Okay, peeps, it’s Thursday again…and you know what that means: it’s time for Mama Kat’s awesome blog meme!!! Once again, I let all my Facebook fans vote on the topic I would write about. The one that won? “Describe a time when you made things…awkward.”
Before I get started on that, I do want to let y’all know that I’m having a GREAT time with this and I really enjoy letting my fans decide which topic I’m going to write about – so I’m officially announcing that you get to vote for the topic every week. Just make sure you’re a Facebook fan and then watch for the poll. Get your vote on!
So…you buncha sickies want to know about a time I made things awkward. Fine. Here we go.
We’ve all been to our share of home sales parties, right? Scentsy, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Silpada, ThirtyOne, Naughty Lady, Princess House…the list goes on. My girlfriends are a ton of fun, so I always try to go when one of them has one (and they’ve had plenty for me when I was a Pampered Chef consultant). Up until two years ago, though, I had never been to a Mary Kay party.
I’m just not a fan of beauty parties. I like walking into the store and buying my beauty products. I don’t like to wait for an order to come in, so I’ve never been tempted by Mary Kay parties – but when one of my girlfriends had one, I couldn’t say no. So I went.
The Mary Kay Beauty Consultant who was there was the absolute stereotypical Mary Kay lady. Perfectly coiffed, fabulously dressed, elegantly accessorized, and absolutely adorable…and annoying. She even drove the pink Cadillac. She was like a Mary Kay Fem-bot…but without the hot bod and sexy outfit.
I am not the sort of woman who should be allowed around that sort of woman. From the minute I walked in the door, I rattled her cage with my uncouth demeanor. (I swear, I really was trying to be good!) And I don’t know how much toner she’d been sniff’in, but she would just smile and giggle and tell me what a perfect beauty consultant I would be. That smile never reached her eyes, though, and she was clearly on crack for even suggesting such a thing.
We all sat down in front of our individual little make-up mirrors as she began her presentation and I continued to try to be good. It was just one of those nights where opportunities kept presenting themselves and smart ass crap was flying out of my mouth before I could put the brakes on my tongue. It’s not my fault. Usually I’m a lovely person. Really.
We took our make-up off with the amazing age reducing cleanser, we applied sunscreen and vitamins with peptides to our Mary Kay starved skin, and then it was time…for moisturizer. There had been at least five minutes of no smart assy remarks from me when my girlfriend squeezed the tube of moisturizer and SPLAT!!!
Moisturizer spewed out and splattered all over. Everyone gasped in surprise. The Mary Kay Fem-bot, always the picture of elegance and grace, started mopping up the white cream which, I’m sorry, looked an awful lot like semen. Yes, I’m a dirty bitch. That’s the first thing I thought of when it splattered all over my girlfriend’s top.
“That’s okay, sweetie,” the Mary Kay Fem-bot gushed. “You just squeezed it a little too hard.”
That was it. That was the shit that shut my filter down for good. I couldn’t let it go.
I grinned mischievously at my friends and said loudly, “Yeah, it’s okay…premature application happens to everyone…it’s no big deal!”
There was a lot of hysterical screaming and laughing from my friends. Not so much from the Mary Kay Fem-bot. She nearly imploded. Her mouth closed primly. Her eyebrows got really high. I could actually see her fighting to maintain her butt clench. She grinned flawlessly and said to me, “You’re a hoot!”
So there you have it. I may not have made things awkward for my girlfriends – because these bitches are just as cray cray as me – but I did make things highly uncomfortable for the Mary Kay Fem-bot, who turned out to be quite the delusional hosebag…so I don’t even feel guilty for it. Not one bit.
Now it’s your turn. Share your awkward moment or I’ll head to your house with a tube of moisturizer.
Olay Total Effects 7-IN-1 Anti-Aging Daily Moisturiser, 1.7-Fluid Ounce
OMG that’s hilarious! We would SO get along as I can be highly inappropriate too and can’t stand those with clenched butt cheeks.
I, of course, chose the bacon prompt. Is there anything better? http://adayinthelifeofkat.blogspot.ca/2013/06/bacon.html
People who take themselves so seriously deserve to be made a little uncomfortable sometimes.
My most recent awkward moment was when I was helping with middle school park day. I was in charge of handing out freezie pops (you know, those tubes of syrupy stuff that you freeze and call a popsicle when you’re cheap, and then snip the end off the frozen tube to eat). As a group of boys surrounded me, I told them they had to wait while I cut their thingies off….
OMG, that line was perfection!!! I just, well, there are no other words!
Thanks for stopping by my blog today…although now I’m really glad that you weren’t there with me to make things MORE awkward 😉
That is like the best ever!! I have a tendency towards smart-assedness myself. Usually when it’s totally inappropriate. Stopping by from Mama Kat’s!
Awkward & awesome!
When we told my husband’s grandma that we were expecting our first, she asked if we’d been trying. I replied, “nope, just practicing.”
We were at a gathering among our friends, and as usually happens, the conversation surged to that edge. You know. The one where the next step is too far? Normally that wouldn’t be an issue with this group. I did a nice jump, and landed with both feet squarely on the other side. And remembered that the mom of some of the friends in the group (lots of siblings around the same age) was there, and standing close enough that she heard me. I often wonder how naive some people *really* are. If they don’t get it, or if they’re just pretending that they don’t get it. 🙂
In all my perversion…for some reason I can’t find a better way of saying that something will be fixed by our IT dept at work than saying…”we can do that from the backside” or “do it from the back end”. I try SO hard to not say that, but it keeps coming out of my mouth. See, this whole thing is perverse. OMG! Help me HMP!
LOL…I remember that story!! My embarrassing moments are not really PG rated. I am sure you might be able to help remind me of something.
Oh wow…you guys are cracking me up. I’ve had so many awkward moments, deciding which one to share is difficult. So lets start with the lesser of the offensive. When my son was young, he would always hear his dad and I talk about how some men (the x in peticular) need to step up to the plate and learn how to use their balls. While driving home with my son one day, I was advising him on how he should approach a situtation. He turned to me and said quite bluntly “Mom, I have balls and I know how to use them”.
That is brilliant! You’ll have to come to one of my MK parties. They are alcohol fueled and my consultant also sells adult novelties for another company. A good time is had by all and NO FemBots.
My awkward moment happened when I was approximately 47 months pregnant with my youngest. I was huge! Hubby and I were at the OB/GYN and were taken into the ultrasound room so doc could check the baby. I sat in a very comfortable chair and when the doc came in he pushed a little button on the chair and soon I was reclining and looked like I was about to have a pap exam. Without thinking I looked at my husband and said “Wow, honey! We could really use one of these chairs at home!” My husband, who is usually unflappable fell apart and the doc couldn’t stop laughing. I was mortified and didn’t say another word before we left the office.
I would have loved to be at that MK party! I would have just died.