It’s 8 pm Texas time on this Tuesday night and I find myself (finally) home alone…in front of a keyboard calling my name.

Writing time is scarce nowadays and I don’t like that. Hot Mess Hubby works a weird schedule and now we have Hot Mess Niece staying with us. I find it increasingly difficult to write when either one of them is home because I’m constantly distracted by “Babe! Come look how cute he (Dyson the dog) is…”  For the 100th time. It’s true, he is 130 pounds of adorable muppet dog – but c’mon. I wonder what HMH would have been like had we been lucky enough to have human children.

“Babe! Come look!! The baby just puked on the carpet and it looks like Jesus…I think it’s a sign!!!”

Perhaps it’s best that we’re parents to furry kids instead.

My office at home does have a door on it, but with Kirby the dog still using the room as her primary residence during recovery from knee surgery almost 3 months ago I’m unable to shut it. She wouldn’t hear of it. In fact, she’s been fond of reminding us lately that she’s not really fooled by the $10 baby gate we use to barricade her in the office. She stays in here because she knows that’s what we want and she’d rather die than disappoint us.

She has 2 more weeks to go before she regains her freedom and can roam the house as she used to. She’s getting stronger every day – and even though I don’t see her roughhousing with Dyson anytime soon, she does have her moments. We’ve been letting her out into the living room on weekends but, just to show her who’s boss, we put her on the leash and tie the other end to our giant coffee table. Dr’s orders, really. She’s not to be allowed to move around a lot. She’s to rest. Unless Hot Mess Niece comes home with a bag of food…and then she won’t hesitate to drag the entire giant-ass coffee table clear across the living room in order to get to that bag of burgers.

Knee surgery? What knee surgery?

Our girl is ready to get back to business and that’s a very good thing.

There is so much going on right now. I’ve recently been promoted at work. HMH is training for a bike race that will take him from one end of the Lone Star state to the other. I finally hit 299 pounds…that was an awesome effing day. I haven’t even had time to write about it. It seems like the more weight I lose the busier I get. Why? More energy. More flexibility. More everything.

A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was tired of staring at our ugly hallway (it’s been three different colors for about three years now) and I grabbed the ladder and started painting. Because I’m no longer too heavy to get on a ladder. Because I’m a badass.

I need to find a rhyme and reason for my projects, though. Right now I just sort of drift in and out of “OMG I’m gonna do this!” and “OMG I have no time for anything!” And then there’s the needlework project I’ve been working on/procrastinating over for well over ten years. The State Fair of Texas opens this fall and I’m determined to have it finished and entered in the needlework competition. Where will I find the time?

And then there’s the not-so-fun things…like the bizarre pain attacks I’ve had lately. The first one hit last Saturday and felt like the fart from hell, although there was no fart. It started out as a gas pain, or so I thought, but it just kept building and building until I was gasping for air and struggling to get to the bedroom so that I could collapse on the bed. I was home alone and quite freaked out.

The second one happened five days later…at work. Boy, was that fun. Thank God I have a calm and collected co-worker who didn’t freak out when I said “Hey, don’t panic or anything but I’m going to get on the floor for a few minutes…” Another co-worker who was passing through wasn’t so lucky. She caught a glimpse of my head on the floor and gasped “Oh my God!!!” I was okay within 5 minutes, but it was enough to get me to email my nutritionist with a “Hey, WTF is this crap?” email.

My gallbladder is the #1 suspect. Gallbladder problems are common in weight loss surgery patients. So I called my doctor and got an appointment for the next day. They took some blood, which I found out today is just fine. Nothing weird about it. This morning I had a complete abdominal ultrasound. Now I wait some more. Whatever it is, I’ll deal with it. I just have this perpetual fear of ending up in an episode of House. You know…like I end up with some rare condition caused by a chemical reaction between the top I’m wearing and the tube of Chapstick I just bought. And the only way to cure me is to run a tube up my butt and out my left ear.

So yeah…I have a lot going on right now – including a new project called “50 feats before 50” that I’ll talk more about soon. Until then, I continue to drive the Facebook fans nuts with nonsensical status updates. If you’re one of those folks who doesn’t want to broadcast their whole life on Facebook but you’re feeling left out, do what my crazy ass buddy does: create a profile that’s complete and utter crap. Let me give you a few fake names to get the creative ball rolling…

Seymour Butts (okay, maybe that one’s a bit obvious)

Tits McGee

Tiffany Von Flugerflickle

Gus Farkle

Shelly Smellyvag

Well…you get the idea. Enjoy creating a complete crap profile and then come hang out with us on my Facebook fan page. It’s awesome.

And now it’s time for me to hit the hay. Brain recharging time, kids. I promise to come around more often. This whole blog post was really about me bitch’in and moan’in about meaningless crap. Next time I promise to tell you about 299 day. 🙂

Promise.