This has been on my mind for days and days and I haven’t been able to put it into words. I keep noticing that I’m angry without having an obvious reason. This is the reason: my own lack of motion.
The scale is stuck. Actually, that’s not an accurate statement. The number on the scale is not moving…because I am not moving. There is no one to blame but me.
I recently had a conversation with a fitness writer whom I really respect. I was absolutely infuriated by the lack of quality, reliable information out there for obese people when it comes to any kind of resistance training. She confirmed for me that cardio is the best thing I can do to take off the pounds (which I knew, I just needed to hear it again…because sometimes I get all wrapped up in unimportant details). I walked away from the conversation knowing what I needed to do, but not doing it. Again.
Overall, my feelings are of outrage and frustration…at myself. It’s April. I truly thought I would be farther along in my efforts to make exercise a habit by now. It’s 4 months into the year and all I have to show for it is a longer list of what doesn’t work for me.
Training for the 5K in May? Not motivating me. (Don’t worry, I’m still doing it…so if you’re signed up, you’re still stuck with me!)
Zumba or other group fitness classes? Doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I’m already pissed off that I have to exercise, I don’t want to be around happy people – or worse, the kind who shriek and make “yippy!” noises while they exercise. I really hate that shit.
Watching tv or reading on the treadmill? I can’t focus and I actually can’t breathe right. I’m all uneven and funky. I need to walk to music or silence. But hey…at least that’s one thing I know I like, right? Out of all this negativity…at least there’s that.
And that’s what’s getting me: the negativity. And the self-loathing. And the absolute spoiled brat mentality that seems to be hard-wired into my DNA.
Do you know what I did today? I woke up early, ready to start the day and get some serious shit done…and I ended up sitting on the couch all day. Reading. Watching tv. Snuggling the dog. Talking to the hubby. Actually, my day looked more like this:
Made breakfast.
Watched news, channel surfed.
Started a load of laundry.
Realized I recorded “Prometheus” on cable the other day & hadn’t watched it.
Watched it, then resisted the urge to fly to California and kick the producer in the crotch. (As my mother would say, it was dryer than a cat’s ass!)
Started sorting out the crap on the coffee table.
Thought about putting my shoes on and walking The Path. Didn’t.
Watched more tv.
Read my Kindle.
Snuggled with Kirby. Snuggled with Dyson.
Greeted hubby when he woke up. Thought about getting on the treadmill. Didn’t.
Thought about cleaning the laundry room. Didn’t.
Played a computer game for an hour.
Chatted with hubby. Thought about going for a walk again. Didn’t.
Felt guilty about it.
You get the idea, right?
I think about working out, but I don’t. I’m so overwhelmed by everything I have to do in my life…and so I do nothing. I preach to the world that you have to take things as you can handle them…slowly & deliberately…and yet here I sit: paralyzed.
I’m physically neglecting myself more, not less. As if not moving wasn’t bad enough, there’s still make-up on my face when my head hits the pillow most nights. I don’t wash my face or take care of my skin. Not necessarily because I’m too busy, but because I’m angry at myself and I don’t care. I’m not drinking enough water. The skin on my shins looks like the Sahara after a 100 year drought. When I get up in the morning, I pass my bathroom scale and feel a horrible sense of dread. The number isn’t going down. Why? Because I’m not moving. It will move when I move. And still I sit here…not moving.
I just re-read all of this and it sounds so very depressing…and whiny. I want to cheer it up for all of you who are good enough to read my blog, email me, and support me every day. I feel like I shouldn’t be where I am – which is wrong, because we’re all where we are and there is no right or wrong. And I just said I was wrong in the same sentence where I said there is no right or wrong. It’s quite possible that I’m going insane.
All of this is true – but it’s also true that the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse are getting closer every day and I’m extremely emotional/hormonal/fantastically pissy right now. I’m sure this all seems much worse to me than it really is if I think about it logically…if I just strip it back down to what I know and what is true.
