Tag Archives: Lane Bryant

Catalog of Horrors

I’m inspired and motivated in my weight loss efforts by many things…

…my desire to ride a rollercoaster again

…my desire to be physically STRONG again

…my fear of having to be removed from my home by firefighters who have to cut through the side of my house to get me out, then load me on a flatbed truck and take me for a mandatory gastric bypass.

…and the simple joy of wearing beautiful clothes again

There aren’t a lot of fashion choices for those of us with multiple butts.  Truth.  In fact, using the word fashion to describe the choices available to women my size should be a crime.

I’m still clinging to my stubborn proclamation that I will not buy anymore clothes until I drop a size.  As such, my co-workers see me wearing the same thing week after week and my regular weekend uniform of workout pants and a t-shirt hasn’t changed since Bieber Fever first showed up.  It won’t always be this way, but for now…it is what it is.

Am I still curious as to what “fashion” choices are available to my fellow chubby girls and me?  Sure!!  It’s important for any chubby chick on the go to keep tabs on the current trends in “fashion” for the plus sized woman.  Naturally, when I get a catalog in the mail, I take time to peruse it…whilst eating my afternoon snack of healthy fruit and a small handful of almonds.  Tres chic.

I flip through the pages and try to ignore the fact that my blood pressure is skyrocketing as I see page after page of non plus sized models wearing these “fashions”.  By the time I’m hurling it into the trash can, I’m screaming.

I’ve had enough.  Really.  I’m so tired of the bullshit marketing that goes into these catalogs that I’ve decided to cut through it right here and now.  Let’s go through some of the real gems of the “fashion” catalog I just got in the mail and let’s dissect the real messages behind the bullshit marketing, shall we?

We’ll start with the cover.  What are they saying?  “We miss you, Dianne, since you bought those pants from us that shrank in the dryer and are now only fit for a 3 foot, 400 pound midget to wear!”

What are they really saying?

Hey, at least they’re honest now.  Let’s try another one, shall we?

Speaking of ugly shoes, what the hell is going on here?

I love it when stores name their stuff.  This model shoe is called the “Darling”.  So stylish…it’s the fat girl’s answer to Jimmy Choo.  Forget designer touches, ladies, these bad boys are precision stitched for extra support.  And the best part is they’re on sale.  Now you, too, can look just like Grandma on her way to an AARP meeting for only $44.99

Speaking of naming shit, how about this:

What decade did they pull this out of?  We’ll call this stylish little number the “Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver…so I’m covering it with yards of fabric!”

Let’s see what other bullshit I can cut through…

I love a good tunic, don’t you?  Actually…sadly…the tunic is a staple in my “fashion” wardrobe.  Just more motivation for me, though.  Someday my closet will be a TUNIC FREE ZONE!!!

Mmm…hmm.  I heard that, girlfriend!

This one really gets me going.  These jeans are a “tummy tamer”.  Look at the fatty who’s modeling them.  How many Twinkies does this chick eat?  Thank God for those hidden panels that shape her beautifully!  What a total cow.

By the way, someone should talk to her about her devil-may-care, thumb-in-her-back-pocket pose.  We chubby girls have to keep both feet firmly on the ground at all times…especially when we’re being controlled by hidden tummy tamer panels.

Nothing says “feel the burn” like getting your sweat-tunic caught in the rowing machine at the gym!

This last one is my favorite…

Wow.  I don’t know about you, but I’m buy’in what she’s sell’in!!  Look at all her hot, sexy mu-mu wearing friends, too!  They’re ALL feeling sexy in their mu-mu’s!!  I’ve gotta have one…I’ve gotta!

Why are they trying to bullshit us?  Do they think we’re so hopped up on carbs we won’t see through this crap?

At least Lane Bryant and the Avenue use models who wear their sizes.  Sure, they’re 14’s and 16’s…but they’re not trying to shove some size 4 model has-been in a denim mu-mu down my throat.  They’re realistic.

These idiot catalog companies would get a lot more respect from me if they’d at least be truthful.  Let’s face it:  when you weigh over 300 pounds like I do, a tunic really isn’t that slimming.  Nope.  My sick dependence on the almighty tunic is simply due to a sincere appreciation that it covers my multiple butts and my huge gut. That’s what a tunic really does.

Can we be honest?

I guess I’ll never have a career in “fashion”.





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