Well, after two years it’s finally happened: I have blogger’s block. Anyone else might think “Well, maybe I’m finally done saying all the shit I wanted to say” but c’mon…it’s me. I’ll probably die talking. Yap yap yap…drop. That’s the only way God will get me to shut up. Like I’ll be all “Let me tell you about the time I drove the DFW Penis with my girlfr-” to the nurse in my nursing home and God will be all “Nope…you’re done.” And then boom…I’m in Heaven. Hopefully.
I’m having a really hard time right now. It’s become pretty clear to me that my attempts to motivate myself with goals and fist pumping and the other usual tricks are not working. Right now I feel lost in terms of knowing how to handle this…and frustrated with my inability to get shit done for myself.
HMH and I had the surgery talk again last night (started by me, not him). I brought it up because I was having some pretty intense foot pain last night, along with some bruising around an old incision from a foot surgery that happened 12 years ago. I keep feeling like my body is breaking down and giving me shit at every turn…and it’s not going to be long before something major happens and I’m not any closer to significant progress. I think it’s time to circle the wagons, investigate all my options, and come up with a new plan.
Two years ago, I went on the hunt for a lap band surgeon and I found a decent one. He’s got a good bedside manner, he’s experienced, and his office staff and policies made me feel like I was his only patient. I was surprised at how pleasant the consultation experience was. And then, of course, I called off the surgery.
I have an appointment with him next week to discuss my options, including but not limited to lap band surgery. That’s all I’m willing to consider right now. Options. Perhaps this consultation will either scare me onto the straight & narrow path again or finally prepare me to decide on surgery as a tool to get my weight down far enough so that working out isn’t making me want to amputate my own feet.
I’m a little sad as I write this but it’s not because I feel weak or wrong for considering surgery (which I would have felt a few years ago), but because I’m realizing for the first time really that I may have been completely wrong about myself…and I’m going to feel really stupid if that turns out to be true. For years and years, I’ve been convinced that I’m the kind of person who has to do this myself…without help of any kind. Now I’m considering that perhaps I’ve really been the kind of person who just needed to grow up and admit that I’ve needed help all this time. I don’t like asking for help. I feel like I shouldn’t need it. If someone else needs it, that’s perfectly okay…but if I need it, then I’m a failure somehow.
Maybe that’s just the way it is and I need to accept it. At this point, my health is really the only thing I’m worried about – because I need to make sure I’m around for many more years. Because HMH can’t be allowed to live peacefully without me. What would he do without his Hot Mess Princess?
I’ll keep you posted on my consultation and my increasingly deranged thought process. And I promise, promise, promise that you’ll learn all about the DFW Penis Expedition by the weekend. It’ll cheer me up immensely to watch the video footage and relive that gloriously naughty road trip.
Until then, I’m still here…
Hang in there and good luck no matter what happens!
You need to do what ever is best for you on all levels. If you decide that you need the surgery (because the other body parts are not cooperating) Then you have to be at peace with that decision. It is not the easy way out, and you have already been through the counseling so you understand that. What ever decision you make all your “Hot Mess Princess’ Ladies In Weighting” will be supportive, because we have been on the journey with you and understand the struggles that have come about because of health and medical issues. So go easy on you and don’t think we are all gonna be all judgy and everything 🙂
“I don’t like asking for help. I feel like I shouldn’t need it. If someone else needs it, that’s perfectly okay…but if I need it, then I’m a failure somehow.”
Something I have learned over the years, being a stubborn, bull-headed lady like yourself…it’s OKAY to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, or any less awesome. It just means you’re not magical (and that sucks). After AAAAALLLLL the shite I have seen/heard you deal with over the last 4 years that I’ve known you, you have proven many times over the lengths of awesome that you can achieve! I don’t think I could attempt even half of it. So I feel it is my duty to bestow upon you (and I hope this works) the Sandra Bullock Sign-of-Stubbornness:
Yeah it didn’t work….
http://i.imgur.com/dKU1BbY.jpg
Don’t ever feel like a failure! Everyone’s road is different. Realizing you need to rethink a strategy or reach out for help or guidance is nothing to be ashamed of. WE LOVE YOU!
This was a real honest blog filled with humility, but you shouldn’t feel bad. There are reasons you can’t lose weight, real medical ones. And, the crap that is fed into our brains (not to mention our bodies) about what is healthy is only to benefit the crappy people that put it out there on the market.
It’s what blurs the lines when people ‘think they eat healthy’, or ‘are doing everything they can’, etc.
I hope you figure it out and do what makes you happy and healthly.
I understand feeling that asking for help is admitting to failure, however, I have found that it takes a courageous person to ask for help. So gather up all your courage and go out there with your head held high and get’em!!!