I’m Still Here! Promise!!!


Very quickly…I’m still here. I keep trying to write a blog post and I keep failing. All is well.

I actually lost 2 pounds last week, which was phenomenal in itself…but to do it within days of the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse…well, am I Wonder Woman or what?

The A/C has died here at the Hot Mess Household, which is a very costly repair. HMH and I have been scraping together the funds to replace it. I’m not above turning tricks behind Target at this point, but he won’t let me…the selfish ass wants me all to himself. My evenings after work have been very swampy. It sucks.

I’m also trying to find time to write the epic blog post that shows y’all the antics that occurred during the DFW Penis Expedition. These things take time.

So this is not my usual wordy post, but it’ll have to do…because I don’t want you to think I’ve been kidnapped by aliens or that I’m planning to rob the Little Debbie factory in search of sugary carbs. All is well…

Big loves!

Gearing Up for Goals!

Ever stick your toe in the water to see if it’s okay to get in? I feel like I’ve been doing that for the last nine months. Standing at the edge of the rest of my life…gingerly touching it with my toe to see if it’s safe.

I started 2013 with the goal of making exercise a habit. I’m not there yet. I’m closer now than I’ve ever been…but I’m not there yet and there are only a few months left in the year. I don’t want to get to 2014 and have to say that I failed.

I’m sure it’s not a shocker to those of you who read my blog regularly, but I can be a bit long-winded…and I tend to over think things. I’ve done a lot of over thinking this year while I’ve had my toe in the water. It’s funny because I’ve actually gotten better at not over thinking things…so I have to laugh when I think about how bad I must have been in the past. Not going back there again, folks.

I’ve decided to amp things up a bit for myself…and you’re welcome to join me. As you know, I’m a big fan of doing what works for you – so I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m going to tell you what I’m going to do for me…and if you read this blog regularly, you’ll know what a stretch this is…because I plan to hit myself with full blown shock & awe. Because that’s what I think I need right now.

First I should tell you what I’m not going to tell you: my secret goal. I have many goals I’ll share with you today, but there is one ultimate goal that I’m going to keep to myself for now. Whether I hit the goal or not, I’ll reveal it to you on New Years Eve 2013.

Second, I’ll tell you the rest of my goals. None of these goals are weight related. Purposely. They’re all to do with living healthy. And I’m breaking them down into manageable chunks. Here we go…

September Pre-Dwarfs Goal:

I have approximately 6 days left before the 7 Dwarves of the Menstrual Apocalypse hit me like a ton of bricks. (You’re welcome for the over-share.) I’ve been waffling back and forth on going to the gym for awhile and I’ve been sucking at it lately. Twenty minutes would be a challenge for me right now…so for the next 6 days, I’m going to do 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer. Every. Single. Day. Until the Dwarfs hit sometime around this Sunday. My legs are going to be so pissed at me tomorrow night.

Pre-Doctor Goal:

After my uterus has had its usual screaming hissy fit I have another 6 days or so before I have to see my doctor. I think I’ve only shared this on Facebook previously, but when he checked my blood sugar two months ago it was 105 and he wasn’t happy. That’s not diabetic, but it’s not normal either…and I want to lower it.

My appointment to have my blood sugar re-checked is October 10th. I have no idea how long it takes for dietary changes to show up in your blood sugar, but I would imagine I can make a dent in it between now and October 10th. At least I plan to give it my all. In the end, if there’s no change, it won’t be because I didn’t try. So, it pains me to say, effective tomorrow…I’m going low carb.

veggies - blog

Well…low carb for me. Honestly, the settings on My Fitness Pal tell me I can have no more than 70 carbs a day and I always go over that. I can hit a 1,400 calorie a day limit all day long but it seems all my favorite healthy foods have carbs in them…even apples.

My Pre-Doctor Goal is to not go over 70 carbs a day through October 10th. If I can handle it without going bat shit crazy, I’ll most likely lower it further. This is especially painful for me to declare as a goal today because when I was talking to HMH about it earlier I told him I wanted to have some ice cream since I won’t be having any for a long time…and it’s 8:30 pm as I write this and I haven’t even gone to the store. So farewell, ice cream! I won’t be having one last go with you. That’s probably for the best.

October 10th – November 14th Goal:

Why November 14th, you ask? Well…that’s my birthday. And HMH’s birthday. And our 10th wedding anniversary. Yep. We got it all done in one day…we’re efficient like that.

By the time I get to November 14th, I want to be doing an HOUR on the elliptical.

Sweet Lord Jesus, help me…that sounds awfully ambitious from where I sit today. Nevertheless, I’m going for it. It’ll be my birthday present to myself.

November 15th – Christmas Day Goal:

I want to drop a size by Christmas. Sure that sounds attainable, but when you’re a size 32 and you live in a land of elastic waistbands…it’s harder than you think. It takes a much more significant amount of weight to lose before you notice in pants that are this fat.

