Y’all…this is nuts. In a good way. I’m probably about to use A SHIT TON of words, so I apologize in advance…but there’s just no short way to share all this. Grab a cuppa and sit your ass down with me.

If you’ve been a fan of my blog for a few years, you know I had gastric sleeve surgery five and a half years ago. There are plenty of people who look at bariatric surgery as the easy way out. I was one of them not too many years before I had a change of heart. I could use all the words in the universe to explain the pros and cons of bariatric surgery, but that’s not what this blog post is about today…so I won’t. I will just say this: having surgery is not a guarantee that you will lose weight or keep it off. In order to do that you have to change a lot about your life…mostly the behaviors that led you to be so overweight in the first place (which starts the debate of “Well, if you can do that why do you need surgery?”). We’ll talk about that another time.

I had sleeve surgery in November of 2013. It was an experience of a lifetime for a lot of reasons, but it was also heartbreaking in many ways. Most patients are about 100-ish pounds overweight. I was nearly 200 pounds overweight. At 398 pounds I was rapidly squeezing my way out of a size 34. The elastic waistband on the hideous polyester pants I wore to work were leaving red welts on my skin by the time I got home. I was pre-diabetic. My doctor had put me on high blood pressure medication…and just taking a shower had me out of breath. Surgery changed my life in miraculous ways, but after a year the weight loss slowed down (as it usually does for everyone). I had lost 131 pounds and then everything just sort of…petered out.

Although I was so happy with my success and had so much more energy with 131 fewer pounds on me, I had grown used to getting attention for my ability to shrink so quickly. It wasn’t long before people stopped asking me if I’d lost any more weight. Glances were stolen at my plate during office potlucks and family gatherings. People around me were silently trying to figure out what was going on without actually asking. That was the heartbreaking part. I was barely squeezing into a size 20, which was awesome on many levels, but I wasn’t done yet. I didn’t want to be done. I wanted to keep going. But I also felt myself losing steam. I didn’t know how to get going again.

So I fizzled out in late 2014. I tried to focus on the joys that I’d achieved. I’d lost 131 pounds. I’d dropped 8 sizes in clothes. I’d lost over a foot off my waist. There was a lot to be thankful for, but the sniff of failure was always lurking in the back of my mind. Was I ever going to get to my goal weight? I still had a hundred pounds to go. How would I get there?

While I was floundering around, I got caught up in the fun of life…which is another miracle. I started to travel. I fully embraced my addiction to needlework. I had so much more energy…there was a lot to do, and plenty to keep me busy and distracted from the fact that I wasn’t losing any more weight.

Then it seems like I blinked and it was 2019…and OMG…I’d gained 20 of those 131 pounds back. What the hell?

I am many things, and one of those things is STUBBORN. I was not going to be one of those people who gained all their weight back after surgery. So…I turned to something that’s helped me reconnect in the past: something called a “pouch reset”. I have no idea why it’s called a pouch…because I’m not a damn kangaroo. Gastric sleeve surgery is just a surgeon removing 85% of the stomach and leaving it shaped like one of those tiny bananas in the exotic section of the grocery store that no one knows what to do with. It’s not a pouch!

Anyway, I dug up the patient handbook from my surgery…and I put myself on the post-op liquid diet. Protein shakes only, peeps. For a whole week. Then I graduated myself to the pureed stage…just like after my surgery. Another week. And then soft foods for a week. Then I allowed myself regular food, but I committed to logging everything so I didn’t lose track.

I also joined a couple bariatric surgery support groups on Facebook so I could reconnect with the fears, trials, and issues I faced back in the day.

It worked. I reconnected with the new me in a way that was highly motivating. I went from puffing my chest out in defiance when faced with the idea of humiliating myself by gaining all the weight back to actually believing that I could grab control of my emotions, reign in my bad habits, and steer the car back on the road.

Looking back, I’m super happy for the “Progress” section of My Fitness Pal. It reminds me of where I’ve been and when I was there. Here’s a snapshot of the road I’ve traveled:

398 pounds November 20, 2013. Highest weight ever.

299 pounds June 1, 2014. Two-derville at last!

267 pounds November 11, 2015. Stalled out.

293 pounds April 9, 2019. Yikes…I gained some back.

278 pounds June 18, 2019. Well on the way to losing what I gained.

I’m proud of myself…and highly motivated to continue. In the next blog post, I’ll share more about what I’m eating…and what I’m doing. People keep asking me. I don’t mind sharing, but please know that what works for me may not work for you. We’re different people. I have literally never said this sentence: “I’m dying for a salad.” My menu might be ridiculously gross to you.

Let’s leave it here for now, but I’ll be back soon to share those food logs and a bit more. I’m a big believer in doing what works for you…and there’s a lot that’s been working for me lately.

Okay, y’all…if you follow me on my Facebook Fan Page or on YouTube, you saw yesterday that I’ve decided it’s time to finish what I started 5 years ago. It’s time to lose ANOTHER 100 pounds.

No idea what I’m talking about? Here’s the update I shared:

So there are only so many nutritional changes I can make. I haven’t gone back to my old ways (which is why I have kept off 125 pounds for 5 years). I plan to reign in the snacking and get back to basics, so I’m on protein shakes only through Friday. That plan, given to me by my nutritionist, always makes me appreciate healthy food a bit more by the time I’m done with it. 🙂

Exercise is also coming back into my life. Slowly. This week, I’ll walk once around my block and do 10 minutes on the bike. Next week, two laps around the block and 15 minutes on the bike…and so on.

