So I missed last Wednesday because, in true Hot Mess fashion, I started writing my blog post…then I got an idea…and then I spent the rest of the day overthinking about it. I know some of you can relate.
Today’s update is more of a “Hey, I’m alive and a bit sidetracked…” post.
I’m about a week and a half into weening myself off of sleep meds. It was a bit of a mental fight to get going on this one, to be honest. I don’t know why. I can say that when it came time to cut the first dose in half, I could feel myself beginning to panic at the mere thought of not being able to sleep. I really tried to bargain with myself about how this is just not the right time to do this. 2020 is awful. Covid. Quarantine. Stress. Not a great time. The fact that I was so emotionally resistant to trying this now made me want to push forward and handle it, not back away. So here I am after a week a half of a half of a dose…and I’m really rather proud of myself.
As for the rest, well…it’s been interesting. After taking some time off for myself, I attempted to tackle my joblessness like I handle assignments at work: attack them with organization, logic, and my larger than life can-do attitude. It turns out, though, that I am not reacting well to that tried and true method. In fact, my emotional side is just outright rebelling.
I decided to put it all on hold again and I retreated back into my pillow fort for a bit. I’m not giving up on any of it, but it became obvious to me fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to get through this the way I handle projects at work. I have a lot of emotion going on right now, most of it over the fact that I don’t have my job anymore…and my absolute worry and fear for the state of our world right now. It’s clear that I need to take a gentler path, and so that’s what I’m working on now.
To add injury to the insult of not being able to just barrel through this, I am back in a fracture boot again. I was really starting to enjoy my morning walks, but I didn’t take into account all of the barefoot walking I was doing around the house. While some of that is good, it’s not a great idea to walk around with no support for your feet when you’re still 100 pounds overweight. TOING!!! Something got tugged in my foot and I’m back in the boot for a few weeks. No more morning walks for now.
Finally…a reality check and an ah-hah moment.
I started off my wellness plans with a lot of focus on food. There was also some focus on moving more, but the main focus was getting my eating back on track. I’m not sure that’s the way I should go with this. When it comes down to it, I’ve already lost more than 130 pounds from nutritional changes. I’ve got that shit down. My real challenges come because I do everything in my power to avoid exercise – and so that is where I feel I should place my focus. Dig? I bet you do. Right now I have to let my foot heal, but when I come back from that I will focus more on moving more…and less on what I’m eating. That’s my reality check.
The ah-hah moment came just the other day when I was spending time in the rabbit hole that is Tik Tok. I’m swiping through videos and I land on one that had me all…WHOA! Basically, this therapist said that if you have some kind of negative behavior that you’re trying to work on you should picture it like a monster and give it a name. For example, I think this one person said her negative habit is called Brad…and he wears pastel shorts and is quite douchy. She made him a man because she would NEVER let a man tell her what to do, so this helps her. LOL.
I found it interesting because I do tend to regard my issues with overeating and exercise avoidance as some kind of personal defect that makes me less of a good person. I know that’s not correct, but I can’t help how I feel. So the idea that I treat these thoughts and behaviors as a monster that just happens to live with me helps me feel like I’m much more able to put this bitch in her place when she acts up. I don’t need to spend time blaming myself or asking why…I just step into protective mode and shove the monster away from me. I love this idea, but I have to think about it more and really take some time to explore it. And probably overthink about it, let’s be honest.
So that’s where I am with all of this…and I knew if I didn’t stop and give an update I’d be waiting another week to check in. I’m learning things about myself every day…and I hope you do too. Now please…if you’re out in the world, stay safe…keep your distance from others and wash your hands. Be kind to everyone – starting with yourself.
See you next week!