I’m over it, y’all. Just tell me what I need to do…I’m ready to do it. I am masked up, my hands are dry from washing them all the time, I am triple vaxed…and I am freaking over this whole pandemic.
I can’t believe it’s been two years. We have lived in a Covid twilight zone for two effing years! I should be in London right now. I had the trip all planned out and booked…and then the new variant made everyone crazy and new restrictions happened. I cancelled the trip. This is the 3rd year in a row that I have missed seeing the Christmas lights in London, which I dearly love to do.
Today is a big day for someone in my family. They have medical news coming and we all need it to be good news. It’s not a life or death diagnosis yet, but this person’s entire life has been upheaved…and ours as well since we are supporting them…and today we all need some good news. Our family member needs to have their normal back. And so do we.
Normal. What is that even? After two years of this BS, I’m not sure what normal looks like anymore. But I need it. And I miss it. And I feel lost without it.
I’m sitting here missing my normal…lamenting the fact that I’m not in London right now…and worrying about the family member and what we’ll hear today…when I open my desk drawer and see a bag of World’s Best Tasting Gummies that I’d forgotten all about. These things are freaking delicious, y’all. They’re an indulgence. They make me happy. And when I saw the bag, well…I nearly cried. Seriously. My chin actually quivered. Over freaking GUMMY BEARS. That is how much I need something good…ANYTHING good…to happen right now, my friends.
I nearly cried over gummy bears. What the actual fuck.
I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had a moment to stitch and there’s nothing that helps my mental health more than pulling a needle and thread through fabric. But there’s light at the end of the tunnel…especially if we get good news today.
So I’m just putting this out there for everyone right now: hang in there. Some days you’ll walk around this earth like you own the place. Everything will go your way and you’ll feel invincible. Other days you’ll cry over gummy bears.
It’s gonna be okay. You go ahead and cry over those gummy bears. They’re freaking delicious.
Today is about gratitude and finding purpose, which may be surprising given my current situation.
I am jobless and heartbroken. I’m afraid, not just for myself and my husband because I’ve lost my job, but for the world and the scary place it is right now. I’m worried because my husband has a medical issue that doctors are still running tests for…searching for an answer. I feel like a bad daughter, sister, aunt, and friend because I have been so overwhelmed with what has been happening in my own life that I’ve been unable to be the Dianne everyone knows and expects. There is a dent in my armor…and I have landed flat on my ass from the blow that the universe has dealt me.
Everyone gets knocked down once in a while. Everyone. First, there’s the impact of the fall…then maybe a bounce or two.
Ouch! That just happened, didn’t it? Damn it…
You lay there, stunned.
Why me? Why now? Oh no! What do I do?
Get up. Just…get up. If you have to claw and crawl your way back up, then do it. If you have others around you to help you up, accept it willingly. Whatever your situation, get up. It may take you time to get up. You may have to work out the best way to get your footing, but you will work it out. Call for help if you need to. If you don’t have friends or family, you have resources like these. Find your footing and get up.
Give it a minute. In today’s social media driven world, every influencer would have you believe they bounce right back up after a setback and immediately go back to work (with perfectly coiffed hair to boot). Don’t compare your life to someone’s perfect looking Instagram feed. Take a minute.
Stand up. Let your legs stop wobbling and catch your breath. The hard ground that your butt just landed on is already farther away than it was when you fell. Good for you. Take a breath. Be gentle with yourself. Resist the urge to think yourself stupid or point the blame at someone. You can look at the WHY later when you’re not feeling so hurt. For now, this is enough.
This is exactly where I am right now. I was knocked on my ass. I felt the impact. I was hurt by the fall. The love and support of my friends and family was like a thousand hands helping me back up…and now I stand. My legs were wobbly at first. This week, I’ve been taking the time I need to acknowledge that this is where the universe has led me.
Thanks to that pause, I can feel my feet under me again.
For me, gratitude is a miracle balm for any wound. Whether you’re dealing with too much stress, recovering from physical injury, or life just knocked you flat on your ass…find the gratitude. It’s there, I promise. Gratitude can help you reframe your situation from one that is dire and uncertain to one of possibility and hope.
I am jobless and heartbroken. I have the free time I need to focus on things I haven’t had time for.
I am afraid of the turmoil our world is in today. I have the opportunity to pitch in and help make a difference in the world.
I am worried for my husband and his health. I can now focus on being an advocate for him and giving him the extra care he doesn’t give himself.
I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to be there for my loved ones, as my own situation has been overwhelming. I can accept my own humanity, give myself the grace to be vulnerable and imperfect, and accept love and empathy from others.
Ever the geek, I’m reminded of a line from JRR Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” when the Fellowship is lost in the deep, dark caves of Moria. Frodo looks at Gandalf and says he wishes none of this had happened. Gandalf replies “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
I can use my energy to blame Covid-19, flail my arms up in frustration and wonder why this has happened, or sit on the couch and eat chili cheese Fritos until I am one with my yoga pants. None of that is going to do any good. It may feel good in the moment but it does not help me, and it will not bring about the things I need most: healing, closure, and new purpose.
I’ve taken a minute and caught my breath. There’s still an ache from the fall, but I’ve brushed off the gravel and tightened up my shoelaces. I’ve been making lists and plans. Where the pain of the fall once encompassed me, now the light of possibility is before me. All I have to do is step forward and move towards it.
I’ve neglected this blog for quite some time, so I’ll pay attention to some things that need fixing: dusting off the cobwebs, fixing broken links and making some long overdue updates. This is always where I’ve shared my journey, and I have a ton of new plans now…so I hope you’ll follow along and keep me company.
For now, I step forward onto my new path in gratitude. Life is full of lessons, losses, and possibilities. I’m ready to explore again.