Category Archives: Beauty

Facials are made of 100% awesome

A while back, I shared on my Facebook fan page that a local, well-established plastic surgeon had offered to give me a free hydra facial if I’d like to try it. I was instantly intrigued, not only because I’ve never had a facial before but also because I’d never EVER heard of a hydra facial.

I’ve always wanted a facial, I just never seem to have time. Plus, you’re letting someone mess with your face…which requires a huge amount of trust. I only let my eye doctor get that close to me and, occasionally, the very un-customer servicey chicks at the local nail salon who smear hot wax on my Chewbacca brows while shouting at each other in another language without backing away from my ears.

When I think about the screamy, waxing, un-customer servicey chicks having a go at the skin on my face I get a little freaked. It’s a level of fear akin to what one might feel if they actually read the calories on the movie popcorn they ate last Friday. (Don’t do it. Everyone deserves a treat once in awhile. Just go for a couple extra long walks or something.)

Now you see why I had to say yes when Anderson Plastic Surgery and MedSpa reached out and made me this pretty damn generous offer. Uh…hydra facial? Sign me up! So I’m here to share my experience with you, both the expected and the unexpected. Ready?

First of all, it’s a plastic surgeon’s office. I expected a regular waiting room and front desk situation, like I encounter when I have a cold or go for my (shudder) well woman thing. Not the case here. I stepped through the door and hello….what is that fabulous smell?

The receptionist greeted me very promptly by name, letting me know I was expected and making me feel quite welcome. She handed me a few forms to complete. Meanwhile, I’m looking all over for the source of this fabulous smell.  What is it? Where is it coming from? Is it Scentsy? Candles? Are they selling it? Can I buy some? Where, where, where?

I’ll tell you later. 🙂

Oh, and the lobby is very nicely decorated and comfortable…but not pretentious like the oral surgeon I had to see once. Dude had a ginormous aquarium in his waiting room that had to cost half the national debt. Nothing says “I care about my patients” more than displaying a ridiculously expensive thing like that for all to see. Seriously, it’s like…oh THIS is why my co-pay is so high. Not the case with Anderson Plastics. Nice place, tastefully decorated. Pleasing to the eye and definitely the nose.

Before long, my aesthetician arrived in the lobby to greet me. Jana. Perfect skin, of course. I felt like I was staring too much, but I couldn’t help it y’all! Her skin is gorgeous. So Jana took me back to the room where the magic happens. Yay! My first facial. And not just any facial, a HYDRA facial. Because I’m fancy.

I admit I was a little tense. I wasn’t sure if anything would hurt or if I’d have any kind of reaction, although I don’t have sensitive skin so I was pretty sure everything would be fine. But you know me, right? I could win a free bean bag chair and break my leg walking to the car with it.

Jana very sweetly explained what a hydra facial is, which you can learn about by clicking here. Once I was comfortable, she started by putting some freshly steamed towels on my face. AH HA!!!! There’s that smell!

Turns out, they scent their towels in essential oils every day. Last Friday was lemongrass day and it was fan-freak’in-tastic. So refreshing! I’ve been curious about essential oils ever since my friend Lauren showed up at our last Game of Thrones binge with a handbag full of miscellaneous vials. Seriously, it looked like she had Professor Snape’s entire potions closet in her damn handbag (which was overstuffed again…ahem!!!). She’s going to sass me back for that. Trust me. Back to Jana and the hydra facial…

Jana made a series of passes over my face with whatever heavenly wand she uses to extract dirt and impurities – but since I’ve never had any kind of facial before I’m pretty sure she was pulling frogs and small dust bunnies out of there. She’s way too nice to say.

Every pass was gentle and pain free. She did have to get a few blackheads out, but that was just pressure and it was over. No pain. The final pass was to treat my skin with anti-oxidants.

If you’re local to the DFW area, Jana is probably one of the sweetest people you will ever meet in your entire life. I expected all the face touching and scrubbing that was going on. I didn’t expect the gentle, very positive reminders about the importance of self-care. During the entire process, Jana was very informative about what she was doing. She always told me what she was going to do before she did it. But she also layered in positive affirmations and meditations that reminded me of some things I tend to forget. Namely, me.


I get so busy in my day-to-day life that I forget how important it is to take good care of myself. And Jana wasn’t giving me some half-hidden message like “Hey, come back and spend money here”. She was reminding me to care for me. And I so appreciated it.

Towards the end, she massaged some peppermint oil on the back of my neck and told me that it would feel cool on my skin when the air hit it. And here’s what really made me smile about Jana: she told me that whenever I smelled that peppermint oil I should remember that there is only one me…and that there is no one like me. And that I am special.

