Okay, peeps, it’s Thursday again…and you know what that means: it’s time for Mama Kat’s awesome blog meme!!! Once again, I let all my Facebook fans vote on the topic I would write about. The one that won? “Describe a time when you made things…awkward.”
Before I get started on that, I do want to let y’all know that I’m having a GREAT time with this and I really enjoy letting my fans decide which topic I’m going to write about – so I’m officially announcing that you get to vote for the topic every week. Just make sure you’re a Facebook fan and then watch for the poll. Get your vote on!
So…you buncha sickies want to know about a time I made things awkward. Fine. Here we go.
We’ve all been to our share of home sales parties, right? Scentsy, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Silpada, ThirtyOne, Naughty Lady, Princess House…the list goes on. My girlfriends are a ton of fun, so I always try to go when one of them has one (and they’ve had plenty for me when I was a Pampered Chef consultant). Up until two years ago, though, I had never been to a Mary Kay party.
I’m just not a fan of beauty parties. I like walking into the store and buying my beauty products. I don’t like to wait for an order to come in, so I’ve never been tempted by Mary Kay parties – but when one of my girlfriends had one, I couldn’t say no. So I went.
The Mary Kay Beauty Consultant who was there was the absolute stereotypical Mary Kay lady. Perfectly coiffed, fabulously dressed, elegantly accessorized, and absolutely adorable…and annoying. She even drove the pink Cadillac. She was like a Mary Kay Fem-bot…but without the hot bod and sexy outfit.
I am not the sort of woman who should be allowed around that sort of woman. From the minute I walked in the door, I rattled her cage with my uncouth demeanor. (I swear, I really was trying to be good!) And I don’t know how much toner she’d been sniff’in, but she would just smile and giggle and tell me what a perfect beauty consultant I would be. That smile never reached her eyes, though, and she was clearly on crack for even suggesting such a thing.
We all sat down in front of our individual little make-up mirrors as she began her presentation and I continued to try to be good. It was just one of those nights where opportunities kept presenting themselves and smart ass crap was flying out of my mouth before I could put the brakes on my tongue. It’s not my fault. Usually I’m a lovely person. Really.
We took our make-up off with the amazing age reducing cleanser, we applied sunscreen and vitamins with peptides to our Mary Kay starved skin, and then it was time…for moisturizer. There had been at least five minutes of no smart assy remarks from me when my girlfriend squeezed the tube of moisturizer and SPLAT!!!
Moisturizer spewed out and splattered all over. Everyone gasped in surprise. The Mary Kay Fem-bot, always the picture of elegance and grace, started mopping up the white cream which, I’m sorry, looked an awful lot like semen. Yes, I’m a dirty bitch. That’s the first thing I thought of when it splattered all over my girlfriend’s top.
“That’s okay, sweetie,” the Mary Kay Fem-bot gushed. “You just squeezed it a little too hard.”
That was it. That was the shit that shut my filter down for good. I couldn’t let it go.
I grinned mischievously at my friends and said loudly, “Yeah, it’s okay…premature application happens to everyone…it’s no big deal!”
There was a lot of hysterical screaming and laughing from my friends. Not so much from the Mary Kay Fem-bot. She nearly imploded. Her mouth closed primly. Her eyebrows got really high. I could actually see her fighting to maintain her butt clench. She grinned flawlessly and said to me, “You’re a hoot!”
So there you have it. I may not have made things awkward for my girlfriends – because these bitches are just as cray cray as me – but I did make things highly uncomfortable for the Mary Kay Fem-bot, who turned out to be quite the delusional hosebag…so I don’t even feel guilty for it. Not one bit.
Now it’s your turn. Share your awkward moment or I’ll head to your house with a tube of moisturizer.