The World Is Going to Hell In a Combo Pack Handbasket

I am just ending my 18th sugar free day and I’m quite proud of that. In fact, yesterday I was just laughing with my husband about what an amazing job I did in giving up sugar during the holidays. This is an amazing feat for anyone, but especially for someone like me. I’m fairly certain I’ve got cake frosting & chocolate hard coded into my DNA somewhere. For me, an accomplishment like this is extraordinary.

I’m doing well with it, but it’s all still new and I face many temptations. I try to avoid the grocery store, as my auto-pilot is still trying to steer me down the ice cream aisle. It’s amazing how slowly some old habits die. When I do go to the grocery store, I stick to my list. I do, however, have to look at the shelves and freezer cases in order to find the things that are on my list. And that’s when I get pissed off.

The world is going to hell in a combo pack handbasket, my friends.

The end cap freezer case in my local grocery store is stocked full right now with DiGiorno Pizzas. Not just pizzas, though. Combo packs. As if the processed crap in the DiGiorno box isn’t bad enough, they’re also available in the following combo packs:

Pizza & Wyngz
Pizza & Breadsticks
…Pizza & Cookies

Sweet jump’in Jesus, are you kidding me? I’ve seen these before, but every time I see them on special display it pisses me off. And c’mon…pizza & wyngz? Why is it spelled that way? Do the calories and fat magically fall out of the box when you get all gangsta with the spelling? And the final slap in the face: pizza & cookies. Really? Do any of us need this much help gaining weight?

Pizza is a major weakness of mine – in fact, it’s responsible for at least one of my butts. I’m sorry, that’s not right – I’m responsible…but pizza was my weapon of choice. I’ve also never met a breadstick, a cookie, a wing or wyng I didn’t like. Granted, I’ve never tried “wyngz” before but I’m guessing the spelling catastrophe doesn’t change much in the fat & flavor department. I’m so grateful these combo packs weren’t available back when I was a single girl and there was no one else to see what I had stashed in the freezer. My self control would’ve been out the window and I would now be working off 5 asses instead of 4.

In addition to partially hydrogenated combo packs from hell, we now have little instant cupcake makers cleverly disguised as pink George Foreman grills. I can only imagine the damage I would’ve done to myself had this miracle appliance been available back in my fat girl heyday. (Back in my day, young lady, we fatties had to drink the cake batter right from the bowl…we didn’t have fancy schmancy appliances to bake ’em up in a nano second. No, siree!)

And then there’s the “Forever Lazy”. It’s basically a Snuggie with legs. Look at how happy these tailgaters look in their Forever Lazies. Who wouldn’t want to get all dolled up and look like some kind of sedentary cult?

My heart goes out to my obese brothers and sisters out there who are still in the binge eating/denial phase of their lives. These are temptations I would not have been able to resist back in my cake batter drinking days. (Okay, I could probably resist the dorkalyptic Forever Lazy). And, while I support everyone’s right to bake & devour a cupcake in 6 minutes or less, it really makes me scratch my head and wonder why something like this is even necessary.

Can we not put our creative energies to better use? I can think of a couple combo packs that would at least make the world a better place. How about…

The Tampax/Hershey’s/Lay’s Potato Chips PMS Pack – sugary, salty goodness so you can have a happy period

The Office Depot School Prozac Pack – loaded with all the school supplies little Timmy needs…with a special surprise for Mommy

Lean Cuisine’s Chicken Bistro Club & Blue Ice Pack – stick to those New Years resolutions with a 300 calorie dinner and then soothe your newly worked out muscles with an ice pack

The Clorox/Fruit of the Loom Combo Pack – because the hubby needs new undies and, let’s face it…shit happens.

Here’s hoping we see more innovation and less couch potato in the combo packs of the future.

In other news, I haven’t gotten back on the scale yet simply because I don’t want to place too much focus on the number staring back at me. At this stage, I want it to be all about me and my new healthy habits…and not about a number. I’m sure I’ll get on the scale some time this week.

And speaking of the week ahead, I’ve decided to start my liquid diet fast on Saturday. The fuzzy, sluggish, craptastic feeling I experienced last week was not something I’d like to repeat on a work day. Attempting a liquid diet is hard enough without bringing work into it. I’m pretty sure the boss would frown on me throwing binder clips like ninja fighting stars at the hapless twit who heats their pizza in the microwave when I’m angrily sipping my chalkolate shake.

I’m looking forward to the week ahead – and I’m so happy that we’ve started 2012. I was ready to go weeks ago. Good riddance, 2011. 2012 is here! The year is brand new, my friends. Anything is possible.

It’s time to spread our wyngz and fly, baby.

11 thoughts on “The World Is Going to Hell In a Combo Pack Handbasket

  1. I’m glad we don’t have those deadly combo packs in France. At least not yet…
    The way you’re starting 2012 – with tons of humour and energy – makes me smile.
    And 18 days without sugar! That’s a feat indeed!

    1. Merci, Virginie!

      I remember a book that came out not too long ago, basically stating that we need to eat more like French women if we want to stay slim. I always thought that was an interesting concept and I’m sure is a valid point, as the US is one of the fattest countries! I hope the world “wyngz” never shows itself in France. 🙂

      1. “Eating like French women”? You mean tiny portions and tons of vegetables, with the occasional piece of dark chocolate? That’s outdated! Women in France today eat like American ones, and obesity is on the increase. Four persons out of ten are overweight or obese in my country, and things are getting worse everyday, thanks to – not wings, they haven’t become popular enough here – nuggets, pizzas and other junk food.

        1. I’m sorry to hear that, Virginie! Perhaps the world is just moving so fast that “convenience foods” are what everyone looks for. Not very convenient to have to work it all off my butt though!!

  2. Oh I see these at our grocer all the time! I too wondered about the “gangsta wyngz”…

    Love your combo pack ideas though! I’m thinking a Post-Holiday Combo Pack would do the trick for me right about now…Tums/Bottled Water/Credit Counseling (for those credit card bills that will soon be rolling in!)

    1. Allison, I was at work when I read your comment on my cell phone and I laughed so hard that I snorted. LOL. I think your combo pack is my favorite. 🙂

  3. I am pretty sure that they spell it “wyngz” because it’s not actually wing meat. Yup, my best friend, Google, just confirmed – Turns out that wyngz are fancified chicken nuggets. Tisk Tisk. I remember watching the Colbert Report when he was talking about it, that’s why it was in the back of my mind….. I may get most (ir?)relavant news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert….

    1. Ugh! That is so gross, isn’t it? LOL If I’m going to eat those calories, I’d much rather it be actual chicken. Or is it chycken? Just kidd’in.

  4. You are a scream – you could do stand up comedy.  I just found your blog yesterday and have started reading from the beginning – just like a great book!! I emailed you too. Love the dogs!! We have a 5 pound hairy vacuum cleaner!! You are so right on to try to lose without surgery. 
    Prozac in the with the school supplies was genious.

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