Tag Archives: guilt trip

Don’t Make Me Blog About This…

Battle of the Butt, Get Real!, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Alright, that’s it!  I need to vent.  Today we’re going to talk about a subject that really gets under my skin: douche baggery. Specifically, judgmental douche baggery aimed at fat people.

First, who’s got a smartphone? I’m betting some of you do. And I’m betting that some of you have those little “invisible shield” screen protectors on them. Am I right? For those of you who don’t have smart phones or are Amish (just kidd’in!), let me just explain that smart phone screens are glass…and very smooth. If you’re not super careful with your phone, it’s likely that the screen will come in contact with something in your handbag like your keys…or your switchblade (I’m not judging)  that will scratch that screen. Once that happens, tweeting things like “OMG this chick is totally farting her brains out!” from the ladies room at the mall can become a real chore. After the screen gets a good scratch, thumb typing just sucks.

I would think there are many smartphone users who know exactly what I’m talking about. (About the screen protector, not the chick in the bathroom). Further, one could assume that someone in the technology field would especially know about these…couldn’t one? Oh, yes, I think one could. So imagine my surprise when a techno-geek I don’t know very well asked to have a look at my phone and the following conversation ensued:

Geek: “Is that a Droid? Can I see it for a minute?? “

Me: “Um…suuuure…”

Geek: “Everyone I know has iPhones, including me, and I need to see how the operating sys-“

The Geek stops suddenly as she’s swiping her finger along my screen protector.

Geek: “Eeew! You’ve been eating candy again. It’s all sticky.”

Blink.

Stare.

Blink again.

WHAT????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First, I’m going to TRY to ignore the fact that a person who works in technology and is responsible for developing apps for smart phones has apparently never seen a screen protector before. These screen protectors make the glass surface less slick – but they’re not sticky. I’m quite persnickety about that kind of thing. PLUS, I keep my phone sparkly clean!

Second, “You’ve been eating candy…” is ridiculous. This chick has never seen me eat candy – I guarantee that!!  In fact, I don’t think she’s ever seen me eat!  She hardly knows me! The fact that she slapped “again” in there made me steam’in mad. It was all I could do not to fling my phone at her like a ninja star. 

THWACK!!! 

I know what you’re thinking:  “Dianne, you knew this person before you decided to give up sugar and eat healthy. Tell us how you can be so absolutely sure she’s never seen you shoving Twix bars down your throat while you were stopped at an intersection?”

Well…I’m glad you asked that question – and the reason is simple:

Because of the Code.

Specifically, the Code we emotional eating Twinkie guzzlers live by. One of our commandments is Thou shalt not be seen eating high calorie foods in public, lest some nosy ass-munch ask you “uh oh, what happened to your diet”?

Let me explain.  When I was practicing the fine art of eating whatever I wanted and pretending not to care, I had a sure-fire strategy for making sure I was never seen with a candy bar or a pack of Ho Ho’s. In fact, I’ve lost track of how many times someone has said to me “How do you have a weight problem when I never see you eat?”  This fatty’s got skillz, yo.

For example, when I wanted a bag of chips or a candy bar at work, I would always buy from a vending machine that wasn’t on my floor. I figured it decreased the likelihood that I would run into a co-worker. I would also make a point to visit the vending machine only once a day. That may sound like I was trying to curb a bad habit, but don’t give me too much credit. I just didn’t want to have to walk back down there in the afternoon!  So I would just take $5 with me and stock up for the day. Yep!  I was that lazy.  I was also concerned about the embarrassment of being seen taking a couple bags of chips, three candy bars, and a pack of donuts back to my desk.

Of course, choosing not to buy 2,000 calories worth of crap to snack on would have been the logical choice.  Instead of common sense, I opted to take a brown paper Starbucks bag (the kind with the rope handles) on my morning trip to the vending machine. Then I’d load up and carry my crap back to my desk in the Starbucks bag, looking like a chubby hipster with a scone instead of the out of control mini donut guzzler I was. I would then dump my partially hydrogenated loot in a drawer and file the Starbucks bag away for the next day. As the day rolled by, I would hide whatever I was eating under a file folder.

So you see…I was quite skilled in keeping the wool pulled over people’s eyes. Combine that with the fact that I barely know this person and rarely see her and, well…I know she’s full of a crap.    I can’t say I’m that surprised, as her social skills have always been somewhat lacking.  

Whether the scale says 338 or 155 or something in between, I will never understand the judgments that get slapped on overweight people. “You’ve been eating candy again”….really? What are you basing this assumption on, Haggy Pants? Ugh!

I was briefly tempted to turn the judgmental tables on her. She has pretty bad skin (no doubt some kind of karma for her shitty attitude towards people). I desperately wanted to hurl back “Put down the meth pipe, honey…maybe THAT’S why your fingers are so sticky!”.  I did not, however.  Instead, I explained to her what an effing screen protector was.  Only then did she see the edges of it against the glass.   

