Category Archives: General Hoo-Hah

Answering an Important Question

General Hoo-Hah, Uncategorized

In last week’s post, I shared some of the ways that this pandemic has changed my life…and a few of you have asked me whether I got (or plan to get) the Covid-19 vaccine. There’s a story behind my answer, so I felt like I should just answer it here.

Last December, one of my dearest friends was diagnosed with Covid-19. She is younger than me and has no health issues other than being overweight (which is one of the risk factors that puts you into Phase 1B for the vaccine). For the first couple of days she was just feeling sick. Then Covid started to manhandle her. She texted me on her way to the emergency room. She’d had a 103 degree fever for a day or two and was unable to get it down. A chest xray revealed a spot of pneumonia in her lungs, and my normally feisty friend was admitted to the hospital.

We messaged each other every day and I kept close tabs on her. I sent her massive amounts of ridiculous cat photos and gave her updates from Finn the cat. She didn’t improve at first, but then they altered her meds and she was able to fight it. She shared with me that it scared her that she couldn’t get the fever to go down. After several days, she was released to go home…and she has fully recovered, thank God.

I am friends with several people who have either had Covid-19 or have family members who’ve had it, and all of their accounts are consistent: it is aggressive and it gets a firm hold on you. After seeing what my friend went through as a normally healthy, albeit overweight person, I realized that it would probably grab ahold of me easily if I were exposed.

When they first announced the vaccine was available, I balked. I didn’t want it. I was perfectly happy to wait for others to go first, waiting to see what the long term effects are. It worried me that this vaccine had been created in such a short period of time. I was afraid of making something worse by agreeing to put this thing in my body. Was I going to have damaging side effects from the vaccine? Would I be okay? I have the ability to stay home right now…do I really need it? I can just hole up my house and do grocery store pick up orders for the rest of my life. Why did I need the vaccine?

I decided to spend a little time learning about the vaccine and how it was created. How did it become available so quickly? Were shortcuts taken? What if I have allergies? Will the vaccine put dead Covid19 in my body? What is it made of?

These are all valid questions and I sought my own answers from reputable sources. I believe it is extremely important for each person to make up their own minds about the vaccine, so I will not share the information I found. I will encourage each of you to make a list of the concerns and questions you have regarding the Covid19 vaccine and seek out reputable sources of information to answer them.

For me, seeing my friend struggle with it…it scared me. I thought of Hot Mess Hubby. I thought of suddenly having to go in the hospital and not knowing if I was going to come back out. The quickness that this virus has taken people is disturbing. It was an easy “I’ll wait it out” for me until I saw people close to me struggling. Then it was more real. I’m not ready to leave Hot Mess Hubby or anyone in my family. So I made a list of my questions and started searching reputable sources for the answers.

After careful consideration of my personal circumstances and the information that I’d learned for myself, I decided to put myself on the list for the vaccine. I qualify as part of Phase 1B in the priority for vaccines. It took about 6 weeks to get my first dose. I am now waiting for my second dose, which should happen at the end of the month.

I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth part of Texas and I’m proud to say that the Lone Star State is doing a great job vaccinating our people who want the vaccine. From the time I drove onto the lot to the time I was walking back to the car…30 minutes. Everyone was kind, everything was efficient.

My arm was just slightly sore from the shot, but otherwise I had no side effects whatsoever. This was reassuring to me, as the Shingles vaccine royally kicked my ass. I was expecting to have the same side effects (fever, chills, body aches). With only the first dose under my belt, I am now 80% protected from Covid-19.

I have many friends who got the vaccine before me, several of whom have just received their second dose…and, oh my goodness, the side effects! Most of them are reporting the typical flu-like symptoms for a day or two. Not scary, just not pleasant…and so I am expecting that the second shot will knock me right on my ass. I’ll keep you posted.

Everyone should make their own choices and this was mine. You should make your choices for you and your family. Please be sure to do your own research when making your decisions. I am only sharing what my experience has been because some of you have asked, and I am not endorsing this vaccine for anyone – I am simply sharing the decision that I’ve made for myself. Please do your own research and speak to your doctor or consult the CDC’s website if you have questions about the vaccine.

