A while ago, I discovered that I really hated the gym…and I wrote about it. This was my last experience in a gym before I called and cancelled my membership. It’s not only important to know what you like and don’t like in this process, it’s also important to be able to laugh…and my memory of this experience still cracks me up. Whether it’s a fart in a yoga class or… something like this…there is always something that makes you grateful for your own lot in life. This made me grateful…and still does. I hope you enjoy this oldie but goodie:
Last night I braved my way into the gym…walking past all the beautiful, fit people…and a few chubby ones…and grabbed hold of an empty elliptical trainer before I could talk myself out of staying. I plunked down my keys, placed my water bottle in the holder, and climbed aboard the fat burn’in train.
As I started pedaling, I noticed…a smell. It was not a good smell. It wasn’t just sweat. It wasn’t just moldy gym clothes being worn by someone for the 7th time in a row. It was nasty.
My first thought was “Oh my God, is that ME???” I was horrified. I tried to sniff myself discreetly, but there’s just no way to do that in a gym full of your fat burning brethren. After a few more whiffs, I decided that the source of The Smell could not possibly be me. Everyone knows their own scent. Or they should. I have not EVER smelled this nasty. And I’ve got one of those noses that would know. I can smell a bunny fart from a mile away. Or is it bacon cooking from 5 miles away? That sounds more like me.
With skill known only to one of those underwear-model-looking CSI Investigators, I deduced that the source of The Smell had to be one of the two ladies on either side of me…because The Smell was constant. It had to be close.
I carefully glanced out of the corner of my eye at the ever so slightly chubby lady on my right. She’d done nine minutes on the elliptical so far. Not really enough time to work up such a nuclear quality fog around her, unless the aforementioned unwashed gym clothes were a factor. I couldn’t tell.
I glanced to my left and what do I see? The stereotypical blonde, totally fit, beautifully shaped, perfectly coiffed gym princess. Head held high, she pranced on the elliptical machine like it was a delightfully fluffy cloud. Every bead of sweat, which would make me look like a drowned rat, made her look sexy. She looked like an actress who had just been misted with a water bottle so that she could glow for her big scene. Cute little outfit, perfect posture…it was impossible to pick her apart. Certainly, The Smell wasn’t coming from her. I kept clunking along on the elliptical trainer like a moose stuck in quicksand. The Smell taunted me with every pump of my legs. I checked myself a half dozen more times, just to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Nope. It wasn’t coming from me – but whoever it was coming from needed a lesson in how to wash their naughty parts. Holy crap!
Of course, one of the musclebound hunks pumping iron in front of the mirrors had to stop and have a chat with the Princess of Fitness next to me. Of course he did. Hot blonde girl at the gym = constant parade of muscle bound admirers. I understand. I am certain that I saw him notice The Smell. As he was pretending to listen intently to the Princess of Fitness, I saw him looking for it. We made eye contact, in fact. And you know at that moment, he was thinking “Holy crap, Fat Lady…take a shower!” You KNOW he was thinking The Smell came from me. He was! LOL.
He looked at me with that look that so many people have. “Eeew! Lose some pounds, chick!” I just rolled my eyes at him and turned back to “Bridezillas” on the tv. But The Smell remained and I kept wondering…where the hell is it coming from and why did I have to find a place right next to it??
I focused my energy and trudged on. Trudge trudge trudge. Burn burn burn. Just as I began to feel my nose hairs melting from the incredible funk around me, it LIFTED. It was gone! I could smell the NORMAL gym smells again: the rubber padding on the floors, the occassional sweaty passerby, and of course that fabulous chlorine in the pool. I looked back over at the ever so slightly chubby girl and she was still there, pumping away like a crazed little motivated monkey. Nope, not her! I glanced to my left and…oh my God!!! The Princess of Fitness was gone! She was GONE!!! And with her, The Smell!!!
It was at that point that I realized I’d witnessed a true miracle: even perfectly shaped, beautiful blonde girls who look adorable 24/7 have problems…and apparently this one’s problem is 100% nasty crack syndrome! My GOD! This petite, adorable little woman smelled like she had a serious case of swamp crotch. GRRRRROSS!!!!
So as I kept on with my relatively unoffensive sweating, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I may have four asses right now. I may have a lot of work to do. But, damn it, I do NOT smell like little Miss Rosie Rotcrotch!!!
With this much weight to lose, I have to be thankful for every little thing. And, trust me, for this I am VERY thankful.
