Failure

This is going to be an incredibly difficult post for me to write & publish, but I have to do it. I want to do it. Because I promised myself long ago that I would always be real about my process – and if I don’t talk about it, then what the hell good is this blog anyway?

I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit.

If I don’t talk about the negative as well as the positive – and if I don’t keep pushing through it – there would be nothing to differentiate me from the hundreds of other bloggers who’ve come and gone before me, their blogs now forgotten. I’ve followed dozens and dozens of them – yet I can check them on my Feedly list right now and I know what I would see: dead, dark blogs. Blogs that were once active and full of motivation, now “dark”. No posts since 2012…or even longer. These countless bloggers stopped posting when they hit bumps in the road, perhaps because they thought no one was reading – or perhaps because they were afraid of who would say what if they admitted failure.

Well, I may be afraid in some ways – but I’ve got more courage than sense in others. Whenever I think of not posting, it’s not the readers I might lose because I fell flat on my ass that makes me persist. It’s the idea that there’s one person out there who needs to hear what I’m saying as much as I need to say what I’m saying. It’s that person, perhaps with their hand deep into a box of Little Debbies, who needs to know that they’re not alone in this – and that there are people with the same demons who are fighting the same fight…and that they’re not alone. That’s the person who sends me back to my laptop. Every time.

This is also going to be an incredibly long post. Sorry. I simply can’t break this down into digestible chunks. You may want to pace yourself. I hope you read the whole thing. It’s not my intention to overwhelm you with a giant blog post, but…I have to say it all.

I’m here to tell you that I’ve failed. I’ve fallen right on my ass…all over the internet, in front of a gazillion people and the NSA and everything. I am embarrassed and ashamed, afraid and dumbfounded at my inability to save myself from something that makes me feel like the dumbest person on the planet. Yet every time I get ready to mentally flog myself for being a moron, a tiny bit of inner strength comes over me and reminds me that there are much more horrible things in this world than the fact that I didn’t get it perfect this time. The Kardashians are reproducing, for fuck’s sake. Anything I do can’t possibly cause as much damage to the world. This realization is usually all it takes for me to remember to focus on the solution and stop beating myself up.

Looking back, of course, it’s perfectly clear to me where I went wrong. I stopped logging my food, convinced that I could depend upon my auto-pilot. Without logging, I lost sight of the little things that quickly add up to bigger things. I stopped weighing myself, trying instead to focus on the positive steps of making exercise a habit.

The simple truth is that, while others may be successful at living a healthy lifestyle without logging their food, I need it. Always. And, while others can’t step on the scale every day, I have to. My food log and my scale are the tools I use to successfully navigate these waters. I am not the kind of person who can be without them. I need them daily.

Motivation Marbles HMP

Without my tools, it’s far too easy for me to get distracted by daily life. I’ve become mired down with a million details. Things to do. Places to be. People to see. I’ve gone from being a fairly organized person to being a scatterbrained twit surrounded by a bunch of half-done tasks with no idea what to do next. Completely overwhelmed. I feel like the dumbest person on the planet for letting this happen. I fell back into the land of quick fixes and lazy thinking. And six months into 2013, I still haven’t made exercise a habit.

My monumental failure: I’ve gained back all but one pound of the weight I lost.

Living in a world of elastic waist pants makes it very hard to judge whether the weight is creeping back on – especially when most of your clothes are a 30/32. It takes a lot to move from the low end of the 30 to the high end of the 32.

43 pounds, to be exact.

It would have been easy to spot had I not stopped getting on the scale every day, but I got the brilliant idea in my head that I should take a break from the scale in order to train my focus on exercise. Dumb. Really dumb. I understand what I thought I was doing, but I was failing to accept one undeniable truth: I fucking HATE exercise. I hate it. I could quit everything else in life in order to focus on exercise but I would still be focused on something I hate doing – and all that brings is negativity. I should have kept logging, kept weighing, and kept trying at the exercise.