Here’s what I know and what is true:
I haven’t quit. I feel like I’m on the verge of a nasty backslide if I don’t move my ass – but that’s only true if I let it happen. I am not a quitter. I may take a lot longer than the average girl to get my shit figured out, but I’m not a quitter. I don’t like myself right now – which is distressing when I consider how many years I spent in therapy just learning how to like myself. I know I need to dumb it down for myself again. I know I need to make myself move more and that I need to make it the highest priority before anything else. Every day.
And so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to walk. I’m going to get up from my desk and move more at work. I’m going to dance around the house. Joyously. And when I hear myself get negative and I start talking smack to myself, I’m going to tell myself to shut it.
Every damn day.
I refuse to look back one day and see that the only person who failed me…was me.
What demons have you faced down and lived through? Share your stories with me now…I need to hear from my peeps.
First, it is hard to be obese. Like you I wasn’t always like this. I got sick and got fat. You see magazines and commercials and shows about people who take it all off in a year or six months due to determination and willpower. Though it makes me happy for them I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to stick with anything. My period gets me every month with the cravings and the pain and it is almost a three week thing for me. It makes me angry at myself and nature and the world. If they can do it with cant I seem to. In your case you have thousands of people watching you go through this too. And though that can be a blessing in a lot of ways I imagine it is a lot of pressure too. I know that NOTHING is going to change until I do and like you I tend to just get pissed about the whole thing. I am angry that all those years I was thin I felt fat all the time. I am angry that I can’t eat whatever I want like I used to. I am angry that I can’t just seem to get motivated. I have no excuses. One of my best friends is a personal trainer and my work has a free gym on site AND is a damn park with tons of walking trails. My biggest obstacle? My brain and my uterus. Just don’t give up. Anything you do is better than nothing. You’ll get there even if you take the scenic route. You just have to keep moving. Good luck.
Jenny, thank you so much for your love & support. It really does help my process to hear from those who deal with the same issues that I do. I’ll be reaching back to your comment for reassurance this week, I’m sure. I know we can do this. Thank you so much for commenting today.
What a wonderful, raw and honest blog tonight! First off, we all have plateaus. They absolutely suck. I have been stuck going back and forth, forth and back on my weight for the several months now, but never falling below a number that I had hit prior. Well, today – I went below that mark! But before this day I hated the scale, hated getting on it, knowing that it was just going to make me feel like more of a fat ass failure than I already did. But somehow, I kept going. I read your posts, among others. I look for support in strangers online, in my best friend, my husband (also best friend). The fact of the matter is, we have to live in the day – in the moment. We have to leave behind past failures. We can look at the future, but we have to remember that our actions and attitudes today are what are shaping tomorrow anyway. The last month I have found a plan that I love and that works for me. I’ve lost 7 pounds in three and half weeks. But in the last two weeks I’ve also found a workout that I’ve stuck to as well. Before those things happened, though, I felt like you. The difference is this – you are so brave. You are brave enough to put yourself out there for all of us and whoever else wants to click a button. You let us share your joy, your life, your pain, your self doubts, everything! And that means a lot. People say that the only things in this life we can count on are death and taxes. I believe there is one other thing for that list: change. Everything always changes. Could be a good change, could be bad. But it will come. You’ll look back on this one day and be absolutely blown away that you felt this way. You will have come so far, girl! Because you have moxy. You have so many people backing you. You are a HOT MESS BADASS, and no one will ever take that away from you! We will overcome, chica!! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…. !!! 🙂
Christy, your comments always make me smile…especially when you reference Dory from “Finding Nemo”. LOL. I often say that to myself! I appreciate your support so much and I’m so grateful for your comments today. ♥
You’re REAL, and we all love you for it. You know why? Because it reminds us that we’re real. You’re not that success story on the front page of People Magazine that makes us all wish we were them and Im glad! I relate to you in so many more ways than just weight, and it’s honestly nice to have such an awesome person to follow along with and take this journey into better health with! We all have our moments of disappointment and discouragement. I have no doubt though, this little community that YOU’VE brought together will keep encouraging and moving forward until we’re all where we are supposed to be!
Keep it real girl!
