Answering an Important Question

General Hoo-Hah, Uncategorized

In last week’s post, I shared some of the ways that this pandemic has changed my life…and a few of you have asked me whether I got (or plan to get) the Covid-19 vaccine. There’s a story behind my answer, so I felt like I should just answer it here.

Last December, one of my dearest friends was diagnosed with Covid-19. She is younger than me and has no health issues other than being overweight (which is one of the risk factors that puts you into Phase 1B for the vaccine). For the first couple of days she was just feeling sick. Then Covid started to manhandle her. She texted me on her way to the emergency room. She’d had a 103 degree fever for a day or two and was unable to get it down. A chest xray revealed a spot of pneumonia in her lungs, and my normally feisty friend was admitted to the hospital.

We messaged each other every day and I kept close tabs on her. I sent her massive amounts of ridiculous cat photos and gave her updates from Finn the cat. She didn’t improve at first, but then they altered her meds and she was able to fight it. She shared with me that it scared her that she couldn’t get the fever to go down. After several days, she was released to go home…and she has fully recovered, thank God.

I am friends with several people who have either had Covid-19 or have family members who’ve had it, and all of their accounts are consistent: it is aggressive and it gets a firm hold on you. After seeing what my friend went through as a normally healthy, albeit overweight person, I realized that it would probably grab ahold of me easily if I were exposed.

When they first announced the vaccine was available, I balked. I didn’t want it. I was perfectly happy to wait for others to go first, waiting to see what the long term effects are. It worried me that this vaccine had been created in such a short period of time. I was afraid of making something worse by agreeing to put this thing in my body. Was I going to have damaging side effects from the vaccine? Would I be okay? I have the ability to stay home right now…do I really need it? I can just hole up my house and do grocery store pick up orders for the rest of my life. Why did I need the vaccine?

I decided to spend a little time learning about the vaccine and how it was created. How did it become available so quickly? Were shortcuts taken? What if I have allergies? Will the vaccine put dead Covid19 in my body? What is it made of?

These are all valid questions and I sought my own answers from reputable sources. I believe it is extremely important for each person to make up their own minds about the vaccine, so I will not share the information I found. I will encourage each of you to make a list of the concerns and questions you have regarding the Covid19 vaccine and seek out reputable sources of information to answer them.

For me, seeing my friend struggle with it…it scared me. I thought of Hot Mess Hubby. I thought of suddenly having to go in the hospital and not knowing if I was going to come back out. The quickness that this virus has taken people is disturbing. It was an easy “I’ll wait it out” for me until I saw people close to me struggling. Then it was more real. I’m not ready to leave Hot Mess Hubby or anyone in my family. So I made a list of my questions and started searching reputable sources for the answers.

After careful consideration of my personal circumstances and the information that I’d learned for myself, I decided to put myself on the list for the vaccine. I qualify as part of Phase 1B in the priority for vaccines. It took about 6 weeks to get my first dose. I am now waiting for my second dose, which should happen at the end of the month.

I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth part of Texas and I’m proud to say that the Lone Star State is doing a great job vaccinating our people who want the vaccine. From the time I drove onto the lot to the time I was walking back to the car…30 minutes. Everyone was kind, everything was efficient.

My arm was just slightly sore from the shot, but otherwise I had no side effects whatsoever. This was reassuring to me, as the Shingles vaccine royally kicked my ass. I was expecting to have the same side effects (fever, chills, body aches). With only the first dose under my belt, I am now 80% protected from Covid-19.

I have many friends who got the vaccine before me, several of whom have just received their second dose…and, oh my goodness, the side effects! Most of them are reporting the typical flu-like symptoms for a day or two. Not scary, just not pleasant…and so I am expecting that the second shot will knock me right on my ass. I’ll keep you posted.

Everyone should make their own choices and this was mine. You should make your choices for you and your family. Please be sure to do your own research when making your decisions. I am only sharing what my experience has been because some of you have asked, and I am not endorsing this vaccine for anyone – I am simply sharing the decision that I’ve made for myself. Please do your own research and speak to your doctor or consult the CDC’s website if you have questions about the vaccine.

Above all else, please be careful out there. Wash your hands, practice social distancing, and wear a mask. Let’s get the world back to normal. 🙂

Learning the Lessons We Don’t Want to Learn

General Hoo-Hah, Uncategorized

Facebook Memories is starting be a real pain in the ass. This time last year, I was living my normal life. I had a job I loved, I could travel where I wanted to, and I didn’t know a damn thing about toilet paper shortages and lockdown procedures. Those were the days.

