I just saw this on Facebook, so naturally I turned my attention away from the other 10 blog posts I have in process right now to write this 11th (and much more trivial) one. Sorry. Sometimes a girl just has to say what’s on her mind, right?
This conversation would most definitely not be the same if I caught a conversational spider in my shower.
(SURLY LANGUAGE ALERT! DON’T READ ANY MORE IF YOU CAN’T TAKE IT!!)
Me: Dude, what the fuck? You’re creep’in me out!
Spider: OMG, sorry…didn’t see you.
Me: Right. Because I’m a thousand times bigger than you, but you didn’t see me. Get back.
Spider: Hey, I’m just coming down to scope out the tub.
Me: Get BACK! I’ll hose you with this shaving cream, I swear to God!!
Spider: Hey, lady, I’m just trying to stretch my legs.
Me: Gross! You have 8 of ‘em…don’t you think that’s overkill? Honestly…
Spider: Way to be a bitch about it, lady. You’ve got like…4 butts.
Me: Shut up! (Grabs bottle of Suave) Seriously, I’ll shampoo your ass to the wall.
Spider: Okay, okay…I’ll just move over here. Take it easy…take it eeeeasy.
Me: That’s better. You have 5 minutes to get the hell out of my house or I come back and Raid your ass to the grave, man.
Spider: Geez, lady…can’t we live in peace?
Me: No. No, we can’t. I hate your webs, I hate your creepy crawliness, and I hate your 8 legs. Pack your damn bags and get the hell out before I go get my .38
Me: (Squirts a cup and a half of shampoo on spider…screaming while its lifeless corpse slides down the shower wall and down the drain, then walks out like a badass.)
And that’s how conversations with spiders go down in the Hot Mess household.
The Amazing Spider-Man (Three-Disc Combo: Blu-ray / DVD + UltraViolet Digital Copy)