Allison, it’s so good to see you here. 🙂 Thank you so much for your love & support & for awesomeness. We WILL do this…we just won’t do it with a magic pill. We’re gonna be okay…and now I have this thread of posts to remind me of it. ♥
You are such an inspiration!! For all the reasons listed above (you’re real, you put yourself out there in front of God and the world – real life, as is) and for a million more – you are worth the effort, girl. You know that. You know all the cliched things I could type. You’ve heard it all and will hear it again ad nauseum until you leave this earth. Don’t kick yourself in the buttocks too severely – yesterday is gone. So you didn’t move. So you didn’t want to. So you sat on the couch and connected with your fur babies and your lover boy. I say that that is great! Relationships are important! Chalk yesterday up as gone and done and look at today as a fresh start and all that crap. Put on your smiley face, think of all the people who are rooting you on and encouraging you and yes, even praying for you this morning! Let yourself be encouraged!! Bask in the glow and then get up and just do it. (…..typing all this is rather ironic because I’ve been telling myself to just get up and move for months, and have yet to do a single thing… makes me chuckle this morning, but most mornings I right there with you, wallowing in the pit and hating myself. Today’s a Monday, and for some reason I refuse to let that get me down! I’m going to face this week head-on and smack it upside the head if it tries to go ugly on me. And I’m going to take some encouragement and cheer from your blog, my friend! Even bloggers have bad days and want to whine from time to time, so it’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone. It’s comforting to know that even those of you who are farther along on your getting healthy journey than I am have days where you just sit. So maybe that’s some encouragement to you? Knowing that those of us out here who read your blog take heart in the fact that you are not perfect. You have days just like the rest of us. Thank you for sharing those days! Thank you for opening up your world and letting us in. You have no idea the impact of your words – words thrown out into cyberspace for all to consume – they motivate and encourage and challenge. So keep it up! You are an awesomely amazingly woman – consider this a long distance hug followed by a gentle shove out the door and onto The Path. Again, ironic, but somehow I think that if we can all encourage you and get you to stick to your guns and just do this, it’ll somehow make it easier for me to get up and do it, too. Anyhow, didn’t mean to write so much – good grief! You must’ve struck a nerve with this post, huh? Praying for you this morning, though, seriously. Hope your day today is wonderful, filled with doggie hugs and dancing!
Melanie, thank you so much for being here and for your wonderful comments. You’re right: it takes a village. 🙂 I’m going to be referring back to everyone’s comments here all week. Much love to you, girl!
Hi Diane! There isn’t much I can tell you that would be different than the other lovely comments above. I can say that I have been where you are. I will be there again – it is a vicious cycle, after all. You know how it goes – you are so tired so you don’t work out. You don’t work out so you don’t care what you eat. You KNOW that you are tired because you aren’t exercising or eating right. But that doesn’t do anything to motivate you do change because you are TIRED! Tired of having to deal with any of it. Tired of thinking you should work to be better. Tired of knowing how long it will take you to get to where you ultimately want to be. The thing is this: you already know all of this. You have accepted it. So, you fell into a little slump here…but that is OK! Everyone is entitled to these moments. It is what you do next that matters and that is it. There are only 2 things in life we can control: our attitude and our actions. I love your attitude! I also love your actions! You tell us all about it. We all know this journey is hard. And, sad as it may be to say, we are glad we can relate to you and your struggle. Just the fact that you have the courage to put it out there means so much to us. We love you and will stick by you through this. Because, underneath it all, you really are determined to change. That is incredible and inspiring.
Now, I am trying to get out of the “cycle” and have started working out again. I am going very slowly so as to make it a habit and not overwhelm my body or my brain. I am up to 14 minutes (as of this morning) on the elliptical. I am also focusing on my heart rate so I don’t over-exercise. That sounds weird, but I am all about shrinking the fat cells not become a marathoner! Anyway, we are FitBit buddies and we can keep an eye on each other. It is just a little thing I can do to encourage you. After all, you encourage me just by being you.
Brandy
Well, here’s one good thing: You’re an even better writer when you’re mad!
And getting down to look at that anger will go a long way toward getting you moving
I know you’re going to win this one!