Above all else, please be careful out there. Wash your hands, practice social distancing, and wear a mask. Let’s get the world back to normal. 🙂

Learning the Lessons We Don’t Want to Learn

General Hoo-Hah, Uncategorized

Facebook Memories is starting be a real pain in the ass. This time last year, I was living my normal life. I had a job I loved, I could travel where I wanted to, and I didn’t know a damn thing about toilet paper shortages and lockdown procedures. Those were the days.

One year later, and I don’t have a normal life…I no longer have that job I loved, I can’t travel where I want to, and I know way too much about Covid-19. I want my normal back…and I know that’s not possible right now.

Every time I look back at a time in my life when I didn’t get something I really wanted…it was because there was something else coming that led me down a better path. Whatever unpleasantness I experienced either put me on a better road or gave me skills that would make me a total badass later. So why doesn’t that make me embrace the changes that I perceive as negative when I know from experience that they’re preparing me for something better? I have no idea.

I recently when after something that I’d lost last year. Something that meant the world to me. Something I wanted desperately back in my life. Instead of success, I was met with roadblocks. The universe has sent me a memo that clearly states I can’t have the thing back right now. I must be patient. I must wait. Apparently, somewhere, there is something else for me to do. And so I have a choice: I can spend all my energy banging my fists against a door that will not open, or I can turn away…walk away…and have a look at what else I can do (until October 1st when the thing might be possible again).

For me, for this time in my life, that is needlework. I’m sure that’s incredibly awful for some of you to read…but that’s just how incredibly uncool I am. I am a social person. I’m a hugger. I’m a cheerleader. I am a passionate lifter-upper of people. You can imagine how difficult living in a pandemic world is for me. I can’t see people. I can’t travel. I can’t go hang out. I can’t spontaneously squeal and hug people. There is a huge part of me that has had to find another way to be…and it’s been extremely difficult.

I turned to needlework when I couldn’t hug, hang out, go to work like a normal human. Giving my hands something to do and my mind something to focus on has gotten me through it. It continues to get me through it. What’s funny is…I always thought I would turn to writing fiction when I had a lot of time on my hands, but that is not the way for me. I tried it. I had the whole “now I finally have time to write that book” moment, but writing makes me think…and then overthink…and then doubt myself…and it brings anxiety during a time that has already brought enough of it. The answer for me is not writing, it’s stitching.

You’re going to see a lot of needlework in my social media feed, peeps. A lot. And a lot of updates on my Couch to 5K training, since I’ve figured out the best way to get in shape for that fabulous trip to London the next time the borders are open is to train my legs to walk a lot. Those are my two projects right now. Stitch and walk. Stitch and walk. Stitch and walk.

How are you getting through the pandemic? Is anyone out there still hating this? Or has everyone snapped into the “new normal”? I really hate that term. I want MY normal back. I know I’ll feel normal again someday…but until then, I will stitch and walk…and stitch and walk…and learn the lessons I don’t want to learn. I have faith that they’re making me a better person.

Is that a cervix in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

General Hoo-Hah, , ,

I’ve flown twice this month: once to my hometown in California and once to New York City, and the experiences I’ve had with the TSA have been as different as the cities I visited.

I used to joke with the TSA at DFW Airport that I must have a tumor or something, because my lower left leg always sets the damn body scanner off. But lately, my voluptuous bod seems to be pissing off more and more scanners. On my flight home from California earlier this month, a very polite and well-mannered female TSA agent asked me to step aside so that she could pat me down.

She was very polite and asked if I’d prefer a private screening. No, I answered. I never do. Maybe if they’re going to ask me to take off my bra and give me a mammogram or something, but just to pat me down? I’m made of sterner stuff than that.

“I’m going to start with your chest and arms, going in this direction,” she told me as she gestured with blue rubber gloved hands. “But I’m going to use the backs of my hands.”

I shrugged the equivalent of “Yeah, okay.” What am I going to do? Start running for my gate? Besides, if we all get to our destinations safely I honestly don’t care if she cops a feel with the backs of her hands. I’m sure it’s even less a thrill for her than for me.

She went on to pat me down everywhere, but kept stopping to explain what she was going to do…and always “but I’m going to use the backs of my hands”. Got it. After a few minutes and a good swabbing of my hands for bomby things, I was on my way to my gate. No big.
photo TSA1_zpsx666b8p4.jpg

Yesterday, as I was leaving La Guardia Airport in New York City, I had the exact opposite of this experience.

