Tag Archives: Bullshit

The Path: Someone Else’s Legs

This morning I got up and sat around the house for a while, not really motivated to do anything in particular. Do you ever get so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things on your “to do” list that you end up just sitting in the living room and staring at the wall?  That’s what happens to me…and I hate it.

The 5K training schedule I’m following says I need to do 35 – 60 minutes of walking today. Wasn’t motivated to do that either. Knew I would regret it if I flaked. Still didn’t want to do it. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch “Friends” reruns with the dogs. Instead, I decided to ask all the Hot Mess fans on Facebook to vote if I should turn right or left when I got to the path behind our house. The results?  Right.

I really wasn’t motivated in any way to walk today. The only thing that made me even think about it was knowing that I’m committed to walking the Buffalo Boogie 5K in May and that some of you will be there.

I don’t want to let you down.

Still, I sat here. Staring. And then my legs made me stand up…and they walked me out the door. My brain was still saying no, yet out the door I went…like I was propelled by someone else’s legs.

Storm clouds brewing over the path
Storm clouds brewing over the path















The sky was gray and angry like my mood. I do this to myself every time I make myself exercise, but if I don’t make myself do it…I never will. I get angry. I get bitchy. I curse myself for not being born waifish and perfect like Keira Knightly or Gwyneth Paltrow – even though I know no one is actually perfect. I wish I could hide my imperfections from the world whenever I step out the door but my giant body screams for all the wrong kind of attention. And I’m angry at it. And I’m angry at myself for letting it happen.

It started raining. Immediately, I told myself that I should turn back and go home before it got worse. I love convenient excuses. Instead, I checked the weather app on my phone and saw that it was just an ugly sky and the rain would be fleeting.

Just like my crappy attitude. It’s only fleeting.

I feel like a floundering fitness noob with a pissy attitude…but I know in my heart that by the end of the year I’ll be a total badass. So as long as I realize the negativity is only temporary, the important thing is to keep pushing forward.

And so down the path I go…

Plus Sized A-holes


Before I get started, I have a couple of housekeeping items to tell you about:

First, it pains me to let you know that Google Reader will cease to exist on July 1, 2013. If you currently read my blog through Google Reader, you will be sorely disappointed on July 2nd when you can no longer get to Google Reader. But have no fear, there are tons of replacement services popping up – just type “Google Reader alternative” into any search engine if you don’t believe me. I read many, many blogs via Google Reader so I’ve already done my homework…and I’ve decided on Feedly. It behaves a lot like Google Reader and automatically imported all the blogs I follow, so I’m grateful for that. (I don’t get any kickbacks from them or anything, by the way. I’m just sharing my personal choice with you.)

Next, there’s a rumor going around in the blogosphere that Google Feedburner will also be kicked to the curb this year…and that’s what I use for my email subscribers. If you subscribe to my blog via email, I will eventually be changing services – but this shouldn’t affect you other than perhaps the email looking slightly different. Stay tuned!

Lastly, how’s your 5K training going? Are you ready to join me in the Homemade 5K? Anyone else in the DFW area planning to join me for the Buffalo Boogie 5K in Fort Worth on May 11th? Don’t forget to register!!

Bad Ass Couch copy












My pride suffered a setback earlier in the week – and I’ll tell you how, but I refuse to name the establishment where it happened, as it would be too close to giving them free advertising and I’ve resolved never to shop there again. I had to buy clothes for work, as I was wearing the same five outfits to work every week and it was getting a little embarrassing…so I ventured out to the “We Disrespect Fat People” store to spend some of my hard earned money.

An hour later, I stepped up to the counter with one top, two t-shirts, and two pairs of shoes. I’d hoped to get more, but there wasn’t anything else available.

Sales-bitch: Didn’t you want to get another top? They’re buy one, get one half off right now.

Me: I’d love to, but that’s the only top you have in my size.