One year later, and I don’t have a normal life…I no longer have that job I loved, I can’t travel where I want to, and I know way too much about Covid-19. I want my normal back…and I know that’s not possible right now.

Every time I look back at a time in my life when I didn’t get something I really wanted…it was because there was something else coming that led me down a better path. Whatever unpleasantness I experienced either put me on a better road or gave me skills that would make me a total badass later. So why doesn’t that make me embrace the changes that I perceive as negative when I know from experience that they’re preparing me for something better? I have no idea.

I recently when after something that I’d lost last year. Something that meant the world to me. Something I wanted desperately back in my life. Instead of success, I was met with roadblocks. The universe has sent me a memo that clearly states I can’t have the thing back right now. I must be patient. I must wait. Apparently, somewhere, there is something else for me to do. And so I have a choice: I can spend all my energy banging my fists against a door that will not open, or I can turn away…walk away…and have a look at what else I can do (until October 1st when the thing might be possible again).

For me, for this time in my life, that is needlework. I’m sure that’s incredibly awful for some of you to read…but that’s just how incredibly uncool I am. I am a social person. I’m a hugger. I’m a cheerleader. I am a passionate lifter-upper of people. You can imagine how difficult living in a pandemic world is for me. I can’t see people. I can’t travel. I can’t go hang out. I can’t spontaneously squeal and hug people. There is a huge part of me that has had to find another way to be…and it’s been extremely difficult.

I turned to needlework when I couldn’t hug, hang out, go to work like a normal human. Giving my hands something to do and my mind something to focus on has gotten me through it. It continues to get me through it. What’s funny is…I always thought I would turn to writing fiction when I had a lot of time on my hands, but that is not the way for me. I tried it. I had the whole “now I finally have time to write that book” moment, but writing makes me think…and then overthink…and then doubt myself…and it brings anxiety during a time that has already brought enough of it. The answer for me is not writing, it’s stitching.

You’re going to see a lot of needlework in my social media feed, peeps. A lot. And a lot of updates on my Couch to 5K training, since I’ve figured out the best way to get in shape for that fabulous trip to London the next time the borders are open is to train my legs to walk a lot. Those are my two projects right now. Stitch and walk. Stitch and walk. Stitch and walk.

How are you getting through the pandemic? Is anyone out there still hating this? Or has everyone snapped into the “new normal”? I really hate that term. I want MY normal back. I know I’ll feel normal again someday…but until then, I will stitch and walk…and stitch and walk…and learn the lessons I don’t want to learn. I have faith that they’re making me a better person.

Alright, that’s enough…

Attitude Adjustment, Battle of the Butt, Get Real!, Get Serious!, Gimme a Break!, Motivation

This year has been unlike any other year of our lives. I’m not sure how yours is going, but as far as I’m concerned 2020 can go straight to hell. Damn! Can we just bury this thing in the yard and move forward? Ugh.

When the pandemic hit, I was blindsided with having to say goodbye to a job I loved at the best company I’ve ever worked for…but, being the scrappy girl I am, I quickly set about making a plan for how I was going to make the most of my time. We all saw how that went. It all tanked. Why? Because I’ve never been through a pandemic before and, well, it turns out I don’t handle isolation and global panic very well. At all.

For the last several months, I’ve been sort of….yessing myself. Don’t want to get dressed today? It’s okay, Dianne. Pandemic happens. Only want to eat chips today? It’s okay, girl. Pandemic happens. Don’t feel like moving off the couch? Hey, it’s a pandemic. Get the picture?

My clothes don’t fit right anymore. The weird funky things that used to happen to me when I only ever ate junk food are coming back…like itchy shins at bed time. I have no idea why that’s a thing for me, but it is. And it’s back. And I just feel GROSS. I feel bigger and I feel gross. And now I’ve realized…in trying to be all “hey, it’s okay” and gentle with myself (I’ve been telling myself it’s self-care to be indulgent), I’ve gained 44.7 pounds back.

That is ridiculous, y’all. I did that. In the name of “self care”. I indulged myself into a weight gain that is anything BUT self care. I neglected myself and told myself it was okay because it’s self care. LOL. I mean…what kind of jacked up thought process is that? Lordy!

So here’s the thing: I don’t want to indulge myself anymore. Clearly, I need to redefine what “self care” means to me before I gain back all of the 132 pounds I lost. But I also know this: self care does not mean to go all boot campy on myself and beat myself into oblivion trying to get rid of the weight I brought back. And it doesn’t mean spending even one second on chiding myself for the decisions I’ve made during one of the shittiest years ever. So what does it mean?