As usual, my lumpy body set off the body scanners. If our lack of decent presidential candidates didn’t concern me enough, now I’m a bit worried that the TSA can’t tell the difference between a terrorist and a chubby girl like me. Why the hell do I always set off those scanners! I wasn’t even wearing Spanx, for fucks sake.

There were two female TSA agents working the security side of the body scanners. One was a regular looking lady in her mid-fifties, I’d guess. The other was an incredibly surly chick with an attitude I can only describe as something between a Jerry Springer talk show guest and an LA gang member with a rap sheet as long as my arm. She had to be at least 6 feet tall…and she could’ve easily palmed a basketball. Shit, she could have palmed a Mini Cooper.

I don’t know her name, but let’s call her Tiffany because it sounds dainty and feminine, which she was not and that shit’s just funny. I was too afraid she’d see me look at her badge, lest I end up floating in the Hudson River like in an episode of Law & Order. Visiting, delightful, warm-hearted tourist from Texas is found floating boobs-up in the river…Benson & Stabler arrive on the scene…donk donk!

Here’s now my pat down went:

Tiffany, pointing one 9 inch finger to the floor mat in front of her: “Step here.”

I step here.

Without another word, Tiffany proceeds to use her gigantic fucking meat hook hands to push and slap my shoulders and arms, then runs her frying pan sized palms down the front of my legs and then back up between my legs until BAM! Karate chop right in the vagina. The fuck?

Tiffany didn’t use the backs of her Andre the Giant hands. She just manhandled the shit out of me and punched in me in the lady bits.

I was still reeling from the violation when she turned around and yelled (I’m totally not shitting you here) at this tiny little woman in the body scanner, who was apparently not understanding the other agent who was telling her to step out.

“COME OUT! COME OUUUUUUT!!!! HEY!!!! COME OUT!”

Not. Even. Shitting you.

Almost as an after thought, Tiffany told me I could go. She turned and stomped back to her post, her blue rubber covered knuckles nearly dragging on the ground behind her. Bitch.
photo TSA2_zpsru0ual04.jpg

As I was seated on the plane, being safely jetted away from Tiffany and her beefy fingers, I realized that the TSA is rather like a visit to the gyno – except with a gyno you can change doctors if you’re not happy.

The TSA agent in California was like my beloved gyno here in Texas: soft spoken, gentle and pleasant…in spite of the task that’s been handed her. In contrast, Tiffany from NYC was like the doctor who uses a teaspoon of lube on a freezing cold speculum and just aims in the general direction of your birth canal. Pfffffffp! Good enough! NEXT!!!

Jesus.

I wanted to cross my legs all the way to Texas, but I was in coach.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve been talking about my vagina a lot. It’s really not that special or fantastic, but it’s the only one I have…and I really don’t want to share it with Tiffany and her man hands.

In all seriousness, though, it makes me wonder how a person like that keeps their job. Is no one watching her? Why is she allowed to be that horrible to people? Why is she so fucking angry? Maybe I’d be angry too if I had to frisk people all day long, but maybe I’d go look for another job where I didn’t have to touch vaginas all day…ya know, if that wasn’t my kind of thing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are many of us who might choose to do something else for a living if we could. I grew up wanting to be a tap dancing astronaut writer. I am not an astronaut. I can tap dance. I’m a writer. But I didn’t achieve the trifecta career of my childhood dreams. That doesn’t mean I can run around punching people in the vagina and yelling all day.

We need to find a way to be happy with ourselves in some way. We need to find at least one spot of joy in this world…or we end up like Tiffany.

Don’t be Tiffany. That’s all I’m saying.


Calm the Fuck Down adult coloring book

 

What the H?

Beauty, General Hoo-Hah, Too Funny Not to Share, Uncategorized, , ,

So earlier this week I was sitting, weirdly enough, in the waiting room at my gyno doctor’s office…scrolling through Facebook on my phone…and I see this article from Yahoo! Health:

Please Don’t Stick Herbs Up Your Vagina. Please.

What the actual fuck? Did I read that right?

I felt an odd mixture of horror and curiosity that I haven’t felt since Gwyneth told us all we should be steaming our lady bits if we wanted to be cool like her. (I’d link you to her blog post about all that, but it mysteriously disappeared after the entire universe laughed at the ridiculousness of it all). That’s okay. My vagina decided back then that it didn’t want to be cool like Gwyneth. I’m not in the habit of scalding the shit out of my girly parts even if Ironman’s girlfriend is telling me to do it.