I also want to continue on with that hour on the elliptical…and maybe more. I want at least 60 minutes to be a habit. 6 days a week.

And my New Years Eve Goal…

That’s the secret. I’ll tell you on New Years Eve whether I succeeded or failed. For right now, that one’s just for me.

door - blog

So my challenge to you is…what’s a challenge to you? To be honest, the goals that I’ve set for myself here are fairly intimidating to me – even the 30 minutes on the elliptical for the next 6 days. Sure, in my head I know I can do it, but I also know I’m going to feel pain. And I hate pain. I hate it.

Sit down for a few minutes and figure out a challenge that will really mean something to you…and post here to declare it to the world (or at least the Hot Mess world). For now, just pick one for next week. What’s going to challenge you?

I’m going to challenge myself to 6 days of elliptical madness…and if I do it, I’m going to treat myself to a pedicure on Saturday.

What are you going to do and how are you going to reward yourself? Tell me!

Reebok Thumblock Wrist Weight (2-Pound Set) or Two 1lb. weights

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!

Hey, peeps!

Okay, I’ve done the extremely not hard work of clicking my mouse around on random.org and I have a couple of winner’s names for you!!!

Before I get to that part, let me just change the prizes around for a minute. Don’t have a heart attack…this is good, I promise. Originally I said I’d raffle off a Hot Mess BadAss necklace and a Keep Calm necklace…but I don’t want the winners to win something they won’t wear, so I’ve drawn the names of two winners and each will get to choose from either of these two necklaces:



Without further hoo-hah, here are the names of the lovely winners…


Here we go…..

Amy Kelley and Violet Narney Hooks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, if you will please email me with your shipping info I’ll package these right up and get them out to you. 🙂


Thank you all for participating in the raffle and for visiting my new Etsy shop! I should have the marbles necklaces in the shop by Sunday…I just have to drive the DFW penis with my bitches first. You know how it is. 🙂

Bling Bling Ring a Ding Ding!


Ever since HMH finally broke down the floodgates when it comes to my creativity, I’ve been very crafty. Not only have I started writing fiction again for the first time in years, but I’ve gotten back to my needlework and I’m crafting jewelry as well. And then, of course, there’s the whole memo board from hell fiasco. Some of this is for me, some is meant to share with others…including the Hot Mess bling I’m offering in my new Etsy shop. To kick this off in style, I’m hosting a giveaway today!

First, I should tell you…don’t get too excited. My original Etsy grand opening was supposed to be much more grand. Miss Kirby has decided that this weekend should be all about her, however, and I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend nursing a 120 pound Saint Bernard with a wound from a ruptured cyst. (Don’t worry…she’s healing fast and sassy as ever!)

Before I get to the juicy details of the Etsy shop, I have to share this with you. I saw the tutorial for this adorable bird’s nest ring a few weeks back and knew I had to make one for myself. I still have to mess with the way the bird’s nest is attached to the ring, but if I can perfect it then I’ll definitely put a few in the shop. If not, then this one is just for me. Don’t be jealous!


Back to the Bling Bling Ring a Ding Ding:

Just click here to get to my new Etsy shop, lovingly called Hot Mess Bling. There are just a few items in the shop right now, but as I mentioned you can thank Kirby for that when she gets a minute. She’s a little busy sucking up all the attention she can get and taking medication cleverly wrapped in sausages. #SpoiledRotten

For now, you can have your very own Hot Mess BadAss stamp to hang around your neck. Or, if the “Keep Calm and Carry On” posters are more your style you can sport the HMP version as well. Go check them out…I dare you!

Over the next few weeks, I’ll have more and more designs up in the shop – some blog related and some not – including this effing awesome necklace themed after my Motivation Marbles:


The exclusive HMP “Losing My Marbles” necklace will be available in three colors originally: pink, blue, and green – but if there’s a color I’m missing that you just have to have, comment here and let me know. I’ll get on it.

Which color will you choose?
Which color will you choose?

No, I haven’t forgotten the giveaway either! To celebrate the opening of my Etsy shop, I’m giving away one Hot Mess Bad Ass necklace and one Keep Calm necklace. There are two ways to enter:

1. Leave a comment here and tell me which necklace is your favorite.

2. For an extra chance to win, you can also FAVORITE my shop on Etsy (you must have a profile on Etsy to do this. It’s free and lets you buy cool handmade stuff, so go get one!) Once you FAVORITE my shop (click the ♥ button), comment here with your Etsy name so that I can confirm you favorited me. (To preserve your privacy, if your Etsy name is your real name feel free to leave your first name and last initial).

Maximum of two entries per person.

You have from now through Monday, September 16, 2013 at midnight CST to enter.

Winners will be chosen at random by random.org and will be announced by midnight CST Tuesday, September 17, 2013.

So get busy, peeps…the giveaway starts now!


How I Started to Control My Food

I have a long, long way to go in my own personal struggle with food and exercise…which is a little scary to say when I consider how far I’ve already come. Sometimes I wonder why I was given this particular challenge in life. Things would have been a lot more interesting if my biggest problem was what to do with my gorgeous long legs or how to keep my $800 million invested wisely. Fate is a bitch.