I have one pair of jeans that fits (or used to). They’re a size 30. I don’t wear them a lot. Imagine my surprise when I went to put them on a couple of weeks ago and they weren’t even close to zipping or buttoning. I actually thought I’d mistakenly grabbed at the wrong pair of jeans. I had to look at the tag to see the size. Imagine my horror as reality sank in. I hadn’t been getting on the scale. I hadn’t been logging my food. Oh wow…HMH and I have been ordering pizza more often, haven’t we? Shit. How long had it been since I could wear these jeans? I had no idea.

It took weeks before I had the balls to get on the scale and face the music – and in that time, I still wasn’t eating as healthy as before and I certainly wasn’t working out consistently.

So here I am…facing the music and feeling like the biggest failure in the world. And the funny thing is that I didn’t feel this way at all when I gained back the 75 pounds I lost back in the 90’s. I’ve been having quite the internal dialogue about this since I got on the scale. It hasn’t been pretty. It’s been a weird combination of beating myself up and coming up with a plan to fix this – lately, more of the latter.

believe

What am I going to do about this? Pick myself up, dust myself off, and get moving. Although the thought did occur to me briefly, I am not pursuing weight loss surgery.

As of this morning, I’m back to logging my food. Logging is my safety net and I’m never living without it again. No more pizza, no more convenience foods. There’s a half gallon of ice cream in my freezer right now that’s going down the drain tonight. I don’t need the temptation…I have shit to do.

Mr. Scale is back in my life. I appreciate him for the information he gives me. I don’t get pissed when he tells me I weigh one or two pounds more than I did yesterday. I’m a woman. For some reason, weight fluctuation is all part of the majesty of owning a uterus…or having owned one in the past, whatever your situation may be. I don’t care about two or even three pounds. I care about five. I need to know where I stand.

The 7 Dwarfs of the Menstrual Apocalypse are just packing up and leaving, so I’m not headed to the gym today – but I am tomorrow. From now on, there will be no more trying to embrace the positive kittens-and-rainbows “exercise is good for me” mindset. I hate exercise. It’s painful and horrible and I hate it – and it’s dishonest for me to try and get all warm and fuzzy about it. From now on, I am going to the gym regularly – which will require me to force myself. Tough shit. I’m giving myself permission to hate it. I’m going to bitch and moan and scream bloody murder if that’s what I feel like doing, but I’m going to the gym whether I like it or not. Like a good parent with a stubborn child, I’m going to get this medicine down my throat one way or the other.

It nearly broke my heart to pull 43 marbles out of the “Pounds Lost” jar today, but I did it. They’re not my victories to claim anymore. They’re back in the “Pounds to Go” jar where they belong. For now. It hurt to do, but I know with a certainty I’ve never had before that they’ll be back in the “Pounds Lost” jar soon.

I lost my way. I’m not proud of it. Hopefully you’ll forgive me. I sure do feel stupid because of it, but I’m not going to let myself wallow in self-pity and self-hatred over this. This has happened. I caused it. I’ve picked myself up, brushed myself off, and put my feet back on the road. I’m really not proud of where I’m standing right now.

I’m just not going to be one of those bloggers who fades into the background to lick her wounds. Y’all know me. I have no compunction about licking myself in front of you. This blog is about embracing change and finding what works. This is all part of that process for me.

I reset the weight loss ticker on the top right of this page. Makes me sad just looking at it. So here I go. One marble in the jar…

69 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Oh Dianne! I know EXACTLY how you feel! I started WW last October. By Christmas I was down 20 pounds. I don’t know why but I stopped going, I stopped logging and I sure as heck was not exercising like I was. I gained 10 pounds back. I hated myself. But, I knew this was going to happen from the first moment I stepped foot in the WW door. I didn’t fully believe in myself. Oh sure, I thought I did. But, I didn’t really. Now, here I am tonight, 3 pounds away from getting back down to where I was at Christmas…..wanting to eat all the cake and pie and brownies and cupcakes in the world! This week has been awful for me, but you have given me hope and you have encouraged me to not just give up on my ultimate goal. It’s going to take me some time to get there but, I know I can. I know you can too. Thank you for this post and your honesty! <3

    1. Thanks so much for being here, Brandi! I appreciate your support. We will do this!

  2. Thanks for your honest post. I have too fallen off the wagon and even though I fell like a dumbass I know I’m not alone. Please know that there will be so many of us who have your back 🙂 Stay strong

  3. You are one amazing woman!! We’re with you…no matter. That had to be one tough blog to write. You said is, it’s so, forgive yourself and let’s do this together!!