To be fair, I’ll link you to this article about the famous vaginal steaming post. It’s the best I can do.

Anyway, I clicked on the Yahoo article. How could I not? I was not disappointed. I mean, I’m thankful that I was paying attention in school the day they told me not to mess with my vag’s eco-system, as it were, but for those of you who think differently…this article is awesome on multiple levels. When it comes to all the reasons why you shouldn’t put herbs up your vagina, Amy Rushlow (with Yahoo Health) puts it all together for us in an effing hysterical package.

Apparently, “vaginal detoxing” is actually a thing that some women are taking seriously. Like…they’re buying herbal tampons and shoving them up their vajayjays to get a good detox. For three days. THREE. DAYS.

Ladies…c’mon…really?

My favorite part of the article was when she talks about where to buy these ridiculous things. Are you ready? Etsy. Yes! Etsy…the homemade crafting website. “Because when you want to buy something that goes up your vagina, the first person you think of is the guy who made that super-cool necklace for your aunt,” says Rushlow. LOL. I love this chick! (I clicked over to Twitter and followed her so fast.)

I read the damn thing twice while I was sitting in the waiting room, then I was called back to have my own lady bits inspected, giggling the entire time. But as I walked back to the exam room, I realized that these herbal tampons look like…tea bags. Don’t they?

Holy CRAP! Tea bags for the vag!!!

Okay, now this is exciting. If you’ve read my blog or followed me on Facebook for any length of time, you’re well aware that I’m a big fan of Downton Abbey. So now I’m thinking…vag…tea bags…tea…Downton…vag…tea….

Sometimes my mind is like a runaway train, honestly. And once it’s off the tracks there’s just no stopping the damn thing. Before I knew it, my imagination exploded with images of Lady Mary doing magazine ads for this remarkable breakthrough in feminine hygiene.

“I’m Lady Mary Crawley…and when I want to get the funk of a dead Turk’s peenie out of my vag, I turn to Mrs. Tiddlywink’s Detox Tea Bags.”

Poor Mr. Pamuk was no match for Lady Mary’s vag. Perhaps if she’d had a damn detox beforehand he’d still be alive!

Remember when Lady Mary made Anna go to the pharmacy to get a diaphragm so she could bump uglies with Tony Gillingham out of wedlock?

Pharmacy lady: “May I help you?”

Anna (embarrassed): “Yes, uh…I’d like…I’d like to get one of these please.”

(She hesitates a moment.)

Anna: “Oh, bullocks. Can I also get a dozen of the Cinnamon Cervix tea bags? Lady Mary’s whoring around again.”

I’m sure you’re all thinking what I’m thinking: I never would have survived back in the days when the working class couldn’t say what they thought. If I’d lived back then…with my mouth, I’d have ended up scrubbing underpants at the local whorehouse or something – and scrubbing my knuckles raw cleaning crotches all day just seems a waste of my talent.

And what about the Dowager’s naughty history with Russian Prince Kuragin?

Perhaps a little of “Lady Violet’s Echinacea and Olive Oil Downton Estate Vag Tea”…for when you need to add a little moisture back to that crusty, 80 year old hoo-hah. With a touch of Retinol to give your labia a rejuvinated, youthful appearance!

photo dowager lol_zpssheedmut.jpg

And, of course, there’s the obvious seasonal blends we could play with:

  • Spring Fling – leaves an essence of clean laundry and freshly mowed grass
  • Summer Daze – perhaps something that smells like the ocean. Without the fish or…that might be weird.
  • Pumpkin Spice in the fall, y’all!
  • Holiday Hymen Surprise in December, maybe? I’m just thinking out loud…

It’s true that I haven’t had to suffer through a period since I had my evil bitch uterus sandblasted a year ago, but for you ladies who still have deal with that crap how about a nice Menstrual Mint?

There’s no limit to the money we can make with this scheme, ladies, really. Which one of you has the capital to invest? We should talk. Get me Downton creator Julian Fellowes on the phone. STAT!

I’ll be back later. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately and I’m going to try my hand at mixing up a batch of Lavender Labia. I know I’m probably kidding myself, but at least my vagina will be well rested…


Royal Albert Old Country Roses Boxed Cup and Saucer

Tour Through Blogland!