That is something I did not expect from a facial…hydra or any other kind. How wonderful!

By the time she walked me back out to the lobby, I felt like I was walking on some sort of peppermint scented happy cloud. The entire experience was fabulous. I was refreshed, relaxed, and honestly wishing I could just put on my Star Wars jammies and go to bed early.

Jana also gave me a lovely gift bag with cleanser, moisturizer and sunscreen in it…which is all amazing. I’ve been using it instead of my normal skin care products and it leaves my skin feeling actually clean, without any manufactured crud on it.

Oh, and my skin? Honestly, at my age I didn’t expect to see much of a difference…but I feel a difference. My skin is firmer. It feels like it has more substance to it, if that makes sense. It feels more youthful. If I had to guess, I’d say it was from the hydration pass but I’d be guessing. Maybe you can ask Jana when you go for your appointment. It is absolutely and totally worth it – probably in a few ways you won’t even expect.

Oh, and they also have a GREAT blog. I was pretty impressed with this post on the dangers of Botox parties and Dr. Anderson’s creative (and safe) alternative to this growing trend.

You can follow Anderson Plastics on a variety of social media channels, including Twitter,  Facebook, Pinterest (God help me…) and Instagram…so watch for special deals because the hydra facial is amazing. They also have a YouTube channel!

Many, many thanks to Dr. Anderson and his team (especially Jana) for such a wonderful experience!

What the H?

So earlier this week I was sitting, weirdly enough, in the waiting room at my gyno doctor’s office…scrolling through Facebook on my phone…and I see this article from Yahoo! Health:

Please Don’t Stick Herbs Up Your Vagina. Please.

What the actual fuck? Did I read that right?

I felt an odd mixture of horror and curiosity that I haven’t felt since Gwyneth told us all we should be steaming our lady bits if we wanted to be cool like her. (I’d link you to her blog post about all that, but it mysteriously disappeared after the entire universe laughed at the ridiculousness of it all). That’s okay. My vagina decided back then that it didn’t want to be cool like Gwyneth. I’m not in the habit of scalding the shit out of my girly parts even if Ironman’s girlfriend is telling me to do it.

To be fair, I’ll link you to this article about the famous vaginal steaming post. It’s the best I can do.

Anyway, I clicked on the Yahoo article. How could I not? I was not disappointed. I mean, I’m thankful that I was paying attention in school the day they told me not to mess with my vag’s eco-system, as it were, but for those of you who think differently…this article is awesome on multiple levels. When it comes to all the reasons why you shouldn’t put herbs up your vagina, Amy Rushlow (with Yahoo Health) puts it all together for us in an effing hysterical package.

Apparently, “vaginal detoxing” is actually a thing that some women are taking seriously. Like…they’re buying herbal tampons and shoving them up their vajayjays to get a good detox. For three days. THREE. DAYS.


My favorite part of the article was when she talks about where to buy these ridiculous things. Are you ready? Etsy. Yes! Etsy…the homemade crafting website. “Because when you want to buy something that goes up your vagina, the first person you think of is the guy who made that super-cool necklace for your aunt,” says Rushlow. LOL. I love this chick! (I clicked over to Twitter and followed her so fast.)

I read the damn thing twice while I was sitting in the waiting room, then I was called back to have my own lady bits inspected, giggling the entire time. But as I walked back to the exam room, I realized that these herbal tampons look like…tea bags. Don’t they?

Holy CRAP! Tea bags for the vag!!!

Okay, now this is exciting. If you’ve read my blog or followed me on Facebook for any length of time, you’re well aware that I’m a big fan of Downton Abbey. So now I’m thinking…vag…tea bags…tea…Downton…vag…tea….

Sometimes my mind is like a runaway train, honestly. And once it’s off the tracks there’s just no stopping the damn thing. Before I knew it, my imagination exploded with images of Lady Mary doing magazine ads for this remarkable breakthrough in feminine hygiene.

“I’m Lady Mary Crawley…and when I want to get the funk of a dead Turk’s peenie out of my vag, I turn to Mrs. Tiddlywink’s Detox Tea Bags.”

Poor Mr. Pamuk was no match for Lady Mary’s vag. Perhaps if she’d had a damn detox beforehand he’d still be alive!

Remember when Lady Mary made Anna go to the pharmacy to get a diaphragm so she could bump uglies with Tony Gillingham out of wedlock?

Pharmacy lady: “May I help you?”

Anna (embarrassed): “Yes, uh…I’d like…I’d like to get one of these please.”

