Tag Archives: Saint Bernard

Reasons My Son Photobombs Everything

We don’t have “normal” kids. Otherwise this blog would be filled with stories of my Hot Mess children. Instead, we have two incredibly large dogs who are loaded with personality and love. And a little drool. So when Momma Kat handed out the blog memes this week and I saw this one, I knew I had to do it.


If you haven’t heard of the “Reasons My Son Is Crying” tumblr page, it’s basically a Mom being creative and using tumblr as a sort of therapy/venting tool to laugh about the roller coaster existence you have when you have a toddler in your life. I was most inspired to create my own version of it…but my son isn’t human…and the only time he cries is when someone eats a piece of pizza too close to the crust and he thinks he’s not going to get any.

My son is a 1/2 English Sheep Dog, 1/2 Saint Bernard, 130 pound Hot Mess puppy dog. Named Dyson. Yes…he’s named after a vacuum cleaner (so is my daughter Kirby, the 100% pure bred Saint Bernard with a fetish for stealing hamburger buns).

Dyson wears many hats in our family. Playmate for Kirby. Protector of the family. Arch nemesis to Sarah the cat. Turd burglar. And now…photobomber.

Here is Dyson in all his big, brown-eyed, muppet dog glory:

My big ball of love
My big ball of love



















By the way, for those of you who haven’t heard the term “photobomb”, it’s basically the word used to describe what happens when someone is taking a picture or video and someone else ducks in at the last minute and steals the focus. Sometimes it’s on purpose and sometimes it’s not, but the results are usually pretty funny.

Here are a few examples:

Mr Seal photobombing the penguins


No, that’s not me back there. Shut up.


You get the idea…

Anyway, I was in California last weekend, and one of the things on my “to do” list was to show Mom how to use the webcam on her new computer. After I created desktop shortcuts for her email and YouTube accounts (she watches Englebert Humperdink videos online…I’m not even making that shit up), I set up Skype. I had Hot Mess Hubby call us on webcam. Not only did she get to see how it works, but she got to visit with her incredibly scruffy son-in-law for a while as well. Two birds, one stone. Everyone wins. Except me because, as you’ll see in the photo below, I have to kiss a beard with a face under it.

So…in the middle of our webcam visit, Dyson hears my voice. We couldn’t see him, but apparently he was looking everywhere for me. He could hear me, of course, but he couldn’t find me. And then it happened.


Momma? Why I can't smell you?
Momma? Why I can’t smell you?

Mom and I were cracking up. It was adorable in a thousand ways I just can’t describe. Out of nowhere, this giant muppet head floats into view…and when he sees me on the screen, he tilts his head curiously and launches himself at my laptop. (I came home last night to find a giant spot of dried drool on the screen of my beloved laptop.) He was giving me kisses.

He just wanted his Momma. True to his personality, he inserted himself where he needed to be in order to find me. And get kisses.

I seem to bring out the kissy monster in this boy. He was just a 3 month old, 35 pound puppy when I met him at St Cloud’s Rescue. He was wearing the Cone of Shame and I was sitting on the grass waiting to see which puppies took an interest in me. He waddled right up to me, shoved the Cone of Shame over my head, and kissed me in the face. Between that and his adorable chubby butt, it didn’t take too long for me to fall in love.

Since then, Dyson has led a very pampered, spoiled life. If he was a human, his last name would be Kardashian. Think about it: long hair, big brown eyes, huge badonka-donk. Plus, he’s not the sharpest pencil in the box. Total Kardashian.

In his defense, though, he has a huge heart full of love – and he would never make a sex tape. My boy’s got class. He’s a snuggly, farty, unruly mess of love and devotion. He’s ever vigilant, never far away, and God forbid if I’m writing and he thinks I should be paying attention to him. He photobombs my laptop.

Momma...it's time for kisses and belly rubs.
Momma…it’s time for kisses and belly rubs.






















And what do I do about it?

I close the laptop, pat the cushion next to me, and let him flop his giant ass up on the couch. Many sweet nothings are whispered, many belly rubs are given.

