The tag line of my blog is “Embracing change…with a freak’in death grip.”
I thought it was okay to embrace change as long as it was the change I wanted for myself. The change that I’d pre-planned, organized, and put on the path before me. A well organized change. That’s not what I’m getting.
Last time I wrote, I shared with you that I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m not the kind of person who can lose this weight without help. It’s not a bad thing. I’ve spent my life stomping around and thumping my chest and declaring to the world that I’m going to do it myself. That’s not changing. That’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Earlier tonight (and you’re going to really hate this) I was watching Downton Abbey and Carson the butler said “What’s the point of living life if we don’t let it change us?” You could have knocked me off the couch with a feather. I just sat there for a minute with that wisdom sinking in. Sometimes you have to let life change you.
I have a consultation appointment with a bariatric surgeon next Wednesday. I never thought I would consider this again, but at this point I really don’t feel like there’s any other choice. I’ve battled my weight problem for over 20 years and I’m tired of it. I’ve beaten myself against a brick wall with it. I’m okay if I have to use a tool to get my weight down enough to the point where I enjoy getting on a bike again. Or into a pair of roller skates. Or even maybe someday…tap shoes.
I need help.
I’m not good at saying that out loud. I need help. And thank you to those of you who’ve offered tips and advice. I appreciate it so much. I will say that, for me, supplements, shakes, and special diets are not the cure for me. I know some of you won’t understand why. Emotional overeating isn’t cured by supplements and shakes. It has to be stopped. I’m not missing a vitamin or mineral that’s causing all this. I don’t need to be detoxed in order to live healthy. I need to admit something once and for all.
I am broken. I’m a broken person and it’s taken me 20 years of trying to put myself back together to realize that I don’t have the ability to do it without help.
Broken. 38 years ago when my dance teacher looked down at me and told me I was fat – and every time he tortured me after that during the 13 years I knew him – he chipped a crack into my self esteem. Into my heart. He convince me I was worthless, ugly, and fat even though nothing could have been farther from the truth. I’ve spent the rest of my life in a tail spin that he created.
I deserve so much credit for the hard work I’ve done in fixing as much of this as I can on my own. I’ve changed for good in so many ways. But I learned something in my sick, screwed up years under the dance teacher that I can’t unlearn myself: loving myself with food.
When I’m “being good”, I’m very good. I’m kick ass. But during the down times, I’m even more bad than all the good I’ve grown and nurtured. Between the injuries from walking around with all this weight on my back and the “comforting” the bad side does during stressful times and the downtime I suffer from the 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse, the deck is stacked against me.
I would argue these points and stay fighting if I had 50 pounds to lose, but I don’t. I have over 200 pounds to lose…and I’m quite fucking tired of beating my head against a brick wall.
What’s the point of living life if we don’t let it change us?
Do you know what I heard in that question?
Dianne…this is where you change. This is where you realize that you’re not weak or bad or stupid because you need help. This is where you have the courage to grab it.
I’m going to need a lot of courage to get through this. The idea of voluntary surgery scares the bejesus out of me. I’ll know more after Wednesday. (By the way, the appointment lasts 4 hours because I talk to the surgeon, the patient coordinator, the dietician, the personal trainer, and the financial coordinator all in the same visit.)
Holy crap on a cracker.
Embracing change, for me, means going to that appointment with an open mind and a list of well thought out questions. I haven’t made up my mind yet…but it’s where I’ll start.