There was a time, however, when I didn’t care about controlling my food intake. I was lonely all the time. I had some really great girlfriends, but my heart was yearning for Hot Mess Hubby long before I ever met him. I hadn’t had many positive relationships with the men in my life and dating for a plus sized girl is a pretty horrific experience (at least for me it was), so instead of dealing with my problems I comforted myself with food from sunrise to sunset. I didn’t care. I didn’t even want to care.

fries - blog

Eventually, I changed my mind…so I did the thing I thought I was supposed to do: I made an appointment with a nutritionist. When I arrived at my appointment, I was greeted by friendly staff and escorted to a small office with lots of plastic models of healthy food. I don’t remember her name and I’m not exactly sure where she was originally from, but I’ll call her Dr. No English…because I could barely understand an effing word she said.

After 10 minutes of me awkwardly smiling and nodding as she droned on about something called “chee-ken” and “broke-holy”, she broke out a worksheet that looked like it had been repeatedly photocopied by someone with a bad case of the hiccups. I managed to figure out that she wanted me to write down what I typically ate in a day. As I wrote, she smiled and nodded at the paper – which I found strange because you wouldn’t expect a nutritionist to smile and nod affirmatively when a client says they eat a whole large Dominos pizza for dinner at night. But she did.

With painful awkwardness, we went over the worksheet. I used to drive thru McDonalds every morning on the way to work and get 2 cheese danish and a large Coke. Not Diet Coke. Regular Coke. That’s a ton of calories already and I felt like a total loser having to write it down.

Me: “I know, I know…I shouldn’t be eating at McDonald’s, right?”

Dr. No English (nodding & smiling): “With mod-er-ay-chun!”

Blank stare.

Next we went over my morning snack. I enjoyed a bag of Cheetohs and a Snickers to get the ol’ tum tum ready for lunch. And a can of regular Dr. Pepper. More smiling and nodding.

Back to McDonalds for lunch, where I usually had two hamburgers, a super size fries, and a large Coke. I mumbled something about too many calories.

Dr. No English: “Yes. Mod-er-ay-chun!”

At this point I’m wondering if I’m being punked.

Afternoon snack. More crap from the vending machine, followed by a dinner of the aforementioned whole pizza or greasy tacos. I figured it out once. I was eating almost 3,000 calories a day.

Dr. No English took the worksheet from my hand, smiled gleefully, and said “Can have! Can have taco. Can have pissa. Wit mod-er-ay-chun!”

Last straw.

Me: “Ma’am, do I look like the sort of person who knows the meaning of the word moderation?”

She laughed. Heartily, as if she thought I was joking, and then she said “No, you can do!”

I placated her for the rest of the time and left, knowing very well that I wouldn’t be back. I was rapidly approaching 300 pounds and scared to death. I lacked the ability for mod-er-ay-chun.

I decided to go to the one place that never failed me: the bookstore. Back then, the biggest bookstore around was about a quarter of the size of the average grocery store, but it was the best source of current information. And I found this book:

The Complete Book of Food Counts, 9th Edition: The Book That Counts It All

Well, not this edition…the stoneage edition. This was years ago. This book was the beginning for me. Desperate to control my unhealthy eating habits, I curled up on the couch with a pint of ice cream and a highlighter (I’m totally not shitting you) and started at the beginning.

As I made my way through the book, I highlighted every healthy food that I would eat. I ignored the bad foods. I completely skipped the “baked goods” section. I didn’t even glance at the “candy” chapter. I aimed for foods that were 30% fat or less per serving.

When I was done, I whipped out some paper and I made a list of all the “approved foods” I could eat. And then I went shopping.

carrots - blog

That’s not the end of it, there’s more to share but not today. I had other lists to make and other decisions to ponder. But these were the first baby steps I took that really made a difference to me.

Y’all know I’m fond of reminding you that you have to find your own path. This is the beginning of what worked and is working for me – and that’s why I’m sharing my experience with you here. I’ll probably set the record for the slowest person to ever hit their weight loss goal, but I don’t give a crap when it comes down to it.

What really matters is that I no longer find it acceptable to eat an entire large pizza in one sitting. In fact, I rarely eat pizza at all. I can’t remember the last time I was at a McDonalds. I deserve a medal for successfully avoiding the Little Debbie section at my local grocery store for nearly three years. So while the scale may not be moving quickly, I am still changing. Most importantly, I’m learning to give myself credit for the work it took to get me here.

Everyone has to start somewhere. This was it for me.

I’ll be back in a day or two to talk about the other two lists I made that weekend…and to announce the opening of my Etsy shop. I’m getting crafty again. Holy crap, I’m a busy girl…that’s why this blog post took so long.

I promise to be back in a couple of days. In the meantime, are there tips and tricks that work for you? Share them here and help your fellow hot messes. We’re all in this together.