I’m participating in my first blog meme. If you’ve never heard of a blog meme, that’s okay – I’ll explain it to you like I’ve known about it this whole time when really I just learned about them last week. A blog meme (rhymes with “dream”) is a specific topic shared by one blogger that a bunch of other bloggers jump in on and write about on their blogs. According to the Blogger Code (it’s a real thing, don’t even look that shit up), each blogger links to the meme host’s blog and shares their post in the host blogger’s comments section. Clear as mud? Awesome!
I’m joining in on Momma Kat’s blog meme, which I think will be really good for my brain because this is only my first time doing this and her writing prompts were awesome. We had a choice of 5 topics and I chose “6 Things I Didn’t Learn in School”. So if you’re wondering where this topic came from, blame Momma Kat. Or hug her.
1. Math. (At least not in any way that made me walk away and say “I totally get this.”)
You younger Hot Messes won’t understand this, but I was in the age group of kidlets who were subjected to the war of New Math. As if that wasn’t jacked up enough, I was also in the age group when our country decided “Hey! We’re changing over to the metric system!” and then our country said “Screw that, no we’re not!!” and then half the country started bitch slapping the other half of the country while my 4th grade class stood there waiting for them to making up their effing minds. So basically I learned old math, New Math, the Imperial System, and the Metric System intermittently.
Plus I’m left-handed…but everyone was so busy fighting over old math, New Math, and changing over to the Metric System that they forgot to ask me what hand I use for stuff – so they let me write with my left hand, but taught me how to do everything else right handed. And because I was a totally awesome kid who never questioned authority, I forced my brain to accommodate all the lame-assedry going on around me. And that is why I write left-handed and do most everything else right-handed. It’s also why all math problems look like this to me:
2. Just because a boy is cute doesn’t mean he’s nice.
For some reason, I never learned this in school. Tommy Wilson, the cutest first grader in my class, totally pulled my hair every chance he got. I still thought he was awesome. In the 7th grade, Eric Franklin was nice to my face, but made fun of me behind my back because I was writing a science fiction novel when all the other girls were fighting over who was going to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Steven Keller, the high school hero/athlete/handsome hunk (whom I thought was absolute Heaven on a bun) spit on me in the hallway on my way to history class. I’ll never know why.
Meanwhile, one of the dorkiest guys in school – and quite possibly the nicest – had a serious crush on me. It wasn’t until after graduation when I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom reading my yearbook, when I read what he’d written: “I never had the guts to tell you this to your face, but you are one of the loveliest girls I’ve ever seen in my life…” It would take years of dating losers to realize that handsome isn’t as important as heart.
3. How to make people laugh.
I come from a long line of absolute dorks who will do just about anything to make people laugh. Thank God. My maternal grandmother wouldn’t hesitate to pop her teeth out at random people in K-Mart just to make us all crack up. My Mom, who is now well into her 80’s, can still burp the alphabet. The class factor is strong in my DNA, right? My family taught me that laughter is the cheapest kind of therapy you can get.
4. Being a grown-up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Remember being a kid? Remember wishing you were a grown up? Me too. There was a stream of firsts that lay before me and I couldn’t wait to get to them. First dance. First date. First kiss. First car. Unfortunately, there’s also first douchebag boyfriend. First speeding ticket. First serious medical scare. I never learned that being a grown-up wasn’t the totally awesome power trip I imagined it to be.
Thankfully, I’ve never completely grown up. I hope I never do. In fact, on a recent trip to visit my family I got in a riveting discussion with my 7 year old nephew about Harry Potter. The rest of the adults in my family were left shaking their heads and wondering what just happened.
Suck it, muggles!
5. How to relax.
Summers were hard times, my friends. Running in the sprinklers all day until our toes were all pruny. Laying in the sun to dry off. Oh, waiter, I’ll have Kool-Aid on the rocks with a twist.
6. How to dress fashionably.
Everything I know about fashion I learned from slumber parties. And Marcia Brady. I think I’ve made my point.
What did you not learn in school?