Today is going to be quite a challenge. I’m weaning myself off Ambien and didn’t sleep a stitch last night. I dozed a few times…but that’s it. I feel like I could drink a silo full of coffee right now, y’all. Bring it to me.

I charged up the FitBit last night and I’m wearing it this morning. Seriously, can one of you just follow me around and hug me all day today…because I am so damn tired! LOL. I’m bound to need a little more encouragement for sure. Ugh.

If you’re doing your own challenge, feel free to share it here by making a comment. The entire Hot Mess community is behind you. Let’s do this!

Hey, y’all…

Well, first…I can’t believe it’s been so long since I posted on this blog. It’s amazing to me how time gets closer and closer together the older we get. If that makes any sense. It feels like maybe four months since I wrote here. I see that it’s longer.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it all stems from something that took hold in my head last year: the desire to beat my insomnia with something other than a pill. My quest for normal sleep has led me to a lot of places, but it first led me back to therapy. We all have that little voice inside of us…that gut instinct, intuition, or whatever you want to call it that rises up and just knows what is the right way and what is the wrong way. My voice led me right to my therapist.

I’m a strong believer in reaching out for help when you need it. I’ve seen many therapists in my lifetime, but I still had the phone number for the last one…and I like her a lot, so I picked up the phone. If you’ve never been to a therapist before, it feels like it takes forever at the start because you spend the first several sessions explaining why you’re there and what you’ve been dealing with. It was nice not to have to go through my own ancient history again. All I had to do was explain that I wanted to work on curing my insomnia without sleep medication.

I made huge progress in only our second session together. Through the questions she asked and the answers I gave, I finally realized where my insomnia is coming from. Believe it or not, I’ve never been able to pinpoint the WHY behind it all…until now. I realized that my insomnia is deeply rooted in fear, and that I…somewhere inside…do not feel safe. I haven’t felt safe in quite a long time, actually.

I won’t go into great detail here, but I can share that shortly after Hot Mess Hubby and I were married we moved to a new place together. I did not feel safe in this place. We didn’t realize the issue until we had moved in, and we could not afford to move. We lived there for nearly two years until we moved to Texas. It was more than enough time for me to learn to live with my ears open and my mind ready to react if I needed to. I started taking Tylenol PM to go to sleep…and the rest is history.

Now here I am, ready to fix it. Finally. Here’s the plan:

• Gradually reduce my sleep medication each week
• Continue with the meditation practices I started months ago (I totally thought I blogged about that!)
• Continue to learn about the body’s chakras
• Continue to learn about how energy from others and energy around me affects me…because it really does. Maybe not for everyone, but it’s definitely true for me!
• Eventually get to a place where I can try yoga. But I can’t right now.

Why? If you follow my Facebook fan page, you know that I’ve been traveling a lot lately and I’ve really put my body through the wringer. Mainly, I’ve torn the meniscus in my left knee. Additionally, I’ve been suffering from mega painful muscle spasms in my lower back and right leg…and I fainted in a restaurant last week.  Seriously, it’s time to reel in the crazy just a bit. Jusssst a bit.

If you’ve taken yourself off sleep meds or have experience with anything I’ve mentioned here, feel free to weigh in. I’d love to hear about what you’ve done, what your tips and best practices are, and any tidbits of wisdom you have to share. Let’s hear it…because I need all the help I can get, and you’ll always be my tribe.

Sorry I took so long to check in.

Y’all, 2017 was an interesting year. In fact, everything after 2013 has been amazing. I lost 119 pounds, too many clothing sizes to count, so many inches I don’t even know. Through this blog, I shared all the changes I was going through in all of that. Y’all came with me every step of the way.

If you’re following me on Facebook (and you should be), you know that I have the travel bug. Travel is hard on the human body whether you weigh 150 or 350 or are somewhere in between like me. As much as I love going new places, it’s hard on me physically. Usually, at the end of a day of exploring, I find myself waddling or limping back to my hotel room and collapsing in a happy heap…wondering if I couldn’t have done even more if I was in better shape.

As I’ve gone through this process, I’ve also changed. Things that used to motivate me…don’t. Mostly, that number on the scale. I am not interested in focusing on a number.  I don’t give a crap about dropping another marble in the “Pounds Lost” jar. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like I’m looking at it all from the wrong angle.

So what do I care about now? I care about how my butt fits in an airplane seat (and they’re all different). I care about how much walking I can do when my sneaks hit the pavement in London. I care about how well I sleep…and how dehydrated I still get. I care about not getting old before I get old, and about making sure my eyes and my hands work for years to come…because doing needlework gives me joy.

You’ll hear more from me here on the blog than you did in 2017. We’re going to talk about a lot of things, including weight loss, healthy living, travel, and yes…NEEDLEWORK. And a million other topics I can’t even think of. Anything that comes up.

For now, let’s talk about travel. I know I have many readers who don’t travel because of weight. You’ve read horror stories about people being removed from airplanes because they’re too fat, or people being charged for a second seat that they can’t afford. Travel is an amazing gift to give yourselves, peeps. Amazing. I want to help you get past the fear and get out there.

So…let’s talk about travel. In the comments below, give me your travel questions. You can ask me anything, including how big my butt is and whether it fits in the seat. 🙂 I want you to be able to get out there in the world.

If you have a question for me but you’re embarrassed to ask it, just give me a fake name in the comments below. I can’t tell who you are, so make it a fun name and ask the question.

Let’s see those comments!