She looked at me for a minute as if she thought I could grunt real hard and drop a size right there in the store, but when I just stared back at her she tilted her head at me, stuck out her lower lip, and said “Awww, I’m sorry…I just don’t have room for the really big stuff in this store – but we carry this size online.”

I had to fight the urge to throat punch her right there in front of her employee.

Me: Gee, that’s great, but it’s kind of hard to try shit on when you’re shopping on the internet.

255-420323She rang me up without further insult, but her employee sensed the tension and started flipping through the returns rack and presenting me with every hideous top in my size she could find. I wanted to retort “Thanks, but I prefer not to dress like a member of the Golden Girls!”

I was nice. It was hard.

I stood there absolutely pissed off beyond belief and fighting the urge to ask the sales-bitch why a plus sized clothing store that made my size would choose not to carry it in the store. I mean, if you’re going to be like that why don’t you stop carrying the smallest size in the store instead? Size 14’s have a lot more options than Size 30’s. Better yet, just cut back on the size 30 thongs and jeggings and stock some shit I can actually wear.

This store has always been my first choice when I have to go clothes shopping, but this incident is the last straw. The first straw was the time I walked in there looking for workout pants and was told they only carry them in January.  “You know…because of resolutions,” the genius behind the counter tells me.

Yeah…because fat people don’t want to get in shape any other time of year, right? 

In a way, this is motivating to me to just work harder – but when I think of how many sizes I have to drop before I can shop in a regular store, that motivation goes away swiftly. I plan on writing their customer service people a super nice letter about my experience and let them know I’ll never spend another dime in their stores again…which means I’ll spend the rest of my fat days looking like a bloated, polyester covered tropical plant because the only brick & mortar store left is Catherine’s. Great.

Maybe I should learn how to sew. At this point, a bed sheet and a rope belt would be less humiliating than another trip to buy clothes.

Every time I think about it, I just close my eyes and imagine being at my goal weight and kicking that sales-bitch in the shins. Repeatedly.

5K training has started!


5K training has begun.

Yesterday, I promised that I would share the training program I’m following today…and that I would also share how those of you who aren’t in the DFW area can also participate.  I can deliver on 75% of that.  Lemme ‘splain…

First, I’m following Hal Higdon’s 5K for Walkers program.  You may ask why I’m not following Couch to 5K and it’s simply psychology on my part. See, Couch to 5K is ultimately designed to get you running. I look forward to that someday, but I’m over 300 pounds and my feet hate me. I won’t be running for a while.

Understand, I’m not being a slacker…even when I weighed 125 pounds I was a regular in the podiatrist’s office. My feet really do hate me. I was always bandaged up or going for physical therapy. Two foot surgeries and multiple stress fractures later, I’ve learned to be realistic about what I can put my feet through at this weight – because if there’s one thing that sucks, it’s getting yourself all motivated and ending up in a stress fracture boot for 8 weeks.  That shit ain’t fun.

So the psychology of it all? If I was a grown-up, I could read Couch to 5K and just substitute the word “run” for “walk”…but that’s not what happens in my head.  What happens in my head is something like this:

Everyone else is running and you’re walking. You can’t run because you’re too fat. What if you never beat this? You never should have let yourself get this big. Who does this? You’re ridiculous. You’ll never run. You’re a failure.

Welcome to my evil twin, ladies and gentlemen…that’s what will be going on in my head if I do the grown-up thing and try to just overlook the word run. I don’t give myself any credit for trying. I’m horrible to myself. So to keep that from happening, I do what I have to in order to avoid those destructive voices in my head…and I keep pushing forward.

I’ll do whatever it takes to keep that crap silent. Determination is what’s most important to me.


I’ll be posting my daily walking goal on my Facebook fan page every day, so if you want to follow along please do! I’ll also be blogging quite a bit about it here…you know I won’t shut up about it.

So for those of you who don’t live in the DFW area and can’t walk the Buffalo Boogie with us, don’t fret…you can train with us! And that’s not all…there is actually one more announcement I have to make this week, but I’m not ready to do it tonight – so stay tuned.

I’ll hurry it up as fast as I can. I should have it out by Wednesday night.

