In yo face!!!
Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls…today is a day that will live on in Hot Mess Princess history. I will look back on this day forevermore as a day of bad-assedry, wonderment and sweet mother fuck’in vengeance. Oh, yes, my friends…today is the day that I finally struck back at my arch nemesis, the Bag Boy from Hell.
If you follow me on Facebook, then you’re well aware that I’ve been curled up and cursing my uterus for the past 24 hours – so it’s already not a good time to mess with me, right? I had a brief window where there was no significant pain so I high-tailed it to the grocery store this afternoon. I knew I was running on borrowed time as far as the pain factor was concerned and the grocery store was wall-to-wall people. I was so focused on hauling ass through my list that I didn’t see the Bag Boy from Hell until it was too late.
“Hello, ma’am!!!” he greeted loudly as he started bagging my groceries.
“Hello,” I said under my breath. Seriously, I thought of all of you. I was trying to figure out a way to take his picture without being obvious. Then he picked up my carrots.
“OH! Carrots!!!” He bellowed it like a game show host. Even the cashier looked at him like he was nuts. And then it started.
Yes. Yes, he did. He started rapping…about carrots. Fuck. A. Duck.
“Mm…Bugs Bunny…Oh yeeeeeah! Bugs Bunny…he like carrots…uh….he like carrots…”
I shit you not.
And then it happened. I channeled all my energy and aimed the ire of my angry uterus right at his dumb ass. I raised my hand up to stop him and cupped my other hand around my ear as if I was listening for something.
“Uh oh!!! Do you hear that?” I asked with a very serious expression.
He stopped and listened with me.
And then I got him. I grinned and said, “Tupac just rolled over in his grave.”
BOOM!
The cashier cried out “Ohhhh, SNAP!!!” and cracked up. He stood there with my bag of potatoes in his hand, not really sure what just happened. I took the potatoes away from him and smiled. Then I held my head high and pushed my grocery cart of victory out the damn door!
BOO-YAH!!!
It was really hard not to get all cocky and yell out “Bust a cap in yo ass!” but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. There is such a thing as going too far. Maybe he learned a little about that today.
Victory for the fat peeps today, my friends. Victory for the fat peeps.
Fo shizzle.
Hot Mess Bad Ass lined journal
The Path: Someone Else’s Legs
This morning I got up and sat around the house for a while, not really motivated to do anything in particular. Do you ever get so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things on your “to do” list that you end up just sitting in the living room and staring at the wall? That’s what happens to me…and I hate it.
The 5K training schedule I’m following says I need to do 35 – 60 minutes of walking today. Wasn’t motivated to do that either. Knew I would regret it if I flaked. Still didn’t want to do it. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch “Friends” reruns with the dogs. Instead, I decided to ask all the Hot Mess fans on Facebook to vote if I should turn right or left when I got to the path behind our house. The results? Right.
I really wasn’t motivated in any way to walk today. The only thing that made me even think about it was knowing that I’m committed to walking the Buffalo Boogie 5K in May and that some of you will be there.
I don’t want to let you down.
Still, I sat here. Staring. And then my legs made me stand up…and they walked me out the door. My brain was still saying no, yet out the door I went…like I was propelled by someone else’s legs.
Storm clouds brewing over the path
The sky was gray and angry like my mood. I do this to myself every time I make myself exercise, but if I don’t make myself do it…I never will. I get angry. I get bitchy. I curse myself for not being born waifish and perfect like Keira Knightly or Gwyneth Paltrow – even though I know no one is actually perfect. I wish I could hide my imperfections from the world whenever I step out the door but my giant body screams for all the wrong kind of attention. And I’m angry at it. And I’m angry at myself for letting it happen.
It started raining. Immediately, I told myself that I should turn back and go home before it got worse. I love convenient excuses. Instead, I checked the weather app on my phone and saw that it was just an ugly sky and the rain would be fleeting.
Just like my crappy attitude. It’s only fleeting.
I feel like a floundering fitness noob with a pissy attitude…but I know in my heart that by the end of the year I’ll be a total badass. So as long as I realize the negativity is only temporary, the important thing is to keep pushing forward.