  4. I cannot even put into words how wonderful this blog entry is. I am where you are. I have tears running down my face, because you put my feelings into words. I HATE THIS YO-YO shit that I have created! I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, but then I go grab the quickest most convenient thing to eat, rather than make better choices. I will start logging my food, make myself accountable to at least a piece of paper. Something that is tangible that proves, good choices equal good results. Thanks for making yourself vulnerable and putting it all out there, the good, the bad and the ugly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

    1. Let’s hug it out, Melissa! We can do this…I’m so glad we can all talk about it and get it sorted out. ♥

  5. You rock sister! There is a million other things I could say after reading this, but those 3 are all I’m thinking. It took balls (marbles?) to post that and I’m proud of you. Very proud!

  6. Why do you say “hopefully you’ll forgive me”? The struggle with weight loss/gain is an intensely personal one; believe me, it’s one that I’ve had to deal with my entire life. The only people who you have to answer to are yourself and your children/spouse/parents/siblings who love you and want you to be healthy. If any stranger on the internet shows up on your blog and puts you down, tell them where they can shove it – you owe them nothing.

    That being said, the fact that you have found the strength to openly admit your weakness and (temporary) failure is incredible. I have trouble talking about my weight with those who I am closest to, never mind openly like this. You are strong and can and will do whatever you set your mind too.

    BTW, the fact that you feel better about your own failure when compared to the fact that the Kardashians are procreating gave me a good laugh

    1. Thanks, Kat. LOL. I really is quite distressing to me that they’re raising children…I weep for our future. 🙂

  7. Oh honey… If we’re all taking this journey together, then we should be willing to admit when we’ve taken a step backward. You’ve inspired me to take responsibility for what goes into my body. I’ve made progress because of you. Thank you!

  8. That took a lot of courage, and I am proud of you!
    I did the same thing, lost a little over 40lbs, was within 15lbs of my goal.
    I got lazy, stopped logging, exercising, etc due to things going on.
    I gained back all but 6lbs,
    I restarted last week and today was down 3.2
    Time to start over and do what we know we have to – even though it sucks.
    I hate exercising but that is what helped me lose weight and keep me going.
    You can do it and we are here for you!
    Kathy from MA

  9. Bravo to you for having the courage to write about this! I’m glad to know there’s someone else who depends on Mr Scale to track their progress. It’s something I need, it helps me to hold myself accountable. I don’t know where I’d be w/o My Fitness Pal on my phone, so I understand the need to log food as well 🙂 I love your idea w the jar of marbles for pounds to lose and pounds lost…. Another visual tool I think I might try. Thank you for staying open and honest about your journey <3

  10. Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl! Thank you. Thank you for having the courage to be honest and to share that with us. I too have fallen off the wagon. I too have had to put marbles back in the pounds to lose jar. I too have driven past my gym and come up with a thousand things that I just have to get done instead. We’re human. We aren’t perfect. But, we’re better off when we can identify where we have meandered off the trail and work to get back on it. But, we don’t have to do it alone. Which is why your blog is so important to us. I for one forgive you and even further I appreciate you for always being open and honest with us and for setting a positive example in a society full of fat shaming and negativity. Life is a journey and not a destination, this is just part of the journey chicky!

  11. Thank you for sharing and not disappearing. It is so tough, sometimes, to not beat yourself up for yo-yoing, but, unfortunately, we have all been there. I like MyFitness, too. I feel like if I am over for the day, I need to get moving before I go to bed! The good thing is, you know how to lose it. We are there for you, too!!