My darling, Di, I’m totally there with you. Uninspired, unmotivated, overwhelmed by the mountains of work to do in the house, let alone outside and then add to it all the kids’ crap too. It’s a never ending vicious battle and I lose it every day. I eat poorly, I don’t get out, I don’t move enough, and I know I should because that would give me more energy but I’m always so damn tired to start with!
Anyway, just know I love you and I thank you for being YOU and for being there to kick me in the ass with your blog posts when I need it the most!
I’m in the exact position you are, and I feel the same way. Don’t beat yourself up too much, just enough to get the job done. Never forget that you are awesome and you will get through this!
Hi there! I was reading your post and it made me smile how hard you try to get into the habit of exercising and persevere despite your failures. I just wanted to drop you a line of encouragement and say, stick with it, you will eventually find something you enjoy doing!
Most gym-type fitness exercises do suit a lot of people, but then there are those of us who just need something different!!! I am like you, I think zumba makes me look more retarded and actually takes away from my self-confidence with its stupid moves. And a treadmill makes me feel like a hamster. What worked for me? Contact combat!!!!!!! I took a class completely randomly, and fell in love. The instructor was amazing and the class was full of nice people who made me feel comfortable. I think these are elements not to neglect. Try to find a class where you have fun and where your instructor is very nice to you. It’s the people that will keep you coming back 🙂 Also you might want to try belly dancing.. There are some videos on youtube if you search for “bellydance workout”. It’s very feminine and will make you feel amazing! Just some ideas for you to try out 🙂 Keep looking for the one that works for you!!!
Actually cardio is not the best workout to lose weight, and, can stall weight loss because it causes muscle to continually breakdown rather than build up. Long aerobic or cardio workouts release cortisol (the stress hormone), causing the body to store fat instead of building muscle. And, after 30 minutes, the hormone needed to burn fat is suppressed. Real sustainable weight loss comes from exercising to build muscle, feeding your body the right foods to boost your metabolism, and reducing Insulin Resistance. I’m not saying to not train for your race, it’s a great goal, and by reaching it will motivate you to do other activities or races, but don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t motivated right now and may think that it’s the reason you aren’t losing weight.
First of all, you were part of what inspired me to carry on when I first joined your facebook page many many months ago. You kept me going on most days with your stick it to the man truthfulness. You my dear are AWESOME! You can do anything in the world you want no matter how big or small it is. You can and will succeed. Just like you told me, “Your gonna be ok”. We are both going to be ok. We just have to pick up where we left off and push it hard. I remember you posting the numbers on your wall to look at while you worked out. I started doing the same thing. My grandma passed away in May of last year. My heart is torn out and my life has been turned upside down. My grandma was the strongest person I ever knew. I strive to be just like her. My grandma would have never quit. She would have told me to straighten up and get back at it. So, lets both straighten up and get back at it. Our health and future is much more important than any book, movie, cuddle time with our pets, or house that we need to clean. We can not let ourselves down or our readers. We both got this and I am here to cheer you on along the way. Thanks for always being happy and encouraging. You my friend are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Dianne! I am stopping by to tell you that I have nominated you as a Very Inspiring Blogger! You can see your nomination here: http://www.justbeingdina.com/2013/04/very-inspiring-blogger-nominations.html
I appreciate each and every one of your posts! You are truthful in your journey and I love that! This particular post really touched me as I have been struggling with keeping on the path and exercising and doing what I am supposed to do to make sure I don’t backpedal all the weight back on. You can do this Dianne, and so can I. It’s not easy. No ma’am. But we can do it.
I love your brave, beautiful, funny, raw and talented writing. It is really a gift to share your journey with people when you are feeling vulnerable. I have been on my own healing journey for 10+ years, and have recently experienced another of life’s lesson revealed – release fear and begin trusting. Move gently in spite of fear’s horrible paralysis and resistance to goodness and change. You can move toward your goal, not away from it. This post on Mind Body Green is a helpful reminder.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6728/An-Exercise-to-Get-Rid-of-Fear-and-Start-Trusting-the-Universe.html