And so down the path I go…
Plus Sized A-holes
Peeps!
Before I get started, I have a couple of housekeeping items to tell you about:
First, it pains me to let you know that Google Reader will cease to exist on July 1, 2013. If you currently read my blog through Google Reader, you will be sorely disappointed on July 2nd when you can no longer get to Google Reader. But have no fear, there are tons of replacement services popping up – just type “Google Reader alternative” into any search engine if you don’t believe me. I read many, many blogs via Google Reader so I’ve already done my homework…and I’ve decided on Feedly. It behaves a lot like Google Reader and automatically imported all the blogs I follow, so I’m grateful for that. (I don’t get any kickbacks from them or anything, by the way. I’m just sharing my personal choice with you.)
Next, there’s a rumor going around in the blogosphere that Google Feedburner will also be kicked to the curb this year…and that’s what I use for my email subscribers. If you subscribe to my blog via email, I will eventually be changing services – but this shouldn’t affect you other than perhaps the email looking slightly different. Stay tuned!
Lastly, how’s your 5K training going? Are you ready to join me in the Homemade 5K? Anyone else in the DFW area planning to join me for the Buffalo Boogie 5K in Fort Worth on May 11th? Don’t forget to register!!
My pride suffered a setback earlier in the week – and I’ll tell you how, but I refuse to name the establishment where it happened, as it would be too close to giving them free advertising and I’ve resolved never to shop there again. I had to buy clothes for work, as I was wearing the same five outfits to work every week and it was getting a little embarrassing…so I ventured out to the “We Disrespect Fat People” store to spend some of my hard earned money.
An hour later, I stepped up to the counter with one top, two t-shirts, and two pairs of shoes. I’d hoped to get more, but there wasn’t anything else available.
Sales-bitch: Didn’t you want to get another top? They’re buy one, get one half off right now.
Me: I’d love to, but that’s the only top you have in my size.
She looked at me for a minute as if she thought I could grunt real hard and drop a size right there in the store, but when I just stared back at her she tilted her head at me, stuck out her lower lip, and said “Awww, I’m sorry…I just don’t have room for the really big stuff in this store – but we carry this size online.”
I had to fight the urge to throat punch her right there in front of her employee.
Me: Gee, that’s great, but it’s kind of hard to try shit on when you’re shopping on the internet.
She rang me up without further insult, but her employee sensed the tension and started flipping through the returns rack and presenting me with every hideous top in my size she could find. I wanted to retort “Thanks, but I prefer not to dress like a member of the Golden Girls!”
I was nice. It was hard.
I stood there absolutely pissed off beyond belief and fighting the urge to ask the sales-bitch why a plus sized clothing store that made my size would choose not to carry it in the store. I mean, if you’re going to be like that why don’t you stop carrying the smallest size in the store instead? Size 14′s have a lot more options than Size 30′s. Better yet, just cut back on the size 30 thongs and jeggings and stock some shit I can actually wear.
This store has always been my first choice when I have to go clothes shopping, but this incident is the last straw. The first straw was the time I walked in there looking for workout pants and was told they only carry them in January. ”You know…because of resolutions,” the genius behind the counter tells me.
Yeah…because fat people don’t want to get in shape any other time of year, right?
In a way, this is motivating to me to just work harder – but when I think of how many sizes I have to drop before I can shop in a regular store, that motivation goes away swiftly. I plan on writing their customer service people a super nice letter about my experience and let them know I’ll never spend another dime in their stores again…which means I’ll spend the rest of my fat days looking like a bloated, polyester covered tropical plant because the only brick & mortar store left is Catherine’s. Great.
Maybe I should learn how to sew. At this point, a bed sheet and a rope belt would be less humiliating than another trip to buy clothes.
Every time I think about it, I just close my eyes and imagine being at my goal weight and kicking that sales-bitch in the shins. Repeatedly.