16 thoughts on “My Last Gym Experience”
I remember when you first posted this. It cracked me up.
omg…u always crack me up (no pun intended)…lmao
Thanks Tanya! 🙂 I’m just grateful I figured out that I hate the gym so much. LOL
Lol I love it!!!
Thank you so much, Kristie. 🙂 I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with anymore of THOSE princesses. LOL.
if you wrote a book, I’d read it. The way you use words to describe situations is hilarious, and it’s what we’re all thinking but not sure how to say!
Molly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could hug you right now. 🙂 Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank-you for posting this! I needed this soo bad today. I saw your jars on pintrest and I admired your blog. I have tried to lose weight so many times and was a skinny girl for most of my life. I now have about 100 lbs to lose. I feel so overwelmed. Food is my friend and my worst enemy. I want to change but have tried soo many times. One of my best friends got a lap band and has lost so much weight and instead of being happy for her I am jelous, I can’t afford the lap band surgery. Sometimes I think that is the only way I could lose weight. Your post here made me just laugh because I feel the same way when I go to the gym!! I HATE being the fat one but don’t know how to be skinny again!! I just wish I could be happy with me no matter what size. Thanks for making me smile on a day when I wanted to just go to bed and hide!! Your a true inspiration!! 🙂
Karen, thank you!
You know, I was never what was considered a “skinny” girl…but if you go to the “about me” tab and scroll down to the end of that post, you’ll find a couple pictures of me back when I thought I was fat.
The first picture is me when I was 7…and was first told I was too fat by a dance teacher. The second picture (wear sunglasses because those tights are hideous) is when I was about 18…and believed I looked like I do NOW. I weighed 125 lbs in that picture and I thought I was super fat and disgusting. How sad is that?
After years of being adamantly against any weight loss surgery, I finally hit a point last year where I could understand why people make the decision to have surgery. I actually went and found a surgeon and started the 6 month waiting period that my insurance requires. In fact, that waiting period ends…today. The surgeon’s office will now submit my file for approval and I can schedule a surgery date…if I want.
I was so determined to do this last fall – and then a good friend of mine who’s had lap band surgery recommended that I check out some online forums for lap band patients. It was the best piece of advice…
I highly recommend that you take a look at the Lap Band Talk Forums at http://www.lapbandtalk.com
It really helped me to be able to read multiple experiences from many different people. I was able to ask questions and get the support I needed. In fact, I am still participating in those forums.
I have decided that, at least for now, I’m doing fine on my own and I’m not going to go ahead with surgery at this time. Reading the experiences of so many people on those forums has taken me from “Hell yes, I’m doing this!” to “No…I can do this myself…I want to do this without surgery!”
I know you can’t afford the surgery, but reading the forums is free… and may help you to see whether it’s truly for you. Sometimes you need a little perspective when you have friends that have weight loss surgery…trust me, I know. 🙂
I know this can be so hard…it’s hard for me daily. Hourly, sometimes. What helps me when I’m confused and overwhelmed is to break the problem down into smaller, manageable pieces. Grab a piece of paper and just start writing:
What’s wrong? Why is it wrong? What does it feel like? What are the choices? If you don’t know, where can you get more information about choices?
Making a change like this isn’t going to stick if you force yourself to do something you hate – so if you hate going to the gym, don’t. Find what you like better than the gym. Do you like to exercise outside more than inside? Do you enjoy exercising with other people or are you a loner like me?
You have to be a detective…for yourself. You can figure out what’s eating you…so you can stop eating yourself away from happiness.
I believe in you. 🙂
OMG this is so funny! I have had a similar experience and this story reminded me of it and made me laugh!
The way you write and use describing words is awesome lol I especially liked “nasty crack syndrome” and “swamp crotch”. I just started writing my own blog about healthy lifestyles, check if out if you’d like!http://fuzzyduckie.wordpress.com/
Hi Abby –
Thanks so much. LOL. I put a comment on your blog today!
Funny stuff. It is great that you are getting to the gym and working out. SO hard to motivate and sometimes when you see the “skinny girls” Its hard to stay motivated. This story made me feel like everyone has their thing. The thing that is hard for them or embarrassing no one is perfect no matter how they may appear. Thanks and good luck. I am also going to make those pounds to lose jars so cute.
Thanks, Ocean! Although I’m not going to the gym…I hate it. 🙂 I am fortunate enough to own a treadmill…so I can now walk in blissful freedom from stanky fitness Barbies. LOL. Good luck on your marbles project!!
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