There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I’m leaving you. It’s over.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I think I’ve finally grown up a little…because the cheap thrill of turning to you for comfort & solace is no longer enough for me. Sure, it’s fun for a while – but after a few hours, I’m left feeling sick to my stomach…like when I went on that blind date with Carl the copy boy.

I’m angry, too, for the way I’ve let you rule my life for so long. This is such an unhealthy relationship. One of us has to end it now or I’m not going to live through it. And you? You’ll go on as you always have: luring in more stressed & harried victims with that tasty looking facade you’re so good at showing off. Sorry, sweet cheeks, but good looks alone are not enough for me. Not anymore.

I can’t live with a one-sided relationship. You’ve had a hold on me for so long…and all it’s gotten me is a bad case of self loathing and 3 extra asses. Do you know how hard it is to lug all these asses around with me all day? I’ve had it. It’s just not worth it anymore.

I’d love to give you back all the “gifts” you’ve ever given me, but it turns out it’s not easy to give back the arm flab, cankles, and back fat you’ve bestowed upon me. You’re such a jerk. It’s too bad I don’t burn extra calories for kicking your ass to the curb, you loser.

Don’t bother begging me to stay because it’s not going to work. There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. I’ve given you everything I have and it’s gotten me absolutely nowhere. So the next time I see you, please don’t even try it. You’re dead to me.

You’ve dimpled my thighs for the last time, you bastard!