This reminds me of the last time I walked into Victoria’s Secret, on a mission to pick up something a friend had on hold.  There was a sales-bimbo at the front the store arranging panties in a drawer, so I approached her for help.  She took one look at me and said “The big stuff’s in the back”.

Ugh!!!!  I vaguely remember saying something about “Thanks, but I don’t think they have any plus sized butt floss for girls like me.”  Seriously, I was eighteen hundred sizes too big for the biggest thong they had in stock.  Gimme a break!

Mmmhmm.  Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me…and the mug I bought myself when I hit the 40 pound weight loss mark. Yay!

You’re So Helpful…Bless Your Heart

Battle of the Butt, , , , , , ,

Today is the 26th day I’ve gone without sugar. 🙂 I’m feel’in kinda good about that! My DNA is hard coded with pure cane sugar, so this is quite a feat for me. In fact, in over 20 years of battling my issues with body image and weight, I’ve never been able to do it before. Yay me!

Have you ever easily succeeded at something you thought was going to be extremely difficult and it makes you…suspicious? Okay, I’m not seriously suspicious, but hear me out. I mean, except for day 9 when I nearly put the Playstation 3 controller in the microwave because the hubby’s crack was showing as he sat on his “sniper perch” on the ottoman, I haven’t really had too hard of a time with this. Oh, I get cravings…but so far I’ve been able to manage them fairly well. It’s just that I don’t have the best luck in the world. So naturally, every once in a while the sick idea pops in my head that the Mayans were dead on in their predictions and the entire universe will come to an end just as I hit my goal weight. Shit.

No, no, no. I don’t care what the movie says…2012 is my year!

I’ve spent most of the last year and a half trying to figure out what works best for me. For example, I know that I’m not successful by blindly following anyone else’s plan. It doesn’t work for me. I hate gyms. I can’t stand those perky gym people. And I hate feeling like I have to constantly talk to someone about my progress and my goals. I want to talk about it when I want to talk about it and I don’t when I don’t. And I don’t want it to define me to the people I care about. As I go through this, I’m getting more and more in touch with what I like (and don’t like) about my own weight loss process.

Have you ever declared to the world that you’re done with the junk? You’re eating healthy. You’re working out. It’s a healthy lifestyle for you! Have you ever done that and then suddenly everyone in your life turns into an effing fitness expert? I hate that!!!

My wish for all of my fellow chubbies out there is that they be surrounded by friends and loved ones who support them and shut the hell up. Seriously. Just hug us and move along.

Perhaps I should clarify that when I say I gave up sugar, I mean sweets. I gave up cheesecake, ice cream, desserts, and anything that resembles a “snack cake”. These are the things that give me an emotional high when I eat them. So when I say I gave up sugar, I don’t mean that I’m buying that bread that’s the consistency of plywood. Sure, I buy whole grain bread and stay away from white sugar and flour in anything – but I don’t get all freaked out if I see sugar on the label for something. My goal is to cut out foods that give me emotional satisfaction, not to obsess over a single ingredient.

Recently, I was enjoying something that had sugar in it when someone walked by and “caught” me. He literally pointed at what I was eating and cried “That has sugar in it!!” He was almost joyful about it. My annoyance level skyrocketed and I was immediately overcome with the urge to swing my purse at the side of his head.

Thanks, dude. Thanks for making me feel like a child. Thanks for being gleeful that you “caught” me at something. Way to be a champion of love & support. Thanks for acting like a shit head.

Years ago, one of my siblings would ask “How’s your weight going?” within 5 minutes of the start of any conversation. Finally, I started answering “Fine, how’s yours?” Amazing how quickly it stopped. 🙂

It amazes me how “helpful” people think they are and I wonder…if they had to spend even one day in one of those “fat suits” that takes them from a size 5 to a size 30…how long would it take them to realize they didn’t much like being evaluated by their size? How long before they realized they’re being constantly tried and convicted by people who have never had to carry around even half that much weight? How long before they understand that it’s better to reach out with love and support instead of the need to be teach us all a lesson…if there’s even a lesson to be learned from their lack of compassion and manners.

It’s taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I can examine things for myself and decide what’s best for me without being swayed by those around me. With all my heart, I sincerely encourage everyone who’s trying to lose weight (whether it’s 5 pounds or 500) to listen to their own gut instinct. I succeed when I listen to my gut. I fail when I start following other people’s routes and not my own. I fail when I let other people get in my head. If I stick to my own road and keep to my own agenda…I succeed. It may take me a little longer than other people think it should take…and I may be doing it the “wrong” way, but it’s the only way for me.

So do your own thing, my friends. Walk your own walk, talk your own talk. If anyone tells you you’re doing it wrong or going too slow, just remember this:

No matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping everyone on the couch.

You got this. And so do I. 🙂