Six Things I Didn’t Learn In School
...my first blog memeI’m participating in my first blog meme. If you’ve never heard of a blog meme, that’s okay – I’ll explain it to you like I’ve known about it this whole time when really I just learned about them last week. A blog meme (rhymes with “dream”) is a specific topic shared by one blogger that a bunch of other bloggers jump in on and write about on their blogs. According to the Blogger Code (it’s a real thing, don’t even look that shit up), each blogger links to the meme host’s blog and shares their post in the host blogger’s comments section. Clear as mud? Awesome!
I’m joining in on Momma Kat’s blog meme, which I think will be really good for my brain because this is only my first time doing this and her writing prompts were awesome. We had a choice of 5 topics and I chose “6 Things I Didn’t Learn in School”. So if you’re wondering where this topic came from, blame Momma Kat. Or hug her.
1. Math. (At least not in any way that made me walk away and say “I totally get this.”)
You younger Hot Messes won’t understand this, but I was in the age group of kidlets who were subjected to the war of New Math. As if that wasn’t jacked up enough, I was also in the age group when our country decided “Hey! We’re changing over to the metric system!” and then our country said “Screw that, no we’re not!!” and then half the country started bitch slapping the other half of the country while my 4th grade class stood there waiting for them to making up their effing minds. So basically I learned old math, New Math, the Imperial System, and the Metric System intermittently.
Plus I’m left-handed…but everyone was so busy fighting over old math, New Math, and changing over to the Metric System that they forgot to ask me what hand I use for stuff – so they let me write with my left hand, but taught me how to do everything else right handed. And because I was a totally awesome kid who never questioned authority, I forced my brain to accommodate all the lame-assedry going on around me. And that is why I write left-handed and do most everything else right-handed. It’s also why all math problems look like this to me:
2. Just because a boy is cute doesn’t mean he’s nice.
For some reason, I never learned this in school. Tommy Wilson, the cutest first grader in my class, totally pulled my hair every chance he got. I still thought he was awesome. In the 7th grade, Eric Franklin was nice to my face, but made fun of me behind my back because I was writing a science fiction novel when all the other girls were fighting over who was going to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Steven Keller, the high school hero/athlete/handsome hunk (whom I thought was absolute Heaven on a bun) spit on me in the hallway on my way to history class. I’ll never know why.
Meanwhile, one of the dorkiest guys in school – and quite possibly the nicest – had a serious crush on me. It wasn’t until after graduation when I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom reading my yearbook, when I read what he’d written: “I never had the guts to tell you this to your face, but you are one of the loveliest girls I’ve ever seen in my life…” It would take years of dating losers to realize that handsome isn’t as important as heart.
Hot Mess high school graduate
3. How to make people laugh.
I come from a long line of absolute dorks who will do just about anything to make people laugh. Thank God. My maternal grandmother wouldn’t hesitate to pop her teeth out at random people in K-Mart just to make us all crack up. My Mom, who is now well into her 80’s, can still burp the alphabet. The class factor is strong in my DNA, right? My family taught me that laughter is the cheapest kind of therapy you can get.
Just out for a casual ride on my new bike with my perfectly serious Uncle Lou
4. Being a grown-up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Remember being a kid? Remember wishing you were a grown up? Me too. There was a stream of firsts that lay before me and I couldn’t wait to get to them. First dance. First date. First kiss. First car. Unfortunately, there’s also first douchebag boyfriend. First speeding ticket. First serious medical scare. I never learned that being a grown-up wasn’t the totally awesome power trip I imagined it to be.
Thankfully, I’ve never completely grown up. I hope I never do. In fact, on a recent trip to visit my family I got in a riveting discussion with my 7 year old nephew about Harry Potter. The rest of the adults in my family were left shaking their heads and wondering what just happened.
Suck it, muggles!
5. How to relax.
Summers were hard times, my friends. Running in the sprinklers all day until our toes were all pruny. Laying in the sun to dry off. Oh, waiter, I’ll have Kool-Aid on the rocks with a twist.
Chill’in after a hard day in the sprinklers
6. How to dress fashionably.
Everything I know about fashion I learned from slumber parties. And Marcia Brady. I think I’ve made my point.
Yes, that’s me. With a bra on my head. #trendsetter
Rock’in the white go-go boots just like Marcia Brady!
