I’m not even going to pretend that I’m a poet, okay – let me just start off by getting that shit out of the way. Sometimes I get in a rhymey mood, though, and last night was one of those nights. This started off as a take on the children’s prayer “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” and it just took on a life of it’s own.
I hope it gives you a smile, a little giggle, and a lot of motivation. We got this, peeps.
Much love,
HMP
It’s Thursday – and normally I would be writing about whatever my Facebook fans voted for…but there was a tie between “The First Time You Heard Your Parent Cuss” and “My Morning Drive”. Since either topic would amount to a total snooze-fest, I’m sparing you the agony of reading them. You’re welcome.
When I look back at the relative ease with which I wrestled my food demons last year, I realize it was a total cake walk. Perhaps that’s not the best choice of words, but it did involve giving up cake. The whole time I was cake-walking through my new menu choices, I kept thinking to myself that it was too easy. I kept telling myself I’d add the exercise part when I was ready, preferring to focus on the food issues at first. When the desire to exercise didn’t come around on its own, I decided to make 2013 all about embracing exercise. And here it is…August…and I still haven’t succeeded at making exercise a habit.
I’ve written a buttload of words about my lack of motivation to exercise. I hate exercise, honestly. I haven’t always felt that way, obviously. I used to be a dancer – and I really loved it. When you’re this overweight, though, you’re not just dealing with the discomfort of sweating in gross places – you’re dealing with actual physical pain just walking to the copy machine at work or getting out of your car. All of these things are huge de-motivators for me…and after eight months of trying, I still haven’t found something that motivates me to workout. I can make myself do it, but that only lasts for a little while. Everyone needs something to look forward to and I couldn’t find my something.
Until last night – but we’ll get to that later.
Let’s talk about what doesn’t motivate me for a minute:
Making a list of all the things I’ll be able to do when I hit my goal weight. Ride a rollercoaster with Hot Mess Hubby. Go to a Texas Rangers baseball game without the sides of the seat digging into my legs. Fly in an airplane without a seat belt extender. All of these things are wonderful. Thinking of them only reminds me that I can’t do these things…how long it will be until I can do these things…and how bad I suck because I’m too fat to do these things.
Motivational quotes on Pinterest pasted on photoshopped pictures of skinny fitness models. HELL no. I don’t care what the words say…the pictures are a complete and total de-motivator. While I continue to hold onto the faith that I’ll hit my goal weight, I am not ignorant enough to believe that I will ever look like these women. Ever. Seeing this crap on Pinterest just makes me laugh.
Eyerolls, looks of disgust, and general disdain from strangers at restaurants…in grocery stores…anywhere. Do they really think that’s motivating? What point are they trying to make exactly? Perhaps it’s arrogant of me to think they’re trying to motivate a person they don’t even know…but then it’s arrogant of them to think I give a flying fart in space what a total stranger thinks of me. Have some manners. I give myself enough shit about this…I don’t need your help. I hope you come back as a fat person in your next life, sweet pea.
Dangling carrots. I’ve tried rewarding myself with money, gifts (including gorgeous handbags…my favorite!) and I’m still not motivated by it. And I know this is super hypocritical, but I have to be honest: if someone offered me a million dollars to lose this weight, it would motivate me. I guess there’s a slight difference between a beautiful Dooney & Bourke handbag and a life-changing fortune…but I still feel hypocritical that the money will motivate me but the handbag won’t.
So those are the things that don’t motivate me. I’ve learned that in the last eight months. Last night, I finally had the epiphany that I’ve been trying to squeeze out of my head the whole damn year. At least that’s what I think happened. I almost feel reluctant to talk about it for fear that it might go away, but I can’t help it. I have to talk about it.
In Tuesday night’s blog, when I said that I couldn’t have weight loss surgery because I needed to show my ten year old self that I could do this on my own, that hit home with me big time. I went to sleep thinking about it. I woke up thinking about it. I got myself ready to start my day, then plopped down in front of the laptop and looked at this picture again.
Look at that face. No, I’m not trying to be an idiot – I know she’s me. Look at her face. She’s a cutie. Although she’s kind of whored up in this picture by her mother’s blue eyeshadow, this is a cute little girl. This is a girl who just wants to dance. She wants to spend time with her girlfriends, go to the school book fair, tease boys, and have fun in art class. And go to slumber parties. Always with the slumber parties.
At this stage of her life, her career ambitions were to be a dancing-astronaut-writer. This girl had hopes and dreams. She was going places. And then a complete dillhole took it all away with ten years of beating her down. She never learned to fight back.
