I’m back. I’ve survived another visit to the creepy podiatrist…and I am cast-free. Thank you!
Dr. Creepy has decided that I don’t have to wear the soft cast on my foot for the final week of my healing process – as long as I promise not to walk on it a lot. Or tap dance. I agree. I never want to wear that clicky, wobbly, Velcro monstrosity again.
So congratulations, me, on making it through my sixth stress fracture. Surely there’s some kind of badge or medal for this.
Now that I’m cast-free, I’m walk’in on the wild side. For the past several weeks, I’ve been deep in thought over whether I should join a gym. I hate gyms, really. Remember my last gym experience? Yeah, it’s not for me – but neither are stress fractures. I need to get my hands on (err, feet actually) a very low…or almost no…impact means of working out. That means one of three options: recumbent bike, swimming pool, or elliptical trainer.
The few remaining shreds of dignity that I have left require me to shun the recumbent bike. SHUN IT!! If you’ve ever been or are currently obese or (my favorite) morbidly obese, you probably already know what I’m talking about. For those of you who aren’t, I’ll be happy to explain.
Picture this: you lumber your obese body into the gym and sit down on the recumbent bike. You put your feet on the pedals in front of you and start to pedal. What happens? Your legs are pumping at the pedals – which is a very good thing – but the tops of your thighs are also bumping up against all that glorious fat on your mid-section. Oh, yes, it’s awesome – especially for girls with big boobs like me – because every pump of my legs sends my gut jiggling up, causing my boobs to ricochet off my gut and clock me under the chin. Cha-POW!!! So glamorous at the gym. And they wonder why more fat people don’t go.
I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. The recumbent bike is a self-esteem suck fest. You should have seen the look on my face when Hot Mess Hubby wanted to buy me a regular non-stationary recumbent bike so that we could ride bikes together on the path behind our house. He doesn’t understand the world of a fat person, certainly. I got all squeaky and Dr. Seuss on him.
I will not ride it at the gym, I will not ride it drinking gin, I will not ride it on the path, and shut up now or feel my wrath!
I’m actually serious. I’ve never had gin. And, obviously, I’m not a very good poet.
So the recumbent belly-boob-bounce house is out.
What’s next…swimming pool? Are you on drugs? No. Just no. Even if they let me wear shorts and a t-shirt in the pool. No. Even if I could wear a turtleneck and jeans in the pool. No.
That leaves the elliptical machine. And, since Hot Mess Hubby & I are on a Hot Mess Budget, that means the gym. There’s no way around it…we simply can’t afford to buy an expensive piece of gym equipment for the house.
The elliptical trainer and I have a bittersweet history. If you’ve ever been on one, you probably know what I mean. They kick me right in the booty. The first time I ever tried one, I was regularly walking 45 minutes a day at a pretty good clip and considered myself quite the badass for it. Got on the elliptical…lasted 9 minutes, after which I was huffing and puffing like, well…a fat girl.
Granted, the elliptical trainer makes you work much harder than regular walking. That’s a plus. I just wish it didn’t have to humble me in the process. But when it comes to low impact, this is the most logical choice for me. Makes me work harder, isn’t as hard on my feet. Win-win.
I finally decided on Lady of America fitness clubs. It’s the best decision for me. It’s on the way home from work. In fact, it’s on the street I drive down to get to my house…so I have no excuse not to go. If I go home first, I’ll be too distracted by all of life’s other crap. I have a plan that works for me: I change clothes at work so I’m ready to go to the gym. I drive home. I pull into the gym parking lot and go work out. Then I go home and take care of everything else.
The only thing that would make this more perfect is if I was a naturally fit person who didn’t need to workout…but apparently God thought this would be much more fun. 🙂
So how am I doing? How long can I last on the elliptical? I’ll tell you very soon. For now, tell me how you solve your fitness problems. What challenges do you face and how do you overcome them?
When you share you help yourself, but you’re also helping others who will read your comments and identify with your struggles. So give it your best shot. I’m listening!
The absolute best body scrub ever…I use it in the shower after the gym. Just smelling the stuff makes me relaxed and less angry that I have to work off all this weight. 🙂