Well, this morning I crawled out of bed and got on the scale to face the consequences of what I’ve been doing. That’s how I know about that magical 44.7 pounds. And I put myself on a 3 day “pouch reset” plan. For gastric sleeve patients, that’s basically going back on liquids. So today I’ll have 3 protein shakes that will give me all the nutrition I need…and I’ll allow myself an iced coffee. My iced coffees don’t have any sugar in them except for literally 1 tablespoon of creamer…so they’re pretty harmless.

Another casualty of this self indulgent lifestyle: my house. It’s a mess. Every room is a mess. So this morning the dishwasher has been running non stop and I’ve put quite a few steps on my Fitbit putting things away and just…behaving like a responsible adult who gives a shit about her home. There have been quite a few times this morning where I’ve had to resist the urge to feel guilty about the state I’ve let everything fall into. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to get super down on myself for all of this, though, because…pandemic. While I no longer believe that laying around and eating crap is okay for me to do, I still say getting negative about what I did is not helpful.

Now that I’ve taken a good look at where I am it’s time to get busy. Not perfect, just busy. I’m not eating one more bit of crap. This might get tricky because there are cookies in my house. Lots of cookies. Christmas cookies. Gingerbread cookies. Shortbread cookies. Yep. Hubby has self control. Me, not so much.

For now, they’ll stay in the house. If I start giving them the side eye then they’ll have to go. But for now they can stay because my resolve to actually take care of myself is much stronger than my desire for a cookie.

I’ll keep updating as I lose the 44.7. We all know I know how to do it. LOL. I’ve done it a few times now, haven’t I? Funny how I thought self care was essentially packing on a bunch of weight so I’d have to work hard all over again. 🙂 That wasn’t self care. Thank God I had the realization before it got worse.

All of this has given me one other idea as well. Usually this time of year has me reviewing how I did with my New Years resolutions. I typically set 5 or 6 for myself and I enjoy checking in and seeing how I did by the end of the year. When I started trying to think of fresh ones for next year, I decided almost instantly that I will set only one resolution for 2021. Only one…and it’s a big one that I didn’t hit this year:

Hit 225 on the scale. That number means something to me. It’s not my goal weight, but it means something. And that will be my sole resolution for 2021.

Wellness Wednesday…What?

Weekly Recap, Wellness

Hey, y’all!

So I missed last Wednesday because, in true Hot Mess fashion, I started writing my blog post…then I got an idea…and then I spent the rest of the day overthinking about it. I know some of you can relate.

Today’s update is more of a “Hey, I’m alive and a bit sidetracked…” post.

I’m about a week and a half into weening myself off of sleep meds. It was a bit of a mental fight to get going on this one, to be honest. I don’t know why. I can say that when it came time to cut the first dose in half, I could feel myself beginning to panic at the mere thought of not being able to sleep. I really tried to bargain with myself about how this is just not the right time to do this. 2020 is awful. Covid. Quarantine. Stress. Not a great time. The fact that I was so emotionally resistant to trying this now made me want to push forward and handle it, not back away. So here I am after a week a half of a half of a dose…and I’m really rather proud of myself.

As for the rest, well…it’s been interesting. After taking some time off for myself, I attempted to tackle my joblessness like I handle assignments at work: attack them with organization, logic, and my larger than life can-do attitude. It turns out, though, that I am not reacting well to that tried and true method. In fact, my emotional side is just outright rebelling.

I decided to put it all on hold again and I retreated back into my pillow fort for a bit. I’m not giving up on any of it, but it became obvious to me fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to get through this the way I handle projects at work. I have a lot of emotion going on right now, most of it over the fact that I don’t have my job anymore…and my absolute worry and fear for the state of our world right now. It’s clear that I need to take a gentler path, and so that’s what I’m working on now.

To add injury to the insult of not being able to just barrel through this, I am back in a fracture boot again. I was really starting to enjoy my morning walks, but I didn’t take into account all of the barefoot walking I was doing around the house. While some of that is good, it’s not a great idea to walk around with no support for your feet when you’re still 100 pounds overweight. TOING!!! Something got tugged in my foot and I’m back in the boot for a few weeks. No more morning walks for now.

Finally…a reality check and an ah-hah moment.

I started off my wellness plans with a lot of focus on food. There was also some focus on moving more, but the main focus was getting my eating back on track. I’m not sure that’s the way I should go with this. When it comes down to it, I’ve already lost more than 130 pounds from nutritional changes. I’ve got that shit down. My real challenges come because I do everything in my power to avoid exercise – and so that is where I feel I should place my focus. Dig? I bet you do. Right now I have to let my foot heal, but when I come back from that I will focus more on moving more…and less on what I’m eating. That’s my reality check.