And so when I think of the monumental task of getting myself to my goal weight and I look at the face of this little girl…I see my motivation in those big brown eyes. A motherly/sisterly/auntie vibe comes over me and I instantly want to protect her, nurture her, and show her the ropes. She deserves a good life.
So while I may not want to do it for any of the aforementioned hoo-hah, I would do it for her. Look at that face. What a sweet girl. I would do anything for her.
This little reminder is going with me everywhere from now on. I’m putting it with my gym card so that I have a visual reminder of my motivation with me always.
For her. I’ll do it for her.
It’s the most uplifting thing to finally feel motivation in my gut. I want to go to the gym today! Not for 300+ pound me…for ten year old me. I can’t stop smiling about it.
So if you haven’t found your motivation yet, my message today is…keep looking. You never know where you’ll find it. I think I’ve found mine.
What motivates you?
Hot Mess Hubby and I had the talk a few weeks ago. We were talking about my struggles with food…and working out…and my weight. And he said the words that a lot of spouses are probably afraid to say.
“Babe, I’m not being mean…but at some point, don’t you have to think about surgery?”
Yowch. I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt to hear that – but after ten years of marriage, HMH knows how to take the sting out of his words. Pretty much.
He was speaking out of love, not malice. He’s watched me struggle with this for a long time now. Any normal person would be thinking “When is it going to be enough for you to just do it?” There is no pressure attached to his message, no impatience or intolerance. He loves me. He’s worried about me.
We’ve had this talk before. A few times. In the beginning, it was just my crazed ranting against surgery because I was watching a friend (or two or three) go through it without using it as a tool for healthy living. I know many people who’ve had weight loss surgery and gained it all back because they didn’t change what was really important: their thinking.
I’ve seriously considered surgery twice in my life. About five years ago I made an appointment with a local surgeon and then cancelled it the day before. Two years ago, I made an appointment with a different surgeon and kept it. I went through the entire screening process, passed the psych exam (shut up, I totally aced it), and was awaiting insurance approval when I stopped the process and decided not to go through with it. Why? Because I lost weight on my own.
Ever since the first of many of my friends had weight loss surgery, the option of doing it for myself has hung over me like a dark cloud. At one point in my life, all my closest girlfriends had done it. I lived in a world where they were so excited about their amazing weight loss that they couldn’t stop talking about it…and then they started giving me their clothes that were too big for them. As happy as I was for them, it was absolutely crushing.
There have been times when I’ve felt surgery was inevitable. There are moments when I think…what am I waiting for? How long am I going to struggle in vain before I realize that I’m just not strong enough or tough enough or smart enough to change myself?
And that’s when the answer comes. No. I’m not having surgery.
I admit it: there was a time in my life when I looked down at people who decided to have weight loss surgery. I haven’t felt that way about it for a long, long time. I understand it for what it is: a tool. I have nothing but love and support in my heart for those who choose surgery – because I’ll tell you what: unless you’ve been morbidly obese, you have no idea what this is like.
Surgery has a bad rep because there are many weight loss surgeons out there who are smarmy as hell. They get excited when they see a fat person just like a personal injury attorney gets excited when they see an accident victim. These surgeons don’t care how you gained it or why you want to lose it. They don’t care if you’re emotionally ready for it. They care about whether you have insurance or can qualify for easy financing. Weight loss surgery has become Ritalin for fat people – and that’s why it has a bad rep. I know women who have been told to gain 20 pounds in order to qualify. And I know someone who’s done exactly that.
I also know people who have had weight loss surgery and say it’s the best decision they’ve ever made in their lives. They’ve kept their weight off and they live healthy, active lives now. It’s a combination of being ready and finding a decent doctor that results in a positive, lasting experience. It’s just not for me.
I’ve pretty much fixed the inside of me. And I’m pretty damn confident that I’d be successful if I elected to have weight loss surgery. I still can’t do it. Not because I’m afraid, but because I have something to prove.
I think back to that ten year old little girl I was when I first learned what fat was. I think about the way I grew up: believing that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t lovable enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. (Yes, I do realize I sound like that idiot from Saturday Night Live.)
I’m just not going to tell myself that I’m not tough enough to do this the way I feel I need to do it. I’m not going to think about that ten year old kid in that mirror and know that my rotten bastard of a dance teacher was right: that my best is not good enough.
I’m not going to say that to myself. I’m just not. I would rather hurt on the elliptical than hurt in a recovery room. So it’s for her that I’m doing this…that ten year old little girl who just needed someone to stand up for her. I can’t just fix her with surgery. I have to show her that she really was enough.
