  Every kind of pre-packaged, processed food was in her cart – not to mention those heavenly Circus Animal cookies.  Jesus, that was a bit hard to take.  One look at that pink & purple packaging and I could feel the sugar rushing to my ovaries just like the good old days!  Someone give me a turkey burger…STAT!

I shook off the experience and went on with the rest of my day, but I knew that when the Pampered Chef fun was over I was going to come back around and have to write about this.  I actually intended to post this yesterday, but Hemi the cat needed something warm for her belly and decided that my laptop was the perfect resting place.  In about 5 seconds, her belly deleted a day’s worth of work (sometimes my auto-save is a lying bitch).  So here I am today… a little late, but still full of piss & vinegar when it comes to Yoga Pants and her Pop Tart guzzling brood.  To make matters worse, I intended to post this hours ago…but I sliced through the tip of my thumb while making dinner (pics of the big bandage are on my Facebook Fan Page. LOL).  Thank God for that tetanus shot I had in 2010 when I sliced another fingertip off while making chips in the microwave.  Damn carbs!

In other news, Mr. Scale has not yet budged.  I’m hoping to get him to move a little more before my uterus starts setting up for the 7 Dwarfs of the Apocalypse.  Perhaps he needs another visit to the table saw.  🙂

The party is over, my mother-in-law has just gone home…and my newly bandaged thumb is throbbing less, so I’m on my way to bed.  I am loving the comments, the Facebook messages, and the emails y’all are sending…you have no idea how much you keep me going.  🙂

Big love!