The ah-hah moment came just the other day when I was spending time in the rabbit hole that is Tik Tok. I’m swiping through videos and I land on one that had me all…WHOA! Basically, this therapist said that if you have some kind of negative behavior that you’re trying to work on you should picture it like a monster and give it a name. For example, I think this one person said her negative habit is called Brad…and he wears pastel shorts and is quite douchy. She made him a man because she would NEVER let a man tell her what to do, so this helps her. LOL.

I found it interesting because I do tend to regard my issues with overeating and exercise avoidance as some kind of personal defect that makes me less of a good person. I know that’s not correct, but I can’t help how I feel. So the idea that I treat these thoughts and behaviors as a monster that just happens to live with me helps me feel like I’m much more able to put this bitch in her place when she acts up. I don’t need to spend time blaming myself or asking why…I just step into protective mode and shove the monster away from me. I love this idea, but I have to think about it more and really take some time to explore it. And probably overthink about it, let’s be honest.

So that’s where I am with all of this…and I knew if I didn’t stop and give an update I’d be waiting another week to check in. I’m learning things about myself every day…and I hope you do too. Now please…if you’re out in the world, stay safe…keep your distance from others and wash your hands. Be kind to everyone – starting with yourself.

See you next week!

Adjusting the Sails

Mindset, Motivation, Wellness, , ,

Hey, y’all! It’s Wellness Wednesday, so let’s get to it.

2020 seems determined to teach me some serious lessons. I am consistently being taught that my normal methods for attacking any problem are not going to work in 2020…and so I need to rethink every strategy I’ve ever used in my life. Whatever, 2020…I’m so over you at this point.

The truth is…I’m sad. I am still sad over having to leave my job, even though I took a package to save my benefits and wasn’t just arbitrarily shown the door. It still hurts to be away from the absolute best job I’ve ever had and all the amazing people that made it a great place to work. With my head, I want to move on…I want to push forward, but my heart is not making it possible. My heart is broken and my motivation and focus is just not where it needs to be for much of anything.

I had planned on an organized approach to all the plans I’ve made now that I have some time to myself. That’s what I always do. It has not worked, nor has it felt like the right thing to do as I go about trying to focus on the tasks at hand. I thought a week and a half was an appropriate amount of time to let myself do whatever I wanted before I planned out all my days and headed towards my new goals. It’s not. My heart just isn’t in much of it. My heart is still heavy and I am torn between pushing myself to move forward or letting myself have a little more time to grieve.

What’s the answer? At this point, I’m not sure – but I have a new approach to try, so that’s what I’m going to do. This week and next, I plan to stick to the same goals and plans…but give myself more time. I will not be as regimented as I thought I should be. So here’s an update of where I am in my wellness plans and what I intend to do over the next week:

  • I’ve lost 4 quarantine pounds this week.
  • I struggle with motivation in taking my morning walk and doing yoga every morning, so I’m changing that from daily to every other day…at least until I feel motivated to do more.
  • I struggle with wanting to eat junk food all day. I haven’t given in to that, but I think it will be helpful to me to go on a protein shake only regimen for a few days next week.
  • I haven’t even begun to tackle the insomnia issue, except for beginning to reduce my caffeine intake. I’m starting to feel like might be smarter to just tackle the Ambien detox sooner rather than later. I haven’t made up my mind yet.
  • I still struggle with practicing meditation as much as I wanted to.
  • My creative goals, which I haven’t even shared the details of yet, are pushing at me constantly…and my energy is drawn to those projects first. I feel like I should allow that to happen, which is why the idea of doing the Ambien detox earlier also appeals to me.

I feel like this is a rather underwhelming Wellness Wednesday post, but can we just take a minute to acknowledge those 4 pounds I lost? It feels good to see that number on the scale creeping back down to where it should be.

For me, in order to move forward with any kind of purposeful momentum, my head and my heart need to be in sync. They’re not right now. And no matter how many motivational memes I read or post on Facebook, my head and my heart are still not aligned. So I must adjust my sails and be content with gently coasting around the sea right now…until I’m ready for a stronger current.

This next week will be more about not heaping a long list of expectations on myself and more about making smaller changes. Later this week, I’ll be back with an update on ALL the plans I’ve been making…but today is Wellness Wednesday, so we’re talking about that project and no others.

I do plan to blow up the dam that’s been keeping my creativity at bay for years. That will certainly be interesting, so stay tuned…and be kind to yourself today. You deserve it.