The path you take to living a healthy life is a very personal one. Whatever road you choose, I wish you a safe journey…and fierce success.
I joined a gym a while back. Ladies only. Sorry, fellas, you can keep your muscly eyeballs off my four asses. I don’t need your weird looks.
After about a month, the frustrating mega-bitch (aka the elliptical trainer) continues to humble me. But it’s okay…because she doesn’t mock me. She waits for me every day after work like a faithful friend and I try my best not to disappoint her, although I haven’t been back to see her since the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse packed up and left town last Saturday night.
I’ve just patched my sole remaining pair of Frankenpants again and they’re in the washing machine. I wish I had an Extremely Gentle cycle on the washing machine – or the patience to hand wash them. I don’t. Six months into the new year and I’m still struggling with my goal to make exercise a habit. I still have to make things as simple as possible.
Yes, I’ve tried to purchase new ones. The Avenue doesn’t sell them unless it’s January (because fatties only want to work out after New Years). They’ve also lost my business because they no longer carry “the bigger sizes” in their stores. I would probably forsake that rule if it wasn’t for the aforementioned January thing. Other stores in my area don’t carry my size. Catherine’s only carries cotton and/or terry blends that will do nothing but give me friction sores.
I thought I found a great resource for plus sized workout gear when I found Junonia.com. After shipping, it was $70 for one pair of workout pants…and they never came. Junonia kept updating the shipping date further out. Two weeks later, I called and asked what was going on and they told me that my pants would ship in June. Maybe. I cancelled the order. I’m sure they were disappointed, as it seems they had their entire sweatshop working on my big ass pants.
Likewise, Penningtons seems like a good source – but every time I try to order, there’s a problem with their website. I suck at calling customer service lines to order shit. I’m usually doing about 13 things at once and I can’t seem to stand still and order pants on the phone. I’m going to give it one more shot and then it’s the “three strikes and you’re out” rule. Until then, I continue to patch the Frankenpants.
Slowly, I’m moving forward. I am becoming the master of steering around my own bullshit. If I had to work out in a tube top and a sailor hat, I’d still do it – because, damn it, I’m not going to be the victim of my own excuses anymore.
If you’d told me a year ago that I would belong to a gym right now, I would have laughed one of my four asses off. 2013 seems to be on a mission to humble me in every way possible. But it’s okay…because it’s a lesson that I obviously need to learn or I wouldn’t be here.
I thought this year was just about making a habit, but it turns out that it’s about my own self-acceptance. I thought I might have a hard time for a few weeks, but I’d light a fire under my own ass and get going. That’s not what’s happened. Instead, the demons in my head have risen together and danced a jig all over my plans…but still I move forward. Slowly. The demons are screaming and resisting, but they’re going down all the same. I will grab them by the hair and drag them across the finish line if I have to.
When it comes down to it, though, I have faith. I can feel it deep down inside me. It’s the voice in my head that tells me I can handle one more minute on the elliptical…that I can sew the Frankenpants one more time…that, yes, someday I’m going to ride a rollercoaster with Hot Mess Hubby again. I love that voice. And sometimes, when I have a bad day and I can’t hear it over all the bullshit going on in life, I get home and hear it coming from Hot Mess Hubby or see it in the comments you leave me here on the blog or on my Facebook page.
Yes, you can, HMP…yes, you can.
And you can too. I have faith.
Peeps!
If you’re a regular participant on my Facebook fan page, you probably remember a day not too long ago when a Hot Mess Princess fan named Sarah thrilled us all with the news that she’d finally hit the 100 pounds lost milestone. Badass!
Many of us had a lot of fun patting Sarah on the back that day. It was like a ticker-tape parade on my Facebook fan page. With unicorns…and rainbows…and free kittens for everyone. Whenever one of my readers has a big announcement like that, I always try to share it because I know the power of the almighty “atta-girl”. I’m betting you do too. That moment when you know you’ve kicked major ass and you shout it to the heavens and share it with everyone you know…and everyone you know is happy and excited for you.
Yeah, that moment.
I’ve had a few. I’m sure you have too. We will all have them again…and again…as long as we keep pushing forward.
In a moment of pure genius (I don’t like to brag, but…) I got in touch with Sarah and asked if she would let me interview her for my blog. I’m a big believer in the fact that we all have to stick together. We have to lift each other up. In my case, that’ll take about five of you…but we all need a little help once in a while.
Seriously, though, we can do this. We can do this. Each and every one of us. And we don’t need special pills or diets. We don’t need to shake special crap on our food or buy thigh-master, butt-blaster exercise gadgets or start on a Monday. We need persistence and patience. We need to be as gentle and loving with ourselves as we are with our best friends. We need to realize that there is no quick fix that’s going to get us healthy…and we need to know in our hearts that we are worth all this trouble.