(She hesitates a moment.)

Anna: “Oh, bullocks. Can I also get a dozen of the Cinnamon Cervix tea bags? Lady Mary’s whoring around again.”

I’m sure you’re all thinking what I’m thinking: I never would have survived back in the days when the working class couldn’t say what they thought. If I’d lived back then…with my mouth, I’d have ended up scrubbing underpants at the local whorehouse or something – and scrubbing my knuckles raw cleaning crotches all day just seems a waste of my talent.

And what about the Dowager’s naughty history with Russian Prince Kuragin?

Perhaps a little of “Lady Violet’s Echinacea and Olive Oil Downton Estate Vag Tea”…for when you need to add a little moisture back to that crusty, 80 year old hoo-hah. With a touch of Retinol to give your labia a rejuvinated, youthful appearance!

 photo dowager lol_zpssheedmut.jpg

And, of course, there’s the obvious seasonal blends we could play with:

  • Spring Fling – leaves an essence of clean laundry and freshly mowed grass
  • Summer Daze – perhaps something that smells like the ocean. Without the fish or…that might be weird.
  • Pumpkin Spice in the fall, y’all!
  • Holiday Hymen Surprise in December, maybe? I’m just thinking out loud…

It’s true that I haven’t had to suffer through a period since I had my evil bitch uterus sandblasted a year ago, but for you ladies who still have deal with that crap how about a nice Menstrual Mint?

There’s no limit to the money we can make with this scheme, ladies, really. Which one of you has the capital to invest? We should talk. Get me Downton creator Julian Fellowes on the phone. STAT!

I’ll be back later. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately and I’m going to try my hand at mixing up a batch of Lavender Labia. I know I’m probably kidding myself, but at least my vagina will be well rested…

Royal Albert Old Country Roses Boxed Cup and Saucer

A Little Pretty Goes a Long Way

I’m not sure how to say this without sounding whiny and weak, but I’m going to give it a shot. I hope that there are a few of you out there who can understand what I mean.

When you’re on the road to obesity and you’re eating away your feelings, there is a point in that journey when you stop feeling like a person and more like a thing. I don’t know how the men feel, but when a woman stops feeling girly and pretty…well…we don’t like that. Throughout my life as an obese person, I’ve lost the woman underneath. I’ve withered and hid myself away as much as possible. I lost sight of the fact that I liked pretty dresses once upon a time in my life…and I enjoyed reading women’s magazines for the beauty tips and the cardboard perfume thing you rub on your arm. Somewhere around size 24 or 26, I lost my inner girly girl and just gave up.

Now, coming back down the other side of things, I find that I mostly lumber through my life in unflattering clothes and ugly shoes and just want to go home and hide. When I run into someone I haven’t seen in a long time, I’m almost apologetic over my appearance. I miss the woman I used to be. I’m ashamed of the creature I’ve become.

My inner raccoon led me to something quite fabulous the other day and it’s brought all these issues up in spades. I read about this on The Small Things blog: the Birch Box. Basically, you can subscribe and get a new one every month for $10…and it’s nicely sized samples of high end beauty products all packaged up in an adorable box. I love it!

My first Birch Box arrived today. I got so excited when I saw that adorable pink package in my mailbox. I rushed in the house and opened it. So cute. What girly things will I get to try today?

I got a sample of a chocolate chip brownie lara bar, a VMV Hypoallergenics serum for under eye circles, a nice little bottle of Joya nail polish in blue-grey, a fuschia lip gloss, and a sample of Juicy Couture perfume.

Fun! It was all neatly wrapped in pink tissue. It was like Christmas…I loved getting this box. And it’s all little girlie things that put me back in touch with my feminine side once again. I’m wearing the Juice Couture already and, of course, hubby has to tell me that it’s too flowery. I reminded him that, more often than not, he’s a little too farty.

I’ll have a smile on my face as I go to bed tonight. I feel the promise of recapturing a part of life that I really enjoyed and had long since lost. Sometimes it’s hard to look in the mirror when you have over 200 lbs to lose. You don’t see yourself. You see the beast. It makes it hard to keep positive and not beat yourself up.

I guess what I’m trying to say to my fellow chubby butterflies out there is…don’t forgot the beautiful person you are underneath all this crap we’ve heaped on ourselves. You deserved to pamper yourself a little. Make sure you take time for the joys in life. Big or small.

I’ll be back tomorrow with some serious snark for the fitness industry. For now, I feel pretty. 🙂





Juicy Couture By Juicy Couture For Women. Eau De Parfum Spray 3.4 Oz.