For now, you’ve got the link to the training program I’m using…and I’ll be back soon with the re-birth of a pretty damn cool project I launched a while back. You’re gonna love it!

Did you start training today?

The Path

Sometimes I forget to be grateful for what I have. There are days when it feels like I’m in constant battle against “the grass is always greener syndrome”. Someone’s always luckier than me, prettier than me, has more money than me. Thinner than me.  Hell, that’s most of the world.

I’m ashamed of how often I forget to be grateful. I’m luckier than so many others.

Remember back in the day when Oprah had her “Ah-hah!” moment and finally lost all her weight?  I remember sitting in a restaurant with one of my girlfriends talk’in shit about poor Oprah. While we chomped on what was easily a day’s worth of calories, we lamented about how easy it would be lose our weight if we had Oprah’s enormous wealth.

“Yeah, if I could afford to hire someone to follow me around all day I’d hit my goal weight too,” my friend said. “She has a personal chef, a personal trainer, a personal assistant…she doesn’t have to do shit for herself.”

Our solution to the problem?  Order dessert…because we poor girls, who had to work for a living and struggled so unfairly to lose weight, deserved it.  We weren’t really struggling though.  Well, I can only speak for me.  I started all my diets on Monday back then, after a “last night on earth” eating binge on Sunday night.  By Thursday night I was usually so starved and bored that I was calling for pizza delivery.  For years, I did the same thing over and over again, failing every time and then whined to myself about it over a pint of mint chip while I watched The Biggest Loser.

It wasn’t until just over a year ago, when I was on the verge of lap band surgery, that I realized the bulk of my struggle was a bunch of bullshit that I was feeding myself.  Well, the diet industry was feeding it to me as well – but I was the one swallowing it.  Just weeks before my planned lap band surgery, I decided to experiment with a sort of imaginary lap band…and I found something unexpected:  gratitude.

My imaginary lap band experiment opened my eyes. I didn’t miss all the processed crap I had been eating when I went without it.  Instead, I missed the healthy foods that I enjoy cooking for myself.  It surprised me quite a bit…and was the catalyst that caused me to cancel my surgery and do this on my own.

Here we are again, just over a year later, with my food demons in check…and now I’m going after exercise.  Just a few weeks into the process of making exercise a consistent habit, I’m putting an enormous amount of thought into every aspect of it. Why do I hate it?  What do I hate about it?  How can I change that?  What roadblocks are in my way?  How do I get rid of them?  This may seem like a lot of over thinking to some of you, but this is exactly what I did with health eating last year and it worked like a charm.  Examine every rock, every stone, every pebble.

This year it’s not my healthy, delicious recipes I’m grateful for.  Well, I’m still grateful for all that.  With my focus on exercise this year, my relentless over thinking is making me grateful for the fact that I already have everything I need in order to move more.  I hate gyms – but I’m grateful for the treadmill in my bedroom that makes gym memberships unnecessary.  I’ve always had foot problems that can create issues for me, even when I was thin…but I have strong legs and no serious handicaps that keep me from exercising consistently.

And then there’s the path…

The path to victory
The path to victory















This is the entrance to a 6.10 mile long bike/walking trail in my neighborhood. I only have to walk two neighborhood streets behind my house to get here. The trail connects to other parks with other walking trails as well, providing just over 20 miles of room for me to stretch my legs.  If I turn right, I’ll hit the dog park and a few other parks and trails.  The bulk of the trail lies to my left.  I have no idea what’s down there…but I plan to find out.

This post is the beginning of a series of blog posts I’ll be making as I discover what waits for me on the path ahead…on this trail and in my head as I try to fight some pretty serious mental demons about exercise.  Four weeks into my new challenge of making exercise a consistent habit and I’m still resisting myself at every turn.

