Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls…today is a day that will live on in Hot Mess Princess history. I will look back on this day forevermore as a day of bad-assedry, wonderment and sweet mother fuck’in vengeance. Oh, yes, my friends…today is the day that I finally struck back at my arch nemesis, the Bag Boy from Hell.
If you follow me on Facebook, then you’re well aware that I’ve been curled up and cursing my uterus for the past 24 hours – so it’s already not a good time to mess with me, right? I had a brief window where there was no significant pain so I high-tailed it to the grocery store this afternoon. I knew I was running on borrowed time as far as the pain factor was concerned and the grocery store was wall-to-wall people. I was so focused on hauling ass through my list that I didn’t see the Bag Boy from Hell until it was too late.
“Hello, ma’am!!!” he greeted loudly as he started bagging my groceries.
“Hello,” I said under my breath. Seriously, I thought of all of you. I was trying to figure out a way to take his picture without being obvious. Then he picked up my carrots.
“OH! Carrots!!!” He bellowed it like a game show host. Even the cashier looked at him like he was nuts. And then it started.
Yes. Yes, he did. He started rapping…about carrots. Fuck. A. Duck.
“Mm…Bugs Bunny…Oh yeeeeeah! Bugs Bunny…he like carrots…uh….he like carrots…”
I shit you not.
And then it happened. I channeled all my energy and aimed the ire of my angry uterus right at his dumb ass. I raised my hand up to stop him and cupped my other hand around my ear as if I was listening for something.
“Uh oh!!! Do you hear that?” I asked with a very serious expression.
He stopped and listened with me.
And then I got him. I grinned and said, “Tupac just rolled over in his grave.”
The cashier cried out “Ohhhh, SNAP!!!” and cracked up. He stood there with my bag of potatoes in his hand, not really sure what just happened. I took the potatoes away from him and smiled. Then I held my head high and pushed my grocery cart of victory out the damn door!
It was really hard not to get all cocky and yell out “Bust a cap in yo ass!” but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. There is such a thing as going too far. Maybe he learned a little about that today.
Victory for the fat peeps today, my friends. Victory for the fat peeps.