Anything for my rescue puppy…who really rescued me. I can’t wait to see what he photobombs next.

My boy...helping me get rid of the menstrual cramps
My boy…helping me get rid of the menstrual cramps

















Please consider donating to St Cloud’s Rescue. There’s a donate button on their website.

What silly behaviors do your pets do? Tell me. 🙂


Hey y’all!

I’m ready!  I am eff’in ready.  My goal isn’t just to get through Halloween…or even the holiday season…without over indulging.  My goal is to get to New Year’s Eve 15 pounds lighter than I am today.  I may be a Hot Mess…but I’m also a bit of a badass.  I can totally do this!











I may make some additional updates to my blog so that my status updates are all in one place for this project, but for right now I’m just going to blog them.  My weight tracker is on the top right corner of this page (on my blog’s home page if you’re reading this via email).  My starting weight is 338 pounds.  (If you’re new here, you should know that’s down 43 pounds from where I started…badass!)

As a little side project, I decided to see how many push-ups I can do.  If I stand about a foot and a half away from the wall and do them against the wall, I did 10 of them before I realized I wasn’t going to be able to lift my arms at work tomorrow if I continued.  I totally get all Rocky Balboa on myself when I have a goal, so I had to reign it in just a little bit.  Even now as I sit at the coffee table and write this on my laptop, my arms are feel’in it.

I’ve had a hella busy weekend and I didn’t get everything done that I needed, so I’ve had to make some sacrifices.  For example, my house is still a mess…but I’ve gotten everything done that I needed for this challenge.  Well, parts of the house are clean – but it’s like I cleaned with A.D.D. or something.  There isn’t one room that’s totally done.  There are pockets of clean and mess everywhere.  It’s kind of pissing me off that I can’t clone myself and get more done.

I blame the Hot Mess Hubby and the fur persons for my lack of organization this weekend, actually.  The Hubs, although very sweet & cuddly (and sometimes farty), was doing a lot of “C’mere babe!” this weekend.  “C’mere babe!” is Hot Mess Hubby code for cuddle up on the couch and watch 3 episodes of Burn Notice with me so I don’t have to feel guilty about all the cleaning you’re doing.  Yep.  I said that shit.

Kirby also has a way of getting us to do what she wants whether we want to or not.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of being owned by a Saint Bernard, I can tell you that they’re incredible dogs…but they can be very stubborn and quite insistent when they want something.  In Kirby’s case this weekend, she was miffed that I disappeared with Dyson on Saturday morning.  I took him to the vet…but she imagined we were off at the dog park, frolicking in the woods without her.  As a result, I spent a lot of the weekend with her giant head in my lap.  It’s best to just give in when she wants attention.  I can’t say no to her big brown eyes…look at this:

This photo was taken during an actual guilt trip in progress.















As if Kirby wasn’t enough, Caesar the cat made my daily chores hell today.  Little Mr. Crabby Tabby wouldn’t let me make the bed.  For some reason, he goes into crazy-ass mode when I start putting new sheets on the bed.  In fact, in comparing notes with the Hubs today we discovered that Caesar only pulls this shit for me.  I would be mad, but I think it’s his way of helping…because now I can make the Hubs change the bedding.  “What, babe?  I can’t do it…Caesar only freaks out for me.”

Seems legit.

Bring it, Momma!















So I did the best I could, but I still have laundry to do…and dishes to do…but it’s almost 9 pm and I’m all for kicking back with a good book for the rest of the night. This reminds me…

Upcoming project: my own meditation space. Won’t that be fun!

I’m an insomniac who can barely even get sleep on prescription sleep meds. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m having nightmares almost every night, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m thinking increased exercise and a nice quiet, comfy space to do some relaxation/meditation before bed might be just the thing. What do y’all think? Am I starting to sound too much like a hippy? What would you do if you were having sleep problems?

Upcoming recipe: caramel walnut apples.  A lighter (not tasteless diet grossness) version of a caramel apple.  I’m hoping to get that done by Saturday.

I’m looking forward to enjoying the fun part of Halloween and not letting the food demons control me.  Let’s have some fun, y’all!  What are your plans?