Sarah’s success is walk’in talk’in evidence of what is waiting for each of us just a little farther down the road. All we have to do is persevere one more second, one more minute, one more hour…one baby step at a time. So have faith in yourself, grab a cuppa, and read on.
HMP: How much have you lost?
Sarah: I’ve lost 104 lbs!!!
HMP: Wow…congrats! How long did that take you?
Sarah: I started seriously trying to lose weight right before Thanksgiving in 2011. So close to a year and a half.
HMP: Are you at your goal weight?
Sarah: I wish! lol. I still have another 82lbs to go.
HMP: What was the hard part of the process?
Sarah: Staying focused, keeping my sweet tooth in check, and learning to check my emotions.
HMP: What are your daily challenges and how do keep them under control?
Sarah: I still struggle controlling my eating habits. I have a bad habit of being an emotional eater. I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) It impacts my life greatly. It can cause me to be very emotional and eat without thinking. To keep my emotional eating under control when I reach for food, healthy or not, I ask myself what are you feeling right now? I will sometimes write down my feelings so I can see I’m not hungry I’m dealing with this other issue. Whether its feeling depressed because something triggered me or anxious. I made a plan to work past my emotional eating and work on my mental well-being as well.
HMP: What was your proudest non-scale victory?
Sarah: When I could look at myself in the mirror naked. I know – gross, right? But when I was at my heaviest I couldn’t look at myself without wanting to cry. I was 326 pounds. I would turn my back to the mirror when getting ready to shower. Now I can look at myself and see the changes that are happening.
HMP: Do you have a support system at home?
Sarah: I have my two best friends. One close by and another a few hours away, they both keep me going when I struggle. Michelle walks with me and celebrates my victories no matter if it’s one pound or ten pounds. Andrew sends me supportive messages and reminds me only I can make the choice to change my body.
HMP: What is the hardest part of an average day for you…and why?
Sarah: When I’m winding down for the night, there is nothing I like more than ice cream before bed. I know have it once a month when I go out with Michelle. we walk for two hours then I get a small cone.
HMP: Ice cream, huh? We may be related. Did you ever back slide and gain weight back?
Sarah: I’ve gained back here and there. The most I’ve put back on was 10 lbs.
HMP: What did you do about it when you gained it back?
Sarah: To be honest at first I cried. I was distraught. Then I realize I made the choices that lead to me gaining the weight back. I worked hard to get it off and if I want to keep it off I had to keep working at it.
HMP: How is your life different now from the life you had at your top weight?
Sarah: I have more energy. I’m happier. I’m working toward being self-confident. I eat more fruits and veggies. I cut out soda all together. I don’t snack on a bag of peanut butter cups a few times a week.
HMP: What is your next goal? How will you get there?
Sarah: My next goal is to be at or under 200lbs by the start of the New Year. I’ve started some light weight training coupled with lots of cardio. My cardio includes walking and dancing like an idiot with my kids (best cardio ever!)
HMP: What is the one piece of wisdom you think your fellow Hot Mess’ers should take away from this article?
Sarah: That everyone has struggles. Everyone has highs and low. No one can change your body but you!
HMP: Is there anything else…any really great tidbit of advice that you’d like to share?
Sarah: Don’t change your body to be skinny. Change to be healthy. Don’t change for someone else. This journey is all about you! Taking care of you! Loving you! You’re not dieting, you’re making a life style change. Don’t deny yourself the one brownie you would really like to eat. Moderation is the key. Eat a brownie, not the pan. The road is different for all of us but we are all united to change our way of living so we can enjoy life to the fullest!! Whether you want to lose the last 5 lbs or have just begun your journey, know that you have taken the first step (and kicked its ass) by deciding its time to work on you. Again this is YOUR journey. I will cheer you on in spirit the whole way! Keep up the hard work!
I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone (except maybe that bunghole from Abercrombie & Fitch, but more on that later) when I say congratulations, Sarah…your success and bad-assedry are an inspiration to us all.
Let’s have a group hug with Sarah in the middle. She deserves it – and the rest of us could probably use a good squeeze as well. Comment here to post messages of praise and awe for Sarah…or questions. I’m sure she’d love to hear from her fellow Hot Mess’ers. Oh, and if you’re reading this via email, please note that if you reply to the email you’re reading it does not post here to the blog. Please click through to the blog and post a comment so Sarah hears you loud and clear.