  12. Sometimes life just sucks the life and ambition out of us. I have been in a blah mood and mode for this whole year. I simply have no motivation. I have noticed the same thing in my hubby, and a lot of my friends are reporting the same feelings. Who knows what suddenly kicks our larger then average asses into action one day, and makes us want to do nothing more then sit on them the next. Maybe it is something in the stars or planetary alignment. I guess ultimately we have to just take responsibility for ourselves, and Dianne…you have done an admirable job of doing that so Forgive Yourself. I hope you can see we (your fans) not only forgive you we are all riding on the same wagon with you. Perhaps we all need to get off this particular wagon and start walking because, let’s face it, it will be a heck of a lot better for us to start walking again. (And it is a really long and uphill road)

    Sending respect and love for your heartfelt open letter.

  13. You are my hero! You are so brave which tells me you have the strength to do this. You will not lose followers because we can relate. I personally have had the same issue! I applaud you for putting your story out there. I have hid my jars….but each day brings a new opportunity to try again. We can all do this together and support each other. Keep going!! And shoot the aliens that take over your uterus!! Love ya girl!

  14. HMP, you are a real life human being. No glitz, no pretense just a real person dealing with real demons.
    You inspire me – to laugh at myself and my personal flaws, but being so real, honest and open about your own.
    None of us may ever be the ideal “me” we see in our heads, but girl you are amazing in your own special way (notice I didn’t say speshul k?)
    We all fall down, we all fail. You just have big enough balls to share it with the rest of us!
    Now, about that log……….. XOXO

      1. Youuuu are such a poet!!! Keep up the good work my little candle in the darkness. You keep me smiling, and lets face it smirking too!!!

  15. Don’t worry kiddo, it wouldn’t be an adventure if it was all strawberries and cream, now would it? Take some solace in the fact that YOU are the one that inspired ME to start dropping some pounds and I’m now at 223 this morning compared to 255 in September. I’m pretty much stuck at 225 but that’s okay for me for right now. That next 25 is going to be tougher but I”ll get there. No time line. No pressure on myself. Little by little. I don’t log my food (maybe that WOULD help) but I do weigh every morning. I didn’t read all the replies but I’m going to guess that there are at lease several who have you to thank for getting them on the right path. Suck it up Di. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. After all, when your readers are having a really tough time in getting that last pound off, do you really think they want to read about how easy it was for you? NOT! They want to know they are not alone in the challenge. Rock on, girl.

  16. What a brave post! I’m am the proverbial yo-yo dieter and I know how hard it is to admit that things have gone bad! I also know that you can do this! Never give up

  17. I’m sitting here crying as I see this post. Mainly because you are at least brave enough to admit to yourself and everybody else that you don’t have it figured out yet. I still can’t with my self. Every time I eat a package of cookies or a pint of ice cream I think this is it no more. Then I do the same thing the next day. I don’t know why! Why doi do this to myself? And then I read this blog….And even though I haven’t got there yet I know I’m not alone and that I hhave to have to keep on trying. It hurts and it is a struggle. And I’m grateful that someone has the courage to be honest for those of us that can’t. I am not alone….YOU are not alone. Thank you for being you!

  18. I went and bought new, bigger britches 2 weeks ago. And I’ve done everything possible to avoid getting on the scale and see how bad it is. I did decide to start walking again. It’s only been 2 days but the temps are supposed to be in the low 90s the rest of the week. Ima keep it up and by this weekend, I’ll have the spare room with the treadmill and elliptical ready to use. I can’t go to a gym. I want to but I just can’t exercise in front of people. I need to be by myself so I can talk myself thru it. I hate every second of it and I have to chew my own ass out thru the whole thing to keep going. You inspire the shit outta me. I need you to post often. It helps me. I’m getting on twitter right now to fix it to where your tweets come to my text messages. Lets do this.