General Hoo-Hah

Today we’re traveling, peeps. We’re going on a Tour Through Blogland, thanks to HMP fan Ashley from This Pretty Little Life. Ashley’s quite a blogger herself and when she contacted me about this opportunity it sounded like a hell of a lotta fun. So I said yes.

TTB

If you haven’t read Ashley’s blog, you need to go check it out. Here are a few of my favorite posts of hers:

The letter she wrote to her younger self. Who wouldn’t want to do that? Well, she did it! It’s moving to read and don’t we wish we all had a time machine so we could go back and smack some sense into our younger selves?

This Pretty Little Spring Cleaning: Kitchen – Under the Sink  Honestly, Ashley’s “before” picture doesn’t look nearly as bad as what my under sink cabinet looks like right now – but I’m betting she doesn’t live with a Hot Mess redneck like I do. Seriously, HMH can be a real challenge sometimes…and there’s only so many hours in a damn day. But I love spring cleaning and I love before/after pictures of home organization – so this one really got me.

And finally, My Weight Loss Journey – Support is just simply a good read. It’s incredibly hard to change and Ashley’s take on what really matters is open and real.

You can find Ashley on all the major social media networks. My favorite is her Pinterest boards, but she’s everywhere in social media – so click here to go to her blog and look at the social icons on the upper right to see which ones suit you best.

Ashley’s asked me to answer certain questions as part of this tour, so here I go!

Question 1: What am I working on right now?

The answer is…many things. I have a post waiting in the wings about change. Are you ready for it? How do you know? I’m also working on checking items off my list of 50 awesome things to do before I turn 50…and that day is getting closer. Eeek! And I’m working on writing my first book, but I procrastinate that one a lot because the idea of finding someone to publish it is daunting as hell. (Yes, I realize I can self-publish these days…but I’d rather have a publishing house do all the work for me.)

Question 2: How does my work differ from others in the same genre?

Well, for one thing…what the hell genre am I in? Weight loss? God, I hope not. I have a huge problem with the weight loss industry. I don’t like people who make money off of fat people. Bottom line. I don’t mind paying for goods or services if there’s an end in sight, but if I have to keep buying your shit then there’s a problem with that. So I’m not sure what genre you’d put me in but I’ll tell you this much: my central message is that you have to do what works for you. I’m not a weight loss blog…I’m a hot mess and I’m just blabbing about my life and my path and my process. I’m unique and so are you.

Question 3: Why do I create/write what I do?

That’s easy. Because I can’t help it. I started this blog because I knew there were others out there like me and I was reaching out. And I found you. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your support and I know, thanks to comments here and the many private messages and emails I receive, that many of you have been helped by this blog. So I do what I do because I’m called to it. I can’t imagine things ever being any different.

Question 4: How does my creative/writing process work?

I have two very distinct, separate methods for writing: one for the blog and one for fiction. My methods for writing this blog are very organic. I write what I write because it comes to me. I can’t put it off and I can’t plan it. When I first started the blog, I tried to create an editorial calendar and schedule certain posts for certain days…but it didn’t work. I can’t schedule any of the shit I spew through my keyboard because it’s all coming from the heart. Fiction is different. Fiction is created completely. It’s crafted. Embellished. It’s bullshit, basically, so it’s a lot easier to manipulate. The Hot Mess thing is real.

So those are the questions and my answers. Now? I’m super proud and happy to introduce you to my pal Brenda’s blog “One Awesome at a Time”. You might remember Brenda from the 2013 DFW Penis Expedition…or at least you should. It’s hard to forget this girl once you meet her. She rocks!

Brenda is a wonderful, funny, loving, creative, amazing work in progress and I’m proud to be her friend. You can find Brenda on her blog…you can even subscribe to new posts via email.

Here are a few of my favorite posts of Brenda’s:

Her post on creating the life you love. Brenda is all about color, life and creativity and this post totally shows it!

Her own 50 Things Before 50 post. She’s turning 50 a month before me (hahahahah!) and she’s well on her way to completing her list.

Her amazing “Shame – Today I am ENOUGH!” post. It’s beyond description. Grab a cup o’ something and read away. It’s wonderful.

I can’t wait to see what Brenda cooks up for her post next Monday. Until then, big thanks to Ashley from This Pretty Little Life for inviting me along…this was really fun!

 


Nylon Butterfly Decorations (36 pc)