Buried Treasure

More housekeeping for me tonight, I’m afraid. I was organizing the bedroom closet…but that’s not the only housekeeping I need to take care of. I have some housekeeping info for you!

First, I’m happily reporting that the time clock on my site is now working. So if you post at 5 pm, it won’t say that you posted at 4 am. 🙂 Thanks for pointing that out, Carla!

Second, I’ve been using my Facebook fan page and my Twitter account to give little mini updates through the day…not to mention cry for help when I need reinforcing. These are things you don’t see here on the blog, so if you would like to get more Hot Mess, please use the Facebook and Twitter links on the right and let’s connect!

Third, I’ve posted pictures of the crepes in the crepe recipe. I’m not a great photographer. And the warm crepe was melting the redi whip pretty fast…it was all sliding into ugliness when I snapped the pick. But, damn howdy, that sucker was TASTY! Go to the recipes tab and check out the crepes. 🙂

So…on to the housecleaning. While trying to organize my beloved assortment of handbags, I found buried treasure. Y’all may remember…I’m a handbag ho. (Click here for the full story) There are many in my closet and they are all fabulous.

As I was raising the pink Dooney & Burke and placing it on a shelf with loving care, something shiny caught my eye. (Part raccoon, remember?) I’m always super careful about emptying my handbags before I stuff them with paper and place them back on the shelf, but I missed this somehow. When I opened the bag and looked inside, I found the weight loss charm.

Yes…the weight loss charm.

Last year, I was actually so mortified that this thing existed that I had to write a blog post about it. It’s on the old blog that I took out of publication after I got this shiny new site, so we can’t go back to the past…but I can bring the archive to life for a day. Behold, a piece of my history…written September 2009:

Oh, ladies & gentlemen…I have found it! I’ve found the solution to weight loss!!!

It’s true! Scientists, doctors, psychics, and personal trainers are afraid of this most useful tool that I’ve just received in today’s mail…they’re afraid because if everyone knows about the amazing power this tool holds, they’ll be out of business FOREVAH!!!!

We are the fattest nation in the world right now and y’all know I’ve done my fair share of contributing to those numbers. I am carrying enough extra weight to equal at least TWO of the Jonas Brothers. Truth. (Although I probably sing better…)

Today, however, I write on this blog with new confidence. Today I finally hold the answer in my hand that will allow me to lose this weight once and for all.

For years, I’ve foolishly believed that if I just stop eating preservative and sugar laden CRAP and get back to healthy eating I’ll lose the weight. I’ve believed that I need to reduce my buffalo wing intake and increase my carrot stick intake. I’ve believed that I need to stop playing video games with the hubby and get out and walk instead.

Pfft! Bullshit!!! I am so happy to report this to you! It’s all bullshit!

My friends…behold, the solution to weight loss: the genuine handcrafted all natural gemstone weight loss charm!

As I type this, I am reminded of the partially eaten bag of tasty pizza rolls in our freezer downstairs. Hmm… And it’s been a while since I’ve eaten my own freshly baked, truly fabulous Texas Cow Chips cookies…from scratch. Perhaps I can let loose on those tonight. Why worry? I have this weight loss charm! Screw learning how to read nutrition labels and increasing my exercise…this baby is gonna prove all that to be absolute crap!

…..

……..

Okay, maybe not. 🙂 Why did I order such a ridiculous thing? Honestly, I did it because I just couldn’t believe it. I laughed my butt off (I wish!) when I saw it in a catalog and I thought…okay…fine…I’m taking this baby for a test drive.

It royally pisses me off that merchants prey on people’s desire to do anything to lose weight. (Yes, I realize I became part of the problem when I bought one but I’m trying to prove a point here!) I fell into the Phen-Fen trap, the Metabolife trap, and a million other traps. There is no substitute for HARD WORK. There is no magic pill that’s going to make you lose weight if you’re not ready to do it for yourself. And I’m willing to try using this gem to show you just that. 🙂

Now…there were no directions that came with this mystical device, so I’m going to have to figure this one out by myself. For now, I’ve secured the little gem to my lunch bag that I take to work with me. I figure the closer it is to the food I’m eating, the more it’s mystical powers can work their magical spell, yes? You agree with me…I can feel it!

So let’s see what this bad boy does, shall we? No doubt I’ll wake up at the end of the week just SWIMMING in my jammies, ready to wiggle into the next size down, so incredibly grateful that I had the wisdom to plunk down the cash for this amazing chunk of wonderment.

You’ll see. 😉

Later that month…

Hmm…

It’s Saturday and I must admit, I was a little taken aback this morning when I got on the scale and it hadn’t budged an ounce. Normally, I would not expect to lose any weight this week at all since I ate cake and then ate fast food once, but I have that weight loss charm so…things should be great. Why, then, did I wake up with this gnawing suspicion that perhaps success will evade me once again when I get on the scale tomorrow?

I really thought that I would wake up and feel a little smaller…a little lighter…something. It’s the morning before the big day…you’d think I would see SOME kind of result by now. Instead, I’m just feeling like the same old me…weight loss charm or not. Could it be that this charm is really not a charm and just an overpriced rock that I got suckered into? No, surely not. No way.

Kevin and I had pizza for dinner last night because we were both too tired to cook. I’m not too worried about it, though, because I waved the charm over the entire pie and then I sprinkled parmesan cheese OVER the charm so that it touched the charm on its way down to the pizza. If waving the charm over the pizza wasn’t enough, surely touching the parmesan with it was a mark of true genius.

I’m sure I have nothing to worry about…I’m just talking out loud. We’ll all see tomorrow how amazing this charm really is. I can’t wait. 🙂

Sometime after that, it got clipped to the inside of the Dooney and left in my closet. Hmm…perhaps I need to carry it around with me and see if its mystical powers have awoken? Hmm…exxxxxcellent.

4 thoughts on “Buried Treasure

  1. Surely it must be defective! I would send it back along with a strongly worded letter and demand a refund 🙂

    1. LOL Wouldn’t that be something? “Dear Sir, I have failed to lose any weight with your weight loss charm. I would appreciate a prompt refund, as it’s Girl Scout cookie season. Thank you!” Hehehehe!

  2. I’ve got it! You clip the rock to a necklace and chew on it whenever hunger hits! Overtime, you grind your teeth to nubs making it virtually impossible to eat anything solid and the dress sizes just disappear!……..No?

    We’ve all fallen for the quick fix at least once. I was a Metabolife junky myself for a week or so. Then the heart palpitations started and I thought, “Hmm this doesn’t feel right..” I once went to a “Wrap Party” 50 miles from our hometown with my best friend so that she could be wrapped in what can only now be described as glorified saran wrap, stuck on a treadmill for 45 mins and guaranteed AT LEAST a 10-20 pound weight loss by the time we left. Long story short, we left after it was over and went to lunch at Olive Garden. 😉

    1. OMG, Allison…I remember Metabolife! I also remember Fen Phen…or Phen Fen, however it went. All I know is that I was so wired…the first day I took it, I cleaned my whole apartment and was still up at 2 am…cleaning the crevices of my vacuum cleaner with a frigg’in q-tip. Crazy.

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