    1. Crystal, I love your posts and comments. 🙂 so happy you’re here. Yes, we can do this!

  19. Happens to all of us. All you can do is keep going. I lost 15 pounds a little while ago and I know I gained all of it plus some back. I am too scared to get on the scale.

    1. You can do it, Jenny! Just get some balls together and look at the scale and say “you don’t own me, bitch…I own YOU”. Be real about what you see and shake it off. The number doesn’t say a thing about who you are…it’s just a gauge. You can do this!

  20. Diane, you are one of the few bloggers I know who can break my heart and crack me up at the same time. I was doing okay until I saw the marbles. Then, I started bawling. Because I haven’t even moved a marble, yet and because I want to be with you moving marbles and someday coming to Texas and showing that state what a bunch of former big girls can really do.
    If there is anyone in the world with the resolve to do this, I have no doubt that it is you. And me. We’ll rise and not fall together and know that you are never alone. You inspire a lot of people by being just exactly who you are.

    1. Violet, thank you so much for being here and laughing at my stupid jokes and hugging me when I need it. 🙂

  21. We LOVE you! We wouldn’t come back post after post if we didn’t! You created this little community and brought each of us together for a common reason. I’ve fallen off the wagon more times than I care to remember. Four years ago I lost 76 pounds I’ve gained all but 25 back and I’ve been struggling to get it all back off the last 2 years. Your honesty, sense of humor that is exactly like mine, and the handful of other similarities we share gives me such comfort and a feeling of connection to someone who really understands the struggles and ups and downs.

    You ROCK in my book 43 lbs or not! We are all going to figure this our eventually, and I’m happy to do it with you!

    Love ya girl!

  22. Thank you for this post. I too, have been just eating whatever I want, not exercising, quit signing up for 5k events, and haven’t done shit to keep myself in line. I even posted about my new “step it up” plan, and haven’t followed it for even one single full day. That’s about to change. I want to lose another 6 pounds in the next three weeks, 10 preferably. I’ll post on that soon…Let’s do this! Will you be on MyFitnessPal again? Find me, I’ll join you! I am going to do it too!
    Anyway, girl you have a lot of courage putting this post up, and I’m proud of you. Right now, I’ve found myself well on my way to this…I’m barely hanging on by a thread. You are giving me strength to get back up and do this. Good for you for dumping the ice cream! It had to be done!

    1. I am most definitely on MFP…if you click on the pathetic little weight loss ticker above, you should be able to find me. LOL. 1 pound…and I’m clinging to it. ♥ So glad you’re with me!

  23. “I don’t need the temptation…I have s*** to do.” Oh you make me laugh and cry all in the same post. I know that this was hard for you to admit then write about but please know that you are still an inspiration to us. Thanks for this and all your writings.

    1. Thank you so much, Sarah! I really don’t think I could do this without the support of all my fellow Hot Mess peeps out there. 🙂

  24. OMG! I can not tell you how many times I read this. I feel the same way you do. I don’t want to be that dark blog. I want to be successful. I don’t want to put all those marbles back. You have been a huge inspiration to me through out my whole lifestyle change. Thank you for that. I hate that you have been in the funk. I have been there and am still there. I my friend am with you!! We are in this together!! We are ALL in this together!! We got this!! Love ya HMP!!

  25. You only fail if you give up. You’ve still got a lot of fight in you. You’re going to make it.

  26. If you were 100% successful we could not relate to you. You are REAL and that’s why we all love you. As I read your post, I have an ice pack on my knee because that’s what happens when this fat ass walks three miles. And I am that reader that had her hand in the box of Little Debbie’s that you mentioned. I had a Swiss Cake roll yesterday and it was freaking AMAZING! I didn’t curl up in a ball and declare failure.. I waddled myself out and did the three miles. Baby steps. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. We’ve all got this. Thank you for being real and sharing your failures as well as your successes.

  27. I wish I could be this honest with myself, you are so inspiring to me and many others I am sure. Thanks for making me smile every day, I love love love your blog!!!