What did you not learn in school?
5K Training. Hot Mess Style.
Peeps!
I’ve begun training for the Buffalo Boogie 5K, which is kind of exciting and a little terrifying – because while I doubt I’ll end up in the back of an ambulance like I did after my first 5K, there are still plenty of embarrassing things that could happen to me. I have that kind of luck. Like I can be totally normal one minute and then someone walks by and I trip on a hair – so if you’re in the DFW area and have committed to walking with me, you should probably wear some shin guards or some kind of protection just in case.
Regardless, you don’t need to wait for an organized 5K event in order to participate in one. In fact, I came up with this idea immediately after being humiliated in the 5K from Hell.
Are you afraid of the humiliation of coming in dead last? Are there no organized 5K’s in your area? Perhaps your budget is super tight and you can’t afford to plunk down $20 to enter one. There are a million reasons why entering an organized 5K may not appeal to you…but there’s no reason why you can’t make one of your own. That’s what I did…and that’s why I’m bringing back the Homemade 5K.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way. The only thing you need to get started…is you.
When I finally realized that diets, pills, and magic shakes weren’t going to lose this weight for me, what did I do? I paved my own way. I sat down and figured out what works for me and I did it…and I continue to do it. The Homemade 5K is that same attitude, but this time it’s about exercise.
A 5K is 3.1 miles. (3.10686 if you’re all fancy about it.)
Just because you don’t live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area doesn’t mean you can’t participate in this 5K with me. Some of you are already following the same training schedule. Why not top your training off with the Homemade 5K?
Here are a few suggestions for your route:
Your neighborhood sidewalk. If your car has a trip odometer, drive around your neighborhood until you get to 1.55 miles and make note of the location. That’s your halfway mark. Once you train for the 5K, simply walk to the halfway mark…and turn around and walk back home. Voila! Homemade 5K.
The running track at the local school. Call and find out if the track is open for your use after school hours and, if so, ask how many laps make a mile. Do the math and you’ve got a Homemade 5K.
Your living room. No, I’m not joking. Not everyone has access to parks – or lives in a neighborhood that’s safe to walk in. Using a tape measure or a pedometer, you can calculate how many times you need to lap your living room (or the entire house…mix it up) in order to walk a 5K. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Not into measuring? Do even the smallest calculations demotivate you? Fine. An average person can walk a 5K in about 45 minutes. If you’re super overweight, you should add a little time to that. (It took me just over an hour to walk the 5K from Hell.)
Oh…and it’s always a good idea to check with your doctor before starting something like this – so please use your head and your best judgment.
There are dozens of ways to personalize the Homemade 5K and make it something fun for you. What are you waiting for?
Every Saturday, I’ll post an update on my training – and I encourage you to do the same here on the blog in the comments. And when May 11th comes around, I’ll walk the Buffalo Boogie not only with those of you who are able to join me in Fort Worth, but with you Homemade 5K’ers as well. (In fact, I’m working on bib numbers for it – so stay tuned!) You’ll be invited to share pictures of you walking the Homemade 5K…and we’ll even have a raffle to celebrate when we’re done.
This isn’t something that’s going to end on May 11th, either. We’re going to keep the Homemade 5K alive and well for a long time. Who knows…maybe someday it’ll be the Homemade 10K, right? But first we have to start.
Last week, I walked for 15 minutes most days and then 1.5 miles yesterday. Today, I have a 30 minute walk on the training calendar. I’m following Hal Higdon’s 5K for Walkers training program. Don’t like that one? No problem…find one that does. The important thing is that you make this something that works for you…and then come back here and tell me about it.
Oh, and bloggers…listen up! You’ll notice an html button on my sidebar to the right. You can participate in the Homemade 5K by grabbing my button and pasting it into the sidebar on your own blog. Then participate along with us and be sure to let me know when you have the button up and you blog about how you’re doing!
The Homemade 5K is about making fitness work for us. If we don’t make it personal, how will we ever stick with it?
We got this.
So…have you starting training? Where will you make the Homemade 5K your own? Sound off here to get support and give your fellow Homemade 5K’ers a hand.