That’s fine.  If that’s how my subconscious wants to play it, I can’t control it – but I can control what I do about it.  So I will use the legs that I’m so grateful for to propel me down the path ahead whether my subconscious likes it or not…just like I made myself stand in the kitchen last year and actually cook instead of hitting the drive-thru.  At first it was hard, but I avoided fad diets and absolute thinking.  Gentle persistence turned into willingness…which turned into habit…and before I knew it my whole way of thinking about food was changed for good.

As I write this and I think about the fact that I’m going to go down this path whether I want to or not, I’m afraid.  I know it isn’t real fear.  There’s nothing to be afraid of down this path.  (Well, at least not until spring when the bugs come back.) But, as I’ll explain in more detail later, there are mental demons at the heart of this that I haven’t confronted in over 20 years.  When I think about the crap I’m going to have to claw through this year in order to change my life, last year seems like a total breeze.

It doesn’t matter in the end.  It has to be done…because I want it done.  I may not be particularly courageous, but I am stubborn.

And so down the path I go…

Ready or not, here I come...
Ready or not, here I come…



Fitocracy: Too Much, Too Soon

Hey y’all!

As I announced on my Facebook fan page recently, I am going inactive on Fitocracy.  Here’s why…

Although a worthwhile and arguably kick-ass idea, Fitocracy appears to be 90% iron pumping triathlon winning fitness ninjas and 10% fitness newbies.  I may revisit my decision in the future, but after careful consideration and a few experiences that made me shake my head…I’m done for now.  To those of you who followed me there and enthusiastically participated in our group challenges, I wholeheartedly apologize if I have disappointed you.  I love you all dearly and I truly appreciate your support as I go through this process of attaining the healthy lifestyle I’m striving for.

Please allow me to offer the following evidence as I state my case…

Exhibit A:  Naked people.  While impressive, keep your naked ass off my computer – especially if I’m cruising for quests and challenges at work.  People do post naked pictures of their expertly, if not overly sculpted physiques.  I’m just not into that.  At all.

Exhibit B:  Fitocrats hitting on Fitocrats.  Ya know…I’d go to the gym if I wanted to see that.  Save the “Let’s get together for a romantic dinner of Muscle Milk” for someplace where the rest of us don’t have to watch.

Exhibit C:  Speaking in tongues.  You know that feeling when you take your car to the mechanic and they check it out, then walk up to you with what looks like a grease covered apple wedger and say “Your squinky squank’s got malnagging boogle parts in it and they’ve all gotta be replaced”?   You just stand there and blink, wondering what the hell they just said, right?  Check out this actual update that showed up on my feed one day:

This has been driving me crazy all day. I read a t-nation post about avoiding Britany Spears syndrome, thick waist from isolating abs and obliques all day every day. He recommends a female, wanting to lose weight, carb cycle with a (c/p/f) 60/30/10, 10/30/60 split with high fat days are lifting days (ish) and the carb day is a rest day (4 day cycle). I have been doing a lean gains recomp for 6 weeks and have had good results. I want to start a cut but now I’m questioning my macros. 

I must have read it 5 times, all the while wondering to myself how many Power Bars a person has to eat to get that jacked up.  I can’t relate.  I don’t want to relate.  I don’t want to live in a world where “Britany Spears Syndrome” is a real affliction…so piss off!

Further, very soon after I became a “Fitocracy Hero” (thanks to all of you joining me there and winning me that extra badge) I was sorry to see several seasoned members posting whining about the fact that so many new people would be joining at the start of the new year…which was made even worse because Dr. Oz had decided to endorse Fitocracy.  There was a lot of snobbery and eye-rolling going on at the prospect of having to deal with new members – something I thought was kind of shitty, for lack of a better term.

I don’t begrudge the Fitocrats their place on the internet and I completely applaud them for doing what they love to do, but I have to be around people I can relate to…and I can’t relate to them.  I’m sorry if you’re disappointed…and I hope you forgive me.  If it helps, I’m mentally wishing each of you to win a million hundred dollars and a lap dance from Hugh Jackman.

I’ll be back by Sunday to tell you all about The Path.  I hope that sounds mysteriously awesome…because it’s supposed to.

Much love…