  28. Since I started reading your blog, I have always found motivation, inspiration and lots laughter. I have never been more inspired until today! What you did for us today was monumental! I have struggled my whole life, and still struggle today. For the past several months I haven’t wanted to go anywhere because I’ve gained more than half of the weight back. I can’t stand “the looks” from friends, coworkers, family because I feel this is what they are saying…..”That’s so sad”, “I knew she couldn’t do it”, etc….
    We have to take this journey one day at a time. I too have failed, and but today is a new day and I’m going to get out and walk today (I’m even taking my cramps with me!) Have a great day and thank you for always sharing YOU with us!
    One day at a time…

    1. Angela, your comments break my heart and I totally understand that “we knew she couldn’t do it” feeling…I hate it so much. Don’t listen…and don’t think about those people. It’s hard, I know…but they don’t deserve the energy we give them. ♥

  29. I to am struggling right now. I wish it were as easy to lose weight as it is to gain it. It’s not. You have faced the demon and I am proud of you . No matter what we are all in this battle together.

  30. Bravo!!!
    Thank you so much for putting this out there. We’ve all been there, we all know what’s it’s like, and we all know how hard it is to face up to. Thank you for your openness. And thank you for telling us you’d re-considered, and rejected, the surgical route. I do believe this is a winnable fight. Not fast, not easy, not all the time, but doable. And I admire you immensely.

    1. Thank you so much, tamar – I believe it’s winnable too…I’m hurting over all this right now, but I still believe. ♥

  31. I love your blog! Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with me and the many many others out there going through the same struggles! I too am in a funk and my gym card is probably lost in the bottom of my purse, but knowing I’m not the only one has difficulties (and neither are you) has made me want to jump start back on it all! Thank you again for being an inspiration to so many!

  32. Two steps forward and one step back is not failure; its the cha-cha!

    Truly inspired by your candor and courage. You posted a while back about being honest with ourselves and now you are giving us a brave example of what honesty is in the face of things that it is hard to admit. I am so blessed by your blog and am on this weight-loss trudge with you. We WILL do it!

    So proud of you and cheering you on. – Nicole

  33. When I read your blog, it makes me wish I lost weight the right way, your way. Don’t get discouraged, keep going! This is the best, even though the longest way.

  34. Thank you for posting ur struggles….I am with you but I was feeling like I was alone and now know I’m not…so I am going to join u if u don’t mind……
    Thanks for your honesty
    Gi

  35. I am sad to say that I am smack dab in the middle of a binge that has taken over my life. It has a life of it’s own and is relentlessly shoving food down my throat. I can’t fight it off. It has the strength of a body builder and seems to only be getting stronger. I am to weak to fight back on my own, and accepting that is hard for me. I have been avoiding the scale for over a week, and the last time I looked I had already gained back a solid 5 pounds. I don’t even want to know how far I’ve gone after the week I’ve had.

  36. Love Nicole’s comment: “two steps forward and one step back is not failure; it’s the cha-cha!” Yes it is. So many of us have done this too, and kicked ourselves in the butt repeatedly for doing it. I’m with you, right back to square one where I started. =( Thanks for being honest and open, and helping us to be honest with ourselves. We learn from this, dust ourselves off, and get going again. Keep dancing — even if it’s the cha-cha it’s good exercise! <3

  37. It’s funny when you stumble upon the EXACT thing you need to see at the EXACT time you need to see it. I can’t put into words how much I needed to read your blog entry today. I was on cloud nine 2 or 3 months ago. I was about 25 lbs down and I felt like I was on top of the world. I got too confident in my ability to lose weight and stopped tracking and weighing in. I picked myself up a few times and owned up to what I’d done on the scale, but as the number lost got smaller and the number gained got bigger, I started trying to ignore what I’d done. And that is what led me to where I am today. Much heavier (still can’t bring myself to stand on a scale) and angry and uncomfortable. I have no plan, YET, but I will make one. For now, it’s unbelivably comforting to know that there’s someone else out there that knows how I feel. Thank you for